thequark

blog shifted

2010-05-05T06:29:00.001+05:30

I have shifted my blogging activities to wordpress: thequark.wordpress.com/ Luckily the migration was smooth so I have migrated selected posts from here to the new one.

Avatar, Avtar, Bindiya and Collective Memory

2010-01-06T12:26:00.012+05:30

Latest blockbuster from James Cameron has created vehement supporters and detractors and I am in no mood to put 10 things to love/hate the movie. There is a hilarious comparison of the plot with Hindi cinema's hackneyed exploitation and revenge stories, though the title of movie taken: Roopa ka Badla sounds more like exploitation,female revenge stories like Bindiya aur Bandook). Celebrated movie reviewer Roger Eberts who don't find novelty in the movie yet loved it. And then there is Great Bong (Random Thoughts of a Demented Mind) , one of very few people who can take dementia to an art form. He posits Avatar is just our beloved Kaka's (our Pusspa lover Rajesh Khanna sahib) classic Avtar with an extra 'a'. Something I totally agreed to.

I loved watching the movie, period. Obviously it had a totally unoriginal plot but Cameron's way of seeing things in the movie was what engaged me. Never for a moment did I wonder that I am watching an oft repeated story. This apart from the 3D experience did it for me.

After reading Ebert's view on rationality of the Na'vi one point in depiction of Pandora's culture intrigued me. That was depiction of collective memory. Conflict of development society vs tribal culture is obvious, if one has progress as its goal then other has harmony. If one has corporate as its collective then its community for the other. That many ancient cultures have ancestor reverence/worship is also nothing new in movies. The list to compare the two cultures is endless and have been depicted in numerous Hollywood flicks & Hindi cinema. The contrast of collective memory is shown subtly when trees are shown to be uprooted and it is claimed it will destroy ancient memory in them. I think this is an allusion to History vs Mythology. Myths and mythology are a form of collective memory where in each generation reinterprets and retells them in their own way thus adding (and even forgetting). Tribal/ancient cultures all over the world rely on mythologies to understand their past, origin and even future whereas development societies always have history to understand their past, science to understand origin and predict future, so in a sense Big Bang Theory and Theory of Evolution are indeed two mythologies.

History with its linear notion of time, textual culture (what is written is true, what is true should be written) and objective reality (what really happened) always conflicts with mythology which always has a jagged if not circular notion of time, oral culture (believe in whatever has been said since time immemorial), A small case in example would be controversy on Adam's Bridge or Rama Setu. People on mythology side had nothing else to claim than invoke the sacred whereas people who had to take sides with history questioned historical authenticity of Rama and the whole conversation went down to dogs.

Well I had hoped if Cameron could have delved more into this part rather than make a typical Hollywood grandeur story, where win/loss takes over delving into nature of things. And that is why I love Charlie Kaufman's movies.

3 Idiots or Rancho B.E. or Lage Raho Rancho or Hirani's Crusade against the System

2010-01-02T13:48:00.015+05:30

Being a Unix enthusiast I was constantly doing a diff between Rajkumar Hirani's previous creation and his latest presentation titled 3 Idiots. Though an engaging watch but it seemed like he morphed Munnabhai into Rancho but you can not change the entire picture with morphing. After tackling a crusade against a system which dehumanizes doctors in "Munnabhai M.B.B.S" and rereading Gandhi in his "Lage Raho Munnabhai" he has turned his knights towards engineering colleges and the system which dehumanizes students.

Though I did not had great grades in Linear Algebra but the concept of vectors and dimensions still intrigues me. The role of basis is much important in this vector toy world, by a simple change of basis one can change the entire game and make millions too. The same vector appears novel or as a popular saying goes nayi botal mein purani sharaab. The coordinates in Rajkumar Hirani's vector space are the chief mercenary, the patriarch, the patriarch's daugher, the message, the miracle, the lesser mortals.

The chief mercenary of the crusade is Rancho who's sole motto in the movie is to convert every non-believer in his do-as-your-heart-says sect. There is nothing wrong in it, the message is good, it is presented well but it permeates every pixel of every frame in the movie. The whole movie looks like an advertisement in which motto is the product itself.

Each frame is a fight between towering but evil-because-he-doesnt-know-what-he-is-doing patriarch (played by Boman Irani in all three editions) and chief mercenary, who by the end of the movie has to make the patriarch realize mistakes in his ways. Patriarch's daughter has to revolt against father, set free by chief mercenary for psychoanalysis of which I am sure Sudhir Kakkar or Ashis Nandy are better suited.

But how are the non-believers converted to become faithful asks the jeering crowd. How are they shown the true light. First there has to be a heart wrenching advertisement line. Jadu ki Jhappi in 1st edition, Gandhigiri in 2nd and now its All ij well. The non believers are not only hankered with proselytizing one-liner message but are shown a miracle towards the end to convert the patriarch.

If healthy dose of Jadu ki Jhappi cured Anand Bannerjee and converted Dr. J.C. Asthana in Munnabhai M.B.B.S. then Munna's Gandhigiri saved Lucky Singh in Lage Raho... version. It was Rancho's engineering and studying-for-knowledge message which opened Veeru Sahastrabudhhe's eyes to the true message. I am not elaborating on the miracle in this post to avoid spoiling reader's movie viewing experience.

But those are just few elements in a movie says jeering crowd. So let the crowd notice that patriarch is final frontier, before claiming victory on him there are lesser mortals to be converted. And converted in the same fashion I say to jeering crowd. There has to be a non-A list actor (Jimmy Shergill in 1st two editions and Sharman Joshi in 3rd) who has his life issues successfully resolved by chief mercenary. Lesser mortal has to be a poor lad from minority community (Zaheer, Victor and Farhan) respectively. There is nothing new in the minority angle, Manmohan Desai used it pretty deftly in his movies. Barring the first edition lesser mortal actually has daddy issues with dad played none other than Pareekshit Sahni (and this is ironical because he himself is a deeya tale andhera). People say movie makers are artists I say they are pop psychologists.

I urge the readers not to think I hate the movie or this is some sort of review/appraisal/derision of the movie. There is neither any claim of go watch the movie nor will I claim do not set eyes on the movie nor will I give some stars to rate a piece of work like many movie reviewers of Hindi cinema do. If you have followed my analysis well you will realize the movie is actually not based on Chetan Bhagat's Five Point Someone - What Not to do at IIT but yes the man should be given some credit. It is just my thoughts put together which distracted me while watching the film (and if you haven't watched 3 Idiots then why should only I suffer the fate, I leave these coordinates to bother you too).

Rocket in Pocket: Or why Rocket Singh Disappointed Me

2009-12-25T14:01:00.004+05:30

Having heard excellent views from many fraands and movie reviewers I finally did watch Rocket Singh. I have been quite selective in watching new Hindi cinema releases these days. Gone are the days when I would visit Rajshree in Gandhinagar for the pure bliss known as Jani Dusman: Ek Anokhi Prem Katha or had stamina to watch Sonu Nigam's thriller suspense Love in Nepal. Gone are the days when I would eagerly go for a mind bending experience known as The Hero: Love Story of a spy or how to kill a man by plumbing a nuclear dravya filled test tube inside evil forener.

Rocket Singh was indeed a massive let down for me. First of all there was no Punjabi number with a healthy dose of Soniye, Manmoniye, Baliye, Mahiye sprinkled all over it. Seriously a movie with a Sardar protagonist and no Punjabi number! You gots to be kiddin me. No stereotypes! No making of tandoor-shandoor, lassi wassi or chak-de-phatte moments.

Secondly there were no grand speeches like Chak De India's 70 minutes (Hawww even Coelho Kaka takes 11 minutes). I mean there has to be a rousing speech by the hero about fate, destiny towards the end of which people get excited like a lynch mob and do the undoable, Baaliwood ishtyle.

Most importantly there was no revolutionary step taken by the hero like pissing on the carpet of enemy by devGUN like Halla Bol and no magical hugs by apun ka Sanju bawa (which has been the biggest factor in the spread of swine flu epidemic, FYI).

What kind of a movie it is when all the characters have a significant role! A hero has to stand out from rest of the crowd from area occupied on the screen to lines in the total script. Don't you think this kind of cinema is threatening. What shall happen of the likes of Johhny Catch-My-Lever, Anupam Kher, Tikku Talsania? Who shall do slapstick comedy or play small so hero could look big?

No plot diversions like the hero teleports to Swiss Vaadiyan, does a quickie dreamy song and comes back in a jiffy. Or better the frustrated hero decides to visit a bar where Payal Rohatgi or Mumait Khan is indulging in burlesque dancing of the highest order which has some deep rooted philosophy in it, like Aa khushi se khudkashi kar le, Love mera HIT HIT mat kar khitpit khitpit. Where would the item grlz go?

No back stories of revenge or past mishappenings? The grandfather dude was humiliated as a salesman in the past so he doesn't want his puttar to face the same fate. There you go fill another half an hour with Daddu's story.

I say Dhawans, KJos, Ghais should unite and raise their voices against such a pathetic movie. No one should be allowed even 100m close to the cinema playing it, it is dangerous for people's mind no! They could get easily weaned from all the junk that is being peddled around.

खाओ गगन रहो मगन

2009-12-15T14:20:00.003+05:30

हमारे प्रोफेस्सर साहब पड़ा रहे हैं की आने वाले सालों में सब काम रोबोट से होगा | रोबोट और artificial intelligence और भविष्य उससे होने वाले उत्पात का नज़ारा तो हमें श्री आर्नोल्ड शिवाजीनगर सालों पहले बता चुके हैं | यहाँ पर बात चली vacuum cleaner, lawn mower वगैरह से और पहुंची इंसानी शरीर में जगह जगह चिप घुसेड़ने की | ये सब देख के तो हमारे रोंगटे खड़े हो गए |

अब automatic vacuum cleaner रहेगा तो बाई का क्या होगा ! खैर वो सब छोडिये हमारी तो एक ही दरख्वास्त है की automatic नाई मत बनाइएगा | इस भागदौड़ के और मशीनी customer care की दुनिया में कुछ ही जगह तो बची हैं सुकून की, उन्हें बक्श दो |

एक महाशय ने वो कर डाला जिसको सुन के हमें कहना ही पड़ा की "ढाक के तीन पात" | पहले तो उन्होंने अपने ही अन्दर RFID चिप डाल ली फ़िर उससे मन न भरा तो अपनी और अपनी पत्नी की नस में एक और ऐसी चिप लगायी जिससे एक में हरकत होने से दूसरे को पता चले | अरे मियां ये सब के लिए तो हमारे हिन्दी फ़िल्म के हीरो सिर्फ़ इश्क फरमा लेते हैं और गाते हैं "जो हाल दिल का इधर हो रहा है, वो हाल दिल का उधर हो रहा है" और ये महानुभाव electronic और surgery लगा रहे हैं | खैर उनका काम वही जाने हमें तो एक ही जुमला याद आ रहा है "को काहू में मगन तो काहू में मगन"

कहानी दो कुक्कुर की

2009-12-14T16:09:00.007+05:30

भाई जो भी कहो ज्युरिख्पुर और ज्युरिख्पुर के कुक्कुर का हमारा कुछ तो नाता है | जहां public place में बच्चों और कुत्तों की आवाज नहीं सुने देती वहाँ एक ही हफ्ते में दो मजेदार वाकये हो गए | पहले तो एक सवा किलो के कुत्ते ने हमपे भौंका | कुत्ता भी ऐसा पिद्दी सा की छींके तो खुद को दस्त लग जाये | हमारी जर्मन कक्षा जर्मन लोगों से बात करना तो सिखा रही है पर कुत्तों के बारे में अवगत न कराया | अब हम कुक्कुर महाशय को हिंदी या अंग्रेजी में दुत्कारें और उसे समझ में ही न आये तो क्या फायदा !

खैर दूसरी घटना ये हुई की भरी दुपहरिया बीच बजरिया हमने एक औरत को अपने कुत्ते की गन्दगी उठाते हुए देखा | कुक्कुर महाशय ने तो जहां मन आया कर डाला अब बेचारी मालकिन को साफ़ करना पड़ा, समझ में न आया मालिक कौन है दोनों में | हमें लगा की किये कराये पे पानी फेर देंगी मैडम पर कुक्कुर-मल उठाने के भी special दस्ताने आते हैं | और मैडम भी मेधावी थी, अब इतना बड़ा कुत्ता पाला है तो एक दस्ताने से क्या होगा , अब हम इंडिया टीवी \ आज तक तो हैं नहीं की आपको आँखों देखा और कैमरा कैद विवरण दे दें | पर हाँ ये आश्वासन देते हैं की कैमरा होगा भी तो हम अपने पाठकगण को ऐसी वीभत्स छवियों से त्रस्त न करेंगे

नाटकीय रूपांतरण

2009-10-21T12:08:00.005+05:30

बहुत कम ऐसा होता है जब आपके कॉलेज के अनुभव आपको पाठशाला की याद दिलाये | जिस lecture में मैं फिलहाल बैठा हुआ हूँ वो शिक्षिका पड़ा तो रही है innovation के बारे में किन्तु पड़ रही हैं एक पहले से लिखे मूलपाठ द्वारा किसी नाटक के अभिनय माफिक| यह देख कर अपने पुराने रसायन शास्त्र (chemistry) के शिक्षक की याद आ गयी जो एक guide book से पढाया करते थे | बच्चों को पता न चल जाये तो सन सत्तर के किसी अख़बार का cover लगा के आते थे | पर आप तो जानते हैं, बच्चा भगवान् का रूप होता हैं और इतने सारे भगवानों से कहाँ कुछ छुप सकता है, एक चतुर बालक ने सारी किताबे छान मारी और वो किताब खरीद कर क्लास के एक कोने में बैठ जाता| बस फिर क्या शिक्षक महाराज दनादन, line by line किताब से पढाते रहते और लड़का line by line underline करता रहता :D

Pyar ke Perspective

2009-10-19T15:31:00.003+05:30

Hindi cinema lyrics have always pondered on the notions of Pyar, Ishq Mohabbat etc. lets look at some unique perspective from the eyes of our lyricist.

http://thequark.tumblr.com/post/217044941/pyar-ke-perspective

ChiLoPy

2009-10-07T12:00:00.004+05:30

No it is not an exotic dish but Chichi, Lolo's song expressed in Python. On Desi's request here is the python code for the song "Saton Janam Tujhko Pate"

SWOT Analysis of Bharatiya Sanskriti

2009-10-04T17:18:00.001+05:30

Go with the flowchart

2009-09-26T16:39:00.002+05:30

A true test of Chichi Lolo fans. Look at the flow chart and find out which Chichi, Lolo song is it about?

http://thequark.tumblr.com/post/197369317/go-with-the-flowchart

Hint: The movie was directed by David Dhawan :D

Finite State Morons

2009-09-20T18:55:00.002+05:30

Ever wondered how Indian National Media pounds on an issue which requires serious discussions but instead it resorts to politician bashing and blaming the "system". Or worthless issues become breaking news and length debates are carried on for example Rakhi Sawant's wedding and Shashi Tharoor's tweet controversy. Here is how I see it:

http://thequark.tumblr.com/

समलैंगिक कुक्कुर और बाबा बामदेव का उपचार (प्रहार)

2009-08-24T14:43:00.006+05:30

सुनने में आया है की विदेश की कलाकारा geri haliwell के कुत्ते समलैंगिक निकले! तो अब आधुनिक ख्याल के लोग कहेंगे इसमे क्या बड़ी बात है | पर हमारी संस्कृति ये सब allow नही करती | समलैंगिकता एक विदेशी विकृति है और हमारी संस्कृति को खा जायेगी अगर इसको रोका न गया| दरअसल भारतीय संस्कृति हिन्दी फ़िल्म के हीरो की उस बहिन के समान है जिसकी अस्मत लूटने को फिरंगी लुटेरे, भ्रष्ट नेता और दुष्ट गुंडे सदा कोशिश करते रहते हैं और बचाने वाले हैं समाज के तमाम ठेकेदार जो भारतीय संस्कृति को "बचाने" का कोई मौका नही छोड़ते | एक पुरूष दूसरे पुरूष से प्यार करे ये हमें गवारा नही क्यूंकि ये natural नही है | हाँ बड़े बड़े बाँध बनाना, सैकडों मंजिलों की इमारतें बनाना ये सब natural है | अजी साहब जब हम एक पुरूष और स्त्री के प्यार को ही नही झेल सकते तो पुरूष-पुरूष (या नारी नारी) का प्यार क्या चीज़ है

मैं सुश्री halliwell से आग्रह करता हूँ की अपने प्यारे टामी (या जो भी उन कुक्कुर श्रेष्ठ का नाम हो) को बाबा बामदेव के पास ले जाए | बाबा बामदेव जब अपनी योग विद्या से बड़े बड़ों को straight रस्ते पे ला सकते हैं तो क्या कुत्तों का योग से भला नही हो सकता? (सुश्री पैरिस हिल्टन यदि आप सुन रही हैं तो कुत्तों के कपड़े के बाद कुक्कुर योग धाँसू आईडिया है)| after all man ij aalso e sosal animal

कायावती को पत्र

2009-08-19T15:18:00.007+05:30

प्रीय जगत बहन सुस्री कायावती,

आपकी माया और काया दोनों महान है | रक्षाबंधन का दिन आया और चला भी गया और आपके अनेक भैय्यों में किसी ने आपकी सुध भी न ली | यों तो इस पर्व पे बहने अपने भाइयों की सलामती की दुआएं मांगती हैं पर आपके सब भैय्ये इस दिन आपसे सलामती की दुआएं मांगते हैं | पूरा देश राखी के स्वयंवर में इतना मशगूल हुआ की आपके बारे में किसी ने न सोचा, आख़िर आपके लाल हाथों को पीला करना आपके भैय्यों का ही फ़र्ज़ बनता है| जगत कल्याण और शिलान्यास से आपको समय नही मिलता और इस बेदर्द दुनिया और जालिम समाज ने आपके 'मुलायम' दिल को कठोर बना दिया है जो आप अपने बारे में सोचना भूल गई| राखी के स्वयंवर के बाद भारतवर्ष को एक और सच का सामना करना चाहिए, कौन होगा वो बांका 'सुवर' जो हाथी पर सवार होकर आयेगा और बहन कायावती के चरण पकड़ के हाथ थाम लेगा? मैं माननीय टीवी चैनल वालों से आग्रह करता हूँ की एक और वास्तविकता शो बनाया जाए - "कौन बनेगा कायावती का पती"

आपका
क्वार्क

सोफिया का स्वयंवर

2009-08-16T22:49:00.013+05:30

तो बात ये है की हमारे पड़ोस में एक आंटी जी हैं जिन्होंने guinea pig और खरगोश पाल रखे हैं जो बाग़ में खूब अठ्खेलियां करते हैं | खरगोश थोड़ा नई है तो guinea pig उसका तिरस्कार करके भगा देते हैं, तो अब उस अकेली बेचारी मायूस खरगोश के लिए एक जीवन साथी ढूँढा जा रहा है, जीवनसाथी डाट काम पे क्या इंसान छोड़ा और जानवरों का भी मेल होता है? होता हैं तो वहाँ तो देखा ही जाएगा पर पाठकों से निवेदन है की उनकी नज़र में कोई सुंदर, सुशील, अच्छी कद काठी वाला झबरीला बांका नर खरगोश हो तो एक ठो फोटू (और bio data) सहित हमे contact करें|

आपके लिए सोफिया की फोटू हाजिर है

अंकल जी की कितनी सेवा करती हैं ये तो पता नही पर खरगोश के दिल की धड़कनें तो आंटी को दूर दूर तक सुनाई दे जाती है, उसकी वो सूनी विरह की वेदना से लिप्त आँखें बर्दाश्त के बाहर है| जब उनके रख रखाव और साफ़ सफाई के बारे में पूछा गया तो पता चला मादा खरगोश तो बहुत साफ़ रहती है, guinea pig भी वैसे तो साफ़ ही रहते हैं पर कभी कभार आंटी को उनके पिछवाडे पानी से धोने पड़ते हैं! क्या विडम्बना है आदमी अपने पिछवाडे तो सादे कागज़ से पोंछता है और अति प्रीय guniea pig को मिलता है सिर्फ़ पानी! खैर राखी को तो उसका जीवन साथी मिल ही गया है देखते हैं बेचारी मादा खरगोश को उसका मन चाहा वर मिलेगा की नही

Update:
पाठकों को ये बताते हुए बड़ी खुशी हो रही है की सोफिया का जीवन साथी ढूँढ लिया गया है, गोरा चिट्टा सा एक handsome नर खरगोश जिसकी आँखें नीली नीली हैं और नाम है सिम्बा, विडम्बना का कोई अंत नही खरगोश का नाम सिम्बा! सोफिया और सिम्बा दोनों आधुनिक ख्यालों के हैं तो पाठक अभी शादी की आस न बाधें अभी उन्हें एक दूसरे के बारे में जानना है, शादी तो होती रहेगी

जर्मनी में बाल कटाई बड़ा रंग लाई

2009-08-09T16:30:00.004+05:30

तो भई मियाँ क्वार्क पहुंचे बाल कटवाने वो भी किसी ऐरे गैर नउव्वेसे से नही एक जर्मन barber से | स्विट्जरलैंड में तो बाल छूने के भी पैसे, पैसे नही फ्रँक लगते हैं और बाल कटवाने हो तो पता नही कितने फ्रँक ले लेते हैं | इतने तो लगते ही हैं जितने में आप अपने देस में साल भर बाल कटवा सकते हैं (चम्पी सहित) | इसका कारण सिर्फ़ forex रेट नही है पर इन देशो में जहाँ manual labor की कमी है जिस भी चीज़ में परिश्रम की जरूरत पड़ती है वो यकायक महंगी हो जाती है | खैर economic ज्ञान छोडिये, हम तो सपने ले कर गए थे की इतने सारे पैसे दे रहे हैं जरूर सोने की कैंची से बाल कटते होंगे | कमबख्त हमे क्या पता था की सब काम मशीनी होगा | जिस खोपडे को देसी कैंचियों, चमाटदार चम्पी और सुगन्धित तेल की आदत थी उसे तो मशीनी कटाई गुदगुदी ही लग रही थी |

पर मरता क्या न करता भई बाल बड़ा के भालुओं में गिनती भी तो नही करा सकते, किसी extinct होती species से मेल खा गए तो जू में बंद कर लेंगे वो भी जर्मन जानवरों के साथ | तो बैठ गए कुर्सी में चालु हो गई कटाई (जी हाँ कटाई सही शब्द है किसी खेत की कटाई से कम नही थी हमारे ज़ुल्फिकाओं की कटाई) | जब style के बारे में पूछा गया तो हमने मुहँ से बोल तो दिया की "छोटे" पर मन ही मन कहा की ऐसा काटो ऐसा काटो की २ महीने तक फ़िर तुम्हारे यहाँ कटवाने न आना पड़े | मजेदार बात तो ये हुई की कलम अर्थात sideburn की कटाई में हमसे पूछा गया की क्या १ cm काफ़ी रहेगा ! "अरे क्या फट्टा लगा के काटा जाएगा ?!" यही सोच के हमने मन ही मन ठहाके लगा लिए और अपना कपार barber के हवाले कर दिया, समझो की तुम पिकास्सो या डा विन्ची जैसे कोई महान कलाकार और मैं एक खाली कैनवास भर दो जिस रूप रंग में एक महान कृति बन जाए (बस बाल छोटे काटना) | बाकी सब तो ठीक था पर अपने देसी नउव्वे की तरह न तो मुफ्त की फिल्मी मैगजीन पड़ने को मिली और न ही समाज और राजनीति की संगीन चर्चा | बस थमा आए दोनों - euro और बाल एक मीठे से दांके के साथ|

इम्तिहान की घड़ी

2009-08-08T22:10:00.009+05:30

तो जैसा की पहले भी होता आया है आज फ़िर एक उबाऊ इम्तिहान की तैय्यारी के बीच में एक पोस्ट लिखा जाएगा| अब कोई नया विषय तो मिल नही रहा तो इम्तिहान पे ही ब्लॉग लिख देते हैं :) | हिन्दुस्तानी में जिसे इम्तिहान कहते हैं उसका अंग्रेज़ी शब्द बड़ा अच्छा है examination अर्थात आपको examine किया जा रहा है| Laboratory के किसी चूहे या मेंडक की तरह आपका test या आपके ऊपर test किया जा रहा है जिसका जानलेवा नतीजा जल्द ही पता चल जाएगा |

Exam में भी अपने देश का कोई टक्कर नही है भाई | जब इम्तिहान का मौसम आता था तो मानो यूं लगता था की पूरी कायनात का exam है, दस कमरे छोड़ के भी कोई गाना चला रहा हो तो उसे बंद करा दिया जाता था| किताबों, कॉपियों और कलम का बाज़ार गरम हो जाता था और तमाम प्रकार के टोटके लगाये जाते थे, जैसे कौन सी shirt lucky है और कौन सी कलम करामाती| जिन्होंने ने कभी मेहनत कर मटकी न फोडी वो इम्तिहान फोड़ने की बात करते थे | गणित की परीक्षा न भी हो तो भीषण गणित लगती थी, किसने assignment में कितने अंक बना लिए हैं, अव्वल दर्जा पाने के लिए कितने और की जरूरत है| मेहनत करने का कोटा तो सीमित है तो किस विषय में कितना समय ख़राब किया जाए ऐसी ही रणनीतियों और अटकलों की गर्मी हर तरफ़ देखी जा सकती थी |

पर एक महाशय मेरे कमरे के करीब ही कहीं रहते थे और रोज परीक्षा को 'फोड़ने' के बजाये परीक्षा से फूट के आते थे और फूट फूट के linkin park का एक ही गाना बजाते थे - I tried so hard and got so far. अरे मियां हमे बताने की क्या जरूरत है हम कौन सा कद्दू में तीर मार के आते थे| जिन छात्रों ने साल भर कुछ पड़ लिया होता था उनकी मांग सेंसेक्स की तरह बढ जाती थी और मुहँ छोड़ सब रातें काली करने में जुट जाते थे |

स्कूल में तो इम्तिहान का सीधा हिसाब होता था की भाई कॉपी और किताब उठाओ पहले से आखरी chapter तक अभ्यास कर लो पर college में तो अलग ही रंग देखने को मिलते थे | विषय छोड़ के लोगों प्रोफ़ेसर के चरित्र और मनोविज्ञान का विश्लेषण करते थे | कौन सा प्रोफ़ेसर किस प्रकार के सवाल देता है उसके कैसे जवाब लिखने होंगे और यदि जवाब नही आते हो तो क्या लिखना चाहिए ये सब सोचने में पड़ने का वक्त किसे मिलेगा | सबसे बढ़िया छात्र होते थे जिन्होंने जन्म तो मनुष्य योनी में लिया पर आसार काम देव के वाहन की तरह थे - अर्थात तोता| एक महानुभाव तो एक धार में ऐसा रट्टा लगाते की शब्दों सहित comma, full stop. diagram number और यहाँ तक की appendix भी घोंट के पी जाते थे |

अब इस स्विस नगरी में भी इम्तिहान हैं, laboratory ke चूहे समान परीक्षण है पर हॉस्टल वाली वो बात नही है जहाँ आपको अपने साथी चूहों को इम्तिहान फोड़ते हुए देखकर कोफ्त हो सकती थी, या बगल वाले दडबे के चूहे की हालत देख कर आप ये सोच सकते थे की चलो चूहा दौड़ में मैं इसके तो आगे हूँ | छुरी के नीचे काटना तो है ही तो साथ में कौन कौन कैसे काटने वाला है ये जान के ढाढ़स बाँध नही पाता| तो बस इस ही बात पे एक पुराना गाना याद आ गया - "तुम पुकार लो":

दिल बहल तो जाएगा इस ख्याल से
हाल मिल गया तुम्हारा अपने हाल से

Brazil vs Nineteen Eighty Four

2009-07-07T13:38:00.010+05:30

Recommendation from a friend and the tag dystopia prompted me to watch the movie, Brazil and it was worth every frame of it. People compare it a lot with Orwell's classic novel Nineteen Eighty Four but I beg to differ. Comparison of a movie and a novel is futile as both of them are completely different media of expression but nonetheless one can look at subjects and themes they delve in. If put a gun on my head I would any day say Nineteen Eighty Four is a far greater work than Brazil. How can I not choose a novel, after reading which I hated to wear my office badge!

The comparisons rely on a totalitarian, anonymous, unwieldy, inhumane bureaucratic system which plays a major role but not definitive role in Orwell's classic. Brazil gives one aspect of the anomalous system, burden of innocence where a bug (literally a bug) in the system sucks in the protagonist in an absurd whirlwind classifying him a terrorist. The notion of guilt reminds me of Kafka's The Trial but the two works are quite different as in guilt is much more emphasized and central in Kafka's work. Nineteen Eighty Four goes beyond a government system and paints a horrific picture of a perversion that seeps in every aspect of society. From a language which is being continuously "simplified" to remove all shades and ambiguities of a natural language to schizophrenic doublethink to abolition of family and orgasm, 1984 is an all engrossing quagmire of a system.

Brazil on another hand is an absurdist satire on a consumerist self obsessed society so disconnected to reality that after witnessing a terrorist bomb attack high society ladies still discuss their beauty treatment! Life in the world is a game of rules with individuals as pawns pushed and pulled by obscure forms. This where Brazil limits itself and probably Terry Gilliam would have added more depth if he had read the novel. Protagonists in Brazil unlike 1984 are neither too villanous nor heroic, they are just doing their jobs - playing by the rules or trying to get a way around them like Sam Lowry (contrast his intent of helping a loved one with defiance of Winston Smith of 1984 and you will get the idea)

Nonetheless Brazil stands as a brilliant piece of work in itself. The overpowering buildings remind me of Orson Welles rendition of Kafka's The Trial. Welles used geometrically aligned compositions in his frames to create an overpowering surrounding but both of them use behemoths, shadows to get that eerie feeling. Background score esp. Acquarela do Brasil (Watercolor of Brazil) is haunting but only discerning audience would find the relevance and meaning of the song in the movie and hence the title. The dream sequences are a visual treat and the climax uplifts the movie. Few users of IMDB term aspects of the movie as surreal but I won't beg to differ but simply differ. If you want surreal go watch Luis Buñuel (note: start with "Diary of a Chambermaid" his most accessible movie). The movie clearly demarcates the real from the imaginary so I won't classify it as surreal but absurd yes. Do watch the movie if especially if you like dystopia.

Shatranj ke Khilari (The Chess Players)

2009-06-19T00:08:00.015+05:30

Based on Munshi Premchand's story of the same name this masterpiece from Satyajit Ray brilliantly depicts accession of the kingdom of Awadh by East India Company. Premise of the story is comparison of the accession to a game of chess. A game of chess is a war where troops are deployed, strategies are laid out but no lives are lost and no blood is shed. And so was the accession.

The movie goes beyond just a description of historical turn of events and shows the bafflement of the British with Indian ruling class. General Outram who has to oversee the annexation is ignorant of India and is venomously contemptuous of its culture and practices. He is amazed at debauchery of ruler of Awadh who dances with "bells in his feet like a nautch girl", "also dresses up like a Hindoo god" and has 400 concubines. And yet despite being so engrossed in worldly pleasures still is a pious man who prays five times a day. Patronage of singers, artists and performers and even indulgence of the rulers in these activities used to be a source of bemusement for East India Company officers for a long time.

General Outram's distaste and disinterest of Urdu poetry is not matched by Captain Weston (who else can play a indophile British with impeccable accent better than Tom Alter) whose mere presence dilutes the polarity of two cultures. The character shows not all Britishers were disdainful of Indian ways. It is a pity that despite Alter's histrionic skills and command in Hindi as well as Urdu he got the evil foreigner roles in numerous Indian movies.

The story is quite sympathetic towards Nawab Wajid Ali Shah, so sensitively portrayed by Amjad Khan that you can't believe he is the same guy who played the hideous dacoit Gabbar Singh in Sholay. On one hand he loves worldly things, songs, dances [a beautiful thumri choreographed by Shree Birju Maharaj], flies kites and yet he is a god fearing pious man. He acknowledges his shortcomings as a ruler yet is resentful of the British for dethroning him and having to give his crown to a mere General of East India Company. Despite his flaws he is loved by the masses and British know this so a violent takeover is out of question and here lies the key of the story, this is the point which makes annexation similar to a game of chess.

The movie juxtaposes the power play of aristocrats with life of two nabobs, portrayed by Saeed Jaffrey and Sanjeev Kumar, who are avid players of chess. The noblemen get so engrossed in their game of chess that they forget responsibilities, neglect their households and even start playing chess near their lawyer's death bed in the pretense of visiting him!The two have inherited their wealth and status by inheritance due to bravery of their ancestors. Though they boast of courage yet they escape to a nearby village for a game of chess towards the end when rumors of annexation are rife.

The intricacies of the game of chess also highlight cultural differences between Indian subcontinent and the British. Any chess enthusiast from South Asian subcontinent would (should) know there are vernacular versions of the game in terms of placement and movement of chess pieces. The queen in formal, international (and British here) version is called a Vazir (minister to the ruler) in Indian version. This fact is highlighted at the end after the British armies march peacefully to take over Awadth one of the nabobs claim that the time of Vazir is gone and now its time for the queen to rule. And the ultimate difference between the two ways? Well the English way is faster, which is a take on rapid industrialization brought by British.

Other noticeable performances are from Shabana Azmi as wife of Mirza Sajjad Ali (Sanjeev Kumar) and Victor Bannerjee as the Prime Minister of Wajid Ali Shah. Victor Bannerjee doesn't has a long screen presence but he just captures the moments without even speaking, notice his expressions during the thumri and you will get something ugly is going to come.

Art direction gives really transports you to the that era and Musical score though is used so well throughout yet stands brilliantly at some places like when the two Mirza play chess in lawyer's house or at the starting.

Some of my favourite moments:

The starting scene has two nabobs playing chess and there is a black background but the beauty of this comes to the fore when Mirza Sajjad Ali's servant emerges from the darkness for hukka refill thats when role of the background comes into play, depicting how there is nothing other than chess in their universe. The same technique is used for Wajid Ali Shah's introduction too.

The use of animation and Amitabh Bachchan's narration in his rich baritone sets the mood and places the story in right context which shows narrative capabilities of Satyajit Ray.

Such is the madness of the chess players that when Sajjad Ali's wife steals the chess pieces they use vegetables in place of the pieces!

Wajid Ali Shah resigning to his fate by reciting 'Jab chhod chale Lakhnou nagari...'

Here are some of Wajid Ali Shah's words:

सदमा ना पहुंचे कोई मेरे जिस्म-ऐ-ज़ार पर
अहिस्ता फूल डालना मेरी मजार पर

हर चंद ख़ाक में था मगर ता फलक गया
धोखा है आसमान का मेरे गुबार पर

Wound not my bleeding body,
Throw flowers gently on my grave,
Though mingled with the earth,
I rose up to the skies,
People mistook my rising dust for the heavens

Genius and Intuition

2009-05-27T04:47:00.005+05:30

Following is an article I had written for Petals, a portal for self expression at my first job

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Intuition though quite an inexplicable phenomenon yet attracts attention from scientists, mystics and laymen alike. I will take intuitions in the context of geniuses with specific reference to Ramanujam as portrayed in a biography aptly named "The Man who knew Infinity".

The book attempts to take a holistic view of Ramanujam's life, his early years, dominant yet caring mother, his leaning, place in which he lived, the soil on which he walked on. It attempts to describe an oriental mystic and genius meeting the renowned eccentric mathematician Thomas Hardy. This is a recurring theme and comes up in subtle ways, clearly chalking out a line between east and west.

Second aspect of the book is the chasm in which the book is written. This chasm is the view of phenomenon of intuition as seen by the Orient and the Occident. The divide overshadows any other perspective of events described in the book.

Where did Ramanujam's magical intuition come from? Was his work a fluke (though a string of flukes, if this is true)? Was it because of his religious beliefs as he used to claim? We are not answering these questions, for the questions and asking of these questions is what matters to us here.

In his prolific book "The Argumentative Indian" written by Nobel laureate Prof. Amartya Sen also discusses this aspect in a different manner and slightly different context. Prof. Sen takes example of Indian mathematician namely Aryabhatta and Varahmihira. Their work and source of inspirations in some or the other ways were always likened with their religious beliefs. The point is not whether their religion beliefs made an impact or not. The point which he puts forth is why this question is asked only in cases of oriental thinkers.

In Ramanujam's case, the interest in mystic gets accentuated because he himself told appearances of goddess Namagiri, who informs him all the solutions which became humongous feats in mathematical intellect. He had a deep interest in astrology – not as an amateur, nor a practitioner, but as a serious pursuit which is evident in the prediction of his early death made by himself.

Ramanujam was a strange dichotomous character for the west. A religious, mystic genius in mathematics who worked on intuition rather than rationale, his works were flights of fancy. Flashes of intuitions, boisterous mathematical claims without a proof at hand were commonplace with him. Though many of his claims finally proved to be wrong, the ones that were right, proved to be prolific.

His life also gave a picture of colonized India, where a genius of his stature had no formal education to make him eligible for research work. His brilliance was scoffed off in his own land and would be recognized truly, albeit with apprehension in west.

मानोगे नहीं ...

2009-05-25T03:00:00.002+05:30

भौतिकी (physics) एक ऐसा विषय है जो हमे हमेशा से भाता रहा है | क्या आपने शाखा से गिरे सेब से विज्ञानं की नयी शाखा निकलते देखी है?! भौतिकी के दाहिने हाथ के खेल का किस्सा तो हम सुना चुके हैं, और हिंदी भाषा वाला भी | यह किस्सा कुछ और है | बात है CBSE board के इम्तिहान की जिसका कुरुक्षेत्र शहर से थोडा दूर था तो हम सब छात्र एक ही बस में जाते और आते थे | कुछ हम थे जो समीकरणों (equations) और सूत्रों (formulas) में सर फुडाते रह गए और कुछ वो थे जिन्होंने भौतिकी को भगवान् से मिला डाला ! नहीं नहीं हम श्रीमान भूरे (dan brown) के सहपाठी नहीं रहे | da vinci छोडिये ये तो angel, demon के बाप तक पहुँच गए |

इन महानुभाव का एक जुमला हुआ करता था "भाई .... तुम मानोगे नहीं ....." (अरे बंधू जब तुम्हे पता है की हम नहीं मानने वाले हैं तो बता काहे रहे हो! खैर ये बात तो किसी और मुद्दे की है...) | तो भौतिकी की परीक्षा ख़तम हुई और छात्रों का काफिला सवालों और उनके जवाबों में उलझा, मध्हम कदमों से आगे बढ ही रहा था की किसी ने उन महानुभाव से पूछ ही लिया "यार कैसी हुई तुम्हारी परीक्षा" बस फिर क्या था उन्होंने वह महान शब्द कह डाले "की आज तो यदि ब्रम्हा जी भी नीचे उतर के बोल दे की बेटा तुम पास हो गए हो तो में कहूँगा..... आप झूठ बोल रहे हैं"!

(अपने ही बनाए माटी के पुतले के इतने अटूट विश्वास को परमपिता ब्रम्हा भी कैसे झुठला सकते थे तो ....)

हिंदी कक्षा के व्यंगात्मक वाक़ये

2009-05-17T15:34:00.005+05:30

तो मुद्दा ये है की हमारी पाठशाला में शिक्षकों को रचनात्मकता और नवाचार भाता न था | बात है हिंदी परीक्षा की जिसमे प्रश्न आते थे वही घिसे पिटे स्त्रीलिंग से पुल्लिंग और विपरीत | तो एक महानुभाव को जब भगवान का लिंग बदलना था (तिरस्कारी और असंभव काम है जानता हूँ) तो महाशय का जवाब रहा मादा भगवान | शिक्षिका ने उस छात्र को महात्मा के खिताब से तो नवाजा पर अंक न दिए |

दूसरा वाक़या भी हिंदी कक्षा का ही है, दूसरे किस्म के घिसे पिटे सवाल आते थे दिए गए एक शब्द पे वाक्य बनाने के | अब कई ऐसे क्लिष्ट शब्द आते थे की बच्चों के हाथों से तोते उड़ जाते | मसलन एक शब्द आया विहंगम | अब विहंगम किस चिडिया का नाम है इसकी तो आधे से ज्यादा लोगों को हवा भी न थी | फिर क्या लोगों का रचनात्मकता दिमाग चल गया | एक राम बाण वाक्य निकाला गया जो सब दुःख दूर कर दे | भाई किसी भी संज्ञा का लिंग बदलने के लिए वह संज्ञा नर है की मादा इतना तो पता ही होना चाहिए पर ऐसी कोई भी बाधा इस राम बाण वाक्य में न थी | और वह महान वाक्य था "विहंगम एक अच्छा शब्द है" | कुछ छात्र तो यहाँ तक न रुके उन्होंने सवाल को ही जवाब बना डाला और स्याह अक्षरों में लिखा "शिक्षिका ने विहंगम पे वाक्य लिखने को कहा" | इस वाक्य ने तो शिक्षिका को अवाक कर दिया | अब इस बात को झुठलाया तो नहीं जा सकता की शिक्षिका ने वाक्य लिखने को कहा है, ये तो अटूट सत्य है और इस वाक्य में आवश्यक शब्द भी है तो वह शिष्य को पुरस्कार में भारत की खोज शून्य तो भेंट दे नहीं सकी हाँ कक्षा में निवेदन जरूर किया की ऐसे वाक्य लिखिए जिनसे शब्द का अर्थ उभर के आये और मन मसोस कर आधे अंक दिए|

Socially Relevant Songs

2009-04-13T15:14:00.006+05:30

Now that Indian National Congress has endorsed the song Jai Ho, we are truly recognizing movie songs as potent devices for engaging public. Hindi movie songs offer such a vast expanse than mere entertainment. The lyrics some times transgress mere personal feeling of love between two individuals and appeal to higher goals. Here are some suggestions of Hindi cinema songs which can be endorsed (@legal eagles, can I get a patent or royalty if some one actually starts using them?)

The first one is a no bummer. Indian Aviation Industry can definitely borrow from Subhash Ghai's latest megalomania: "Aaja main hawaon main utha ke le chaloon tu hi to meri dost hai". Though they have other options like "Aaj main oopar, aasmaan neeche" but Ghai's classic wins hands down.

With all due respect if Shree Bachchan ji's social campaigns (not the UP me jurmkam hai types) are not drawing in the crowds then use this Sunny Paji song for eye donation: "Tere chehre pe apni nazar chhod jaunga"

Whats the link between Jumping Jack Jeetu and a one lakh car. No prizes for this. Nano main sapna, Sapna main Sajna, Sajna pe dil aa gaya.
What better way to woo your paramour than buy her/him a Nano! The surreal and dreamy song sequence is an apt sample for Freudian analysis of an entire cinematic decade. I implore readers to watch the entire clip to see Jeetu and Sree getting high on pot.

Our dear, healthy Health Minister, Ramadoss can definitely use Shahid Baba and Balan aunty's healthy song recommending papaya for people with blood pressure issues. High BP, khaye papita (or so it sounded to me) and he is not stoned enough Shahid baba is going to take you higher on a papaya diet!

A-New Mallik meets Rapidex English Speaking course. With rising economy our musical genius should rise to the occasion and educate the masses in the truly global, queen's language. Append each Hindi line with its translation and Voila!

dekho barish ho rahi hai -> its raining, its raining, its raining
mera dil ro raha hai -> my heart is paining, its painting, its paining

Yours truly Govinda, the hero of your average cinema going Richshaw-walla educates people about traffic manners: Maine paidal se ja raha thha, une cycle se aa rahi thee. Chi chi and Lolo chose various modes of transportation to address a vast range of people - pedestrian, cycle, moto, auto hell even an airplane The brilliant piece of infotainment can replace the illustrated books used as teaching material for kids to learn various modes of transport.

It has been rumored that a television channel which provides content related to popular science is in talks with Farhan Akhtar for the environmentally conscious song listing various kinds of snakes and enumerate their physiological characteristics: Zehreeley Zehreeley, kale, peele, neele. After all daddy dear made the classic Madhuri Dixit numeracy song!

The Kurious Kase of Missing Kalashnikov

2009-03-20T03:20:00.002+05:30

Well examinations can do strange things to stranger people. Gates for the blitzkrieg were about to be opened and people were in a mugging frenzy. Amidst the chaos some innovative people find newer ways to screw other people's head. Our protagonist, lets call him S was a firm believer in the adage - "When rape is inevitable lay down and enjoy". Not only did he believe in it but wanted others to experience the statutory offense too.

With the subterfuge of revision S saw a worthy pursuit, egrossed in text book, and posed a seemingly innocent question. "Have you seen the Kalashnikov Theorem?". The choice of the fake name of theorem itself tells volumes about S. The hunt, lets name him G gave a bewildered expression which changed to that of a deer caught in front of headlight when S gave him a random page number and moved on casually. G could not believe after all the lecture notes, hours of going through every nook and crany of book he did not even know THE kalashnikov theorem. He metaphorically kicked himself in the nuts but when he could not locate Kalashnikov theorem or even the scent of it, G caught hold of S and started asking him where the heck is Kalashnikov theorem in the book. At least S can tell him what was the theorem about.

S gave a guffaw and told him it was a lie, he was just messing with G but he was up for a twist in the tale. G went furious, taking that to be some game plan on S's part to avoid G getting that weird theorem which can turn the table in G's favor. If only he could know the Kalashnikov. S was still laughing but G entered in a state of denial like a Hindi Cinema character actor who is still in disbelief that his/her object of love is dead. "Ye nahi ho sakta, keh do ki ye ek jhooth hai, ek bhadda mazaak." (Expletives and blasphemies edited out, this is a family oriented blog). G was literally roughing up S like Hindi Film police inspector to divulge the whereabouts of Kalashnikov. "Tera to baap bhi batayega ki Kalashnikov kahaan chhupa rakha hai". Much to his dismay G's dismay he could not extract the confession in time and he went to exam one theorem less but still wondering when exactly was S messing with him.

As for the moral of the story, if you get one do put it up in the comments. We had a nice laugh after this. If you ask him, G would not even remember the incident. As for the exam, I do not remember anything about it except there was no question related Kalashnikov theorem.

Jai Ho!

2009-02-25T23:32:00.002+05:30

Time: Diwali Night, 2008
Location: A student house in Zurich
Occassion: Diwali Pooja

So a bunch of desis, mostly techies studying in Zurich (sounds paradoxical right) gathered for a pooja. Now engineers with there last minute resourcefulness had not arranged for an idol of deities to perform rituals. Quick came the fix, a laptop was fetched, Google image search gave an appropriate pic to worship and even the Aarti was found on youtube. The pious students had their mind set on Goddess of wealth (with new found fervor from recent recession) and the Lord of Obstacles (much needed because of the impending, imminent exams). Eyes closed and palms folded in devotion (and job opportunity at the back of mind) but who remembers the lyrics (its the feelings that counts ain't they and a little bit of melody) were trying to sync up with one other and the youtube Aarti.

The deviant mind chooses worst of the moments to deviate. A realization dawned on me, what if the building's caretaker who knows nothing about Indian culture at all suddenly pops in the hall curios because of chanting sound. He would surely connect the dots and realize, "Now that's why these Indian buggers are so good in Information Technology, they worship laptops!"

Ye kya ho raha hai

2008-12-13T08:32:00.006+05:30

I was caught in a "Ye kya ho raha hai beta duryodhan" moment. Yes the Hindi mythological cinematic equivalent of WTF (you have to watche Jane bhi do yaro umpteenth time to understand that). Off and on I used to check sitemeter statistics of my blog and get amused by weird search keywords people use and how one or the other of my blog posts come up as search result for unrelated keywords. No stellar or spectacular feat but amusing yes. Some posts on Hindi cinema lyrics, Rakhi Savant (interestingly savant means a scholar).

What compelled me to write this post was a yahoo search from a Pakistani ISP and the keywords were peshab ki pic (Pictures of Urine). My post which comes as the 4th (and 5th also!) result is actually a rant about Orkut and only last two of the three keywords match with the post content and comments.

Even if I consider imperfections of search engine algorithms and factor in that some people get blog hits out of retro sleaze, what I can not fathom is what compelled the person to search for photographs of urine on internet!

* Does it (the searcher) wants to check if its color of pee is normal?
* Or it has never urinated in its life and wants to know how it looks
* Some strange fetish (I do not want to venture in this line of thought)

So here I end my post and I plea yahoo people to redirect such freaks somewhere else

Pro Crass tination

2008-12-13T07:25:00.007+05:30

Heavy snow beating down the city, awake at 0200 hrs, inevitable barrage of examinations (that word makes me imagine being under a microscope) of the author and he still finds reasons to procrastinate studies time and again. Few things you realize during exams:

* The den needs cleaning
* Garbage needs to be thrown out
* You need a nice pen even before you flip the first page so off you go to buy a nice one
* Can not work without a coffee

And now the blog.

Living near and moving around a wide variety of international students I have came across many non-Indian people with a healthy curiosity in India (rare are the chronic cases of Indophilia). Exchange of cultural exchanges ensues after acquiring acquaintance over different dinner or visit to a friend's place. Some cliched and stereotypical topics always come up:

* Hindi Cinema (referred to the derogatory name: Bollywood)
- The heroine has to change 17 dresses in a song sequence
- Couple get teleported to and from Switzerland instantaneously
- Couple break into song n dance at the drop of the hat

Now to this I do not have any answer, this is an existential question. How the hell can a fish tell a well frog why is sea water salty hence I can not explain why Amitabh Bachchan used to kill the villain after eating all his bullets.

* Indian Food
- spicy
- the better ones might know : chicken tikka masala, naan, biryani
- weird non vegetarians : pork, beef, fish, eggs (theoretically 2 raised to the power of 4 = 16 combinations)

* Kamasutra
- No they do not teach Kamasutra at school there would be a riot if it were to happen
- No every Indian is not an expert in it
- AFAIK it is not a manual to achieve the big O (frankly told to a couple who gave a knowing smile to each other)

* Gods
- Yea there is a plethora of Gods in India
- They dance, play, romance, fight, take human form and what not
- I know it is complex, probably you can do a master thesis on the list, for now take Brahma, Vishnu, Mahesh that will do

But what threw me off was one guy asked me about the mammilla (word changed for obvious reasons) song. Half baffled and half embarrassed I asked him to show it on youtube. I expected some sleazy rendition of a popular song or a bawdry parody but it turned out to be Sushmita Sen's Dilbar Dilbar song which got Buffalaxed to mammilla song. The poor soul all the while thought text presented in the video to be English translation of actual lyrics. I had a hard time conveying him the actual meaning amidst uncontrollable laughter. India and Indians are indeed queer, quirky but we are yet to reach that state of what should I call, I am out of words, perversion, insanity, masochism?

After having a hearty laugh I recollected the real great time I had with my friend Hari who introduced me to the funniest of all Indian Buffalaxed songs: Benny Lava quite a while ago.

Aag Jalni Chaahiye

2008-11-29T17:20:00.001+05:30

आग जलनी चाहिए

- दुष्यंत कुमार

हो गई है पीर पर्वत सी, पिघलनी चाहिए,
इस हिमालय से कोई गंगा निकलनी चाहिए .

आज यह दीवार परदों की तरह हिलने लगी,
शर्त लेकिन थी की यह बुनियाद हिलनी चाहिए.

हर गली में, हर शहर में, हर नगर, हर गाँव में,
हाथ लहराते हुए हर लाश चलनी चाहिए .

सिर्फ़ हंगामा खड़ा करना मेरा मकसद नहीं ,
सारी कोशिश है की यह सूरत बदलनी चाहिए .

मेरे सीने में नहीं, तो तेरे सीने में सही
हो कहीं भी आग, लेकिन आग जलनी चाहिए.

Broken News: Obama became Prez

2008-11-06T06:01:00.002+05:30

Readers are requested not to ask why I wrote this, to spare the horror let me explain and increase the post length. Every respectable blogger worth his bits and bytes has to blog about Obama and US Presidential race and try in vain to write something new. Since I do not have anything new to say, so let me just post.

(Readers are also request to comment worthless comments)

WordPlay

2008-10-28T14:10:00.007+05:30

1984: The Big Brother is watching you

2007: Did any watch Big Brother?

(not the TV series)

Welcome to Sajjanpur

2008-10-09T01:24:00.004+05:30

In the world of crappy movies with double entendre and slap stick humor comes a breezy delight by the master craftsman Shyam Benegal. The ease at which he embeds the social message without messing with the story is awesome. Take for example when Kamla Kumharin informs Mahadev of her father's superstitious belief about getting epilepsy fits because of going to school you can clearly see the message but there is no protagonist here who metaphorically comes out of the screen and raises an important issue for other actors as well as audience to answer. To exemplify we have numerous examples of heroes giving lectures on kanoon, insaaf, samaaj, police etc, in court, in a crowd, police station where the movie veers from a narrative, a story towards a Charkha Dutt types one sided debate. The characters and there world strictly remain inside the screen in a world of there own. (I have this grouse with many of the movies that I liked e.g. RDB, Munnabhai series and ). To me it seems like breaking the fourth wall in a figurative way of speaking which has been used quite often in Hindi cinema. Other plagues like caste based politics, arm twisting of the law and goonda raj are also shown in a not so heavy manner.

The moment you feel there is nothing new happening in the world, the director zooms you out of the frame and you find you where embedded in a narrative. The comedy is subtle there is no Rajpal Yadav or Johnny Lever for you, though Johnny has a class of his own, a hackneyed one though. All the actors did awesome acting, at no time did I feel I was watching a petite Amrita Rao or Shreyas Talpade, it was Kamla Kumharin's and Mahadev's world I was peeking in to.

The protagonists are themselves not the innocent villagers - mehnati kisan, godhooli ki vela, ganv ki gori such stereotypes are kept out at bay . The shade of greys in Mahadev's characters are awesome, Kamla's role needed more dimensions as most of her role was reactive putting the onus on Shreyas.

The character and story of eunuch Munni is hilarious, bawdry yet grounded in reality and leaves an indelible mark on audiences mind. It is her/his/her/his quips at embarrassed Mahadev that steals the scenes. Do watch it with your friends and family :)

In Munni's own words: "Tikke ne khoob kiya, chaukke ne khoob kiya are panje ne khoob kiya, ki ayi ab munni ki baari"

Vichitra Kintu Satya (Strange but True)

2008-10-08T02:55:00.002+05:30

Couple of desis waiting for a bus, talking boisterously in chaste Hindi in the heart of Switzerland, Zürich, late night and not even owl screeching to let you know there are other living beings. Zap comes a black, open roof sedan with a glistening head and old melodious Hindi movie song blaring out of his cell phone.

Hmm, looks an ofay, not a desi I thought. Must have listened to some songs by an Indian/South Asian friend and might have liked the melody but why the heck is has he stopped in the middle of the road on a deserted street, playing the music for strange desis on a bus stop!

"You might be liking the new, modern stuff" and he switched "O jane jaana" song by Atif and suddenly everyone participated in a half shocked, reserved, baffled, amused yet maintaining the distance.

"Old is gold" comes the cliched response from a desi and pat came the reply "But gold never goes old" and he zoomed past us. And all I could say was - Vichitra Kintu Satya (Strange but True)

Dil - The Mighty Heart

2008-05-08T09:53:00.026+05:30

A careful observation and the secret for usage of the culinary reference 'Masala' to Indian Hindi cinema will unravel in front of your eyes like Mallicka Sherawat's dance sequence. The movie in question is archetype of 80s-90s Hindi cinema. DIL

"Ek chatak matak heroine le, usme jawani ka tadka laga de. Hero ka stud max hona zaroori hai. 2-4 tadakte bhadakte girl vs. boy college songs. Ab in dono ko pyar ke tel main garam hone ke liye dheemi aanch pe daal de. Jaise hi jawani, diwani, rawani halka laal rang pakad le, do dushman bapon ka tadka laga de. Aur haan isme side kicks, mimickry artist aur ugly ducklings swadanusar (according to taste) daal sakte hain. Tadka jor marte hi oopar se haalaat ki mirchi aur misunderstanding ka zeera chhidak de aur apki masala movie tayyar. Ek cheepad se theatre main serve kare aur dosto ya parivar ke saath enjwaayi kare"

The movie had all the essential elements of a 80s-90s hit. College boys with white 'campus' shoes. Girls in frilly frocks with puffed shouldered, boring harrowed professors teaching Ohm's law in big lecture theaters and yay Disco Dancing. The fathers (many a times pink with rage Saeed Jaffrey), never agreed with their siblings choice of soulmate and the leading couple had to rebel, that was until SRK wooed the entire family in DDLJ.

The depth in lyrics is hard to ignore. I am sure Raja (Amir) was studying biology by the way he described Madhu (Madhur Dickshit): khamba, patakhe ki ladi, shola, fuljhadi. He even delved in bioelectrical properties by giving Madhu's voltage characteristics! Watch for the moves in the song for a full body exercise with special emphasis for pot bellied uncles and aunties. Why go to VLCC and these health spas. Plug in Dil and move from six pack flabs to six pack abs.

Long before health tabloids discussed links between sleep disorder and heart problems our desi hero had described in beautiful verses (video link):

I don't get sleep, I don't get sleep, I don't get sleep
Someone go, find it and bring it
I don't know where my heart got lost
What my condition is, how can I tell you
Tossing and turning, I pass the night

Ask me, ask what my condition is
My condition is weak
No one can understand what ailment is affecting me
Someone go, find it and bring it

Oh heavens, what pain I have
The pain is very merciless
Sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me cry

I don't get sleep, I don't get sleep, I don't get sleep
I don't get rest, I don't get rest, I don't get rest

Other highlights of the movie (for sake of brevity in bullets):

Definition of rape given by AK to MD. Something in which Indra delved in 'Ishq'
Tribute to Dev Anand by Kishore Anand Bhanushali. This was his debut movie. Read this too
Holding on to one's samskara. After winning a bout of boxing match against Ajitesh Irani. According to bet, AK had to kiss MD. After a tense moment, he shrugs her and say:

"Bachpan main mujhe sikhaya gaya thha ki airi gairi cheezon ko moonh nahi lagate!"

Random Trivia:

Ajitesh (Shakti the boxer in Dil) played her son on screen in Beta. His full name is Ajitesh Kumar Irani. Aruna and Indra Kumar are siblings.

Babloo mukherjee is son of Hindi cinema's best drunkard ever, the surname says it all: Keshto Mukherjee. And no Sushmita Mukherjee (Kitty, from TeleSerial Karamchand) is not KM's daughter

Another junior artiste, a college friend of Amir, appeared in KrackJack ad with Boman Irani as Krack and Jack.

Indra Kumar has a penchant of keeping one word movie names: Dhamaal, Masti, Mann, Ishq, Raja, Beta except for one 'Pyare Mohan'

(You might ask why the blog title: Dil - The Mighty Heart? Read Aam (the Common)

Let there be traffic lights

2008-04-15T09:03:00.027+05:30

Vijay Sharma did it so should we, that is create a new God. Voltaire talked of necessity to invent God we Indians went ahead and created one using cinema. Jai Santoshi Ma might be the only instance in world cinema where a deity with new mythological stories was created and had such a popular following complete with rituals, rites etc.

Please do not mistake this post to be a proposal for 'Gulshan Kumar presents' movie or bhajan album with Anuradha Podwal . What I am looking for is to create a new God with newer powers. They say prehistoric man in awe of forces of nature used to find 'God' or a supreme being or power in phenomenon like rain, flood, lightening. Anthropomorphic forms came quite later to be followed by contract/faith based religion.

Coming exactly to the point I want to propose a new God (or Goddess to save me from woman empowerment devis) centered in the city of Banggalore (Bengaluru). He would be the God of Traffic - यातायातेश्वर (yaataayaateshwar) benevolence of without which no mortal can reach his destination by road! Yaataayaateshwar is a distant cousin of Yama, the God of Death. Yama incarnates as the mighty Yamaha (Oops was a secret code in another of Robert Langdon's adventure?) . He is also related to God of Time, the exact nature of which is known only to few scholars and researchers of Bangalore traffic vs time warps.

The guardian angles descend upon Earth in form of auto rickshaw drivers who plug themselves in every possible gap to ensure his wish is fulfilled. Unbeknown to them bike riders start riding on pavements because of his will. Traffic cops are the neo-Brahmins meditating at the nearest nukkad or pan shop discussing his divine providence amongst themselves away from the heathen unruly crowds. All that it takes is a few bucks for his blessings for drunken driving or driving without helmet, it is homage to him not a crime, those silly government babus what do they know. They call those green offering bribes!

Forget sava rupaye ka prasad or a trip to a shrine for this is an urban God who has no mercy for the meek. Rev up your engine and let your horns bark spouting paeans for him. Riders of Big or small vehicles, motor bike, car, scooty or even a 'mo-ped' do not bother, go ahead and sweat it out what are these governments to implement silly rules. If your faith in him is strong if your conviction is true then you shall prevail any skirmish or a battle when some non-believer tries to block your path all because of those three silly colored bulbs which are mere obstacles to test your faith.

So come on one and all and pay heed to the mighty यातायातेश्वर (yaataayaateshwar) and as Jim Morrison sang

Your hands upon the wheel.
Yeah, were going to the roadhouse,
Gonna have a real good-time.

Yeah, the back of the roadhouse,
Theyve got some bungalows.
Yeah, the back of the roadhouse,
Theyve got some bungalows.

They dance for the people
Who like to go down slow.

Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, all night long.

Trivia

2008-04-01T14:58:00.001+05:30

Q: What is common between Vladimir Nobokov and Shakti Kapoor?
A: Auuuuu Lolita!

Ankush - A movie review

2008-03-20T13:48:00.037+05:30

The distinguishing feature of the movie is neither brutal rape nor gruesome murders not even discourse given by four protagonists in court room but slow degeneration of a generation, bit by bit. Potential criminals are not made in accidental moments of hunger (read Rajesh Khanna's Roti) or personal revenge (read Agnipath) or concoction of the above (read Deewar) but are byproducts of alienation, unemployment, low societal status working on young psyche bit by bit.

The slow degradation starts when the credits end, showing rivalry over 'Ganesh Visarjan', a popular festival in Maharashtra. Their identity to external world is rooted in their own 'mohalla' (__wadhi ke launde). The gang fights and subsequent victories do not pull them in 'Alice in Gangsterland' myth of RGV (those have their own place) but the four loafers still remain in veranda of an empty house where street and home, shadow and sunlight abut. A symbol of being neither in safe, secure, comfortable zone of a house nor anonymous, isolated and mean streets. Each of their families or the absence of it shows lack of support but a spineless elder brother, old age spent mother, elder sister who uses illicit means for income are more of literal readings.

In terms of protagonist's development they did not become smuggler/criminal of international repute such as V.D. Chauhan in Agnipath. A common element in such mainstream movies of social discourse is transgression. Transgression from rural/town to metro runs parallel with ascendanc of protagonist. (Agnipath, Deewar, Namakhalaal, Muqaddar ka Siqandar. Wrongs to Kalia where done in Bombay but he was still a 'bhaiyya' unaccustomed to Bombay ways). Protagonists of Ankush lie within the social laboratory of Bombay mohallas/chawls (locality) in petri dish of the mohalla.

The difference between these four and gangster 'Sublaya' and shades of criminality elicit their decadence: saving a girl from eave teasing, hired hands to vacate an illegal tenant, gang rivalry skirmishes to picking up fight in frustrated state of mind to murder.

Another important aspect was protagonist repent illegal means not for ill mother (read Deewar) or confused parentage (read Parvarish) but outcome of their own violent means. They never get steeped into gutter of criminal world and their is no glorification of violence. In essence the tussle between evils of society are not directly mapped to personal revenge and question of what path should be taken is left unanswered just when audience where convinced taking law in one's own hand is the way to go(unlike Rang De Basanti).

Defining moment for me was when Shashi's (Madan Jain) brother distances him, Shashi finds relief in the fact that last barrier of family's respect is removed and his tussle between two worlds of employed middle class salaried men and criminal do-as-you-please is removed for he had been a trishanku all the while.

The role of social worker Manda and her grand mom and their discourses remain aloof from over utilized words of love, peace and non violence and are based on 'Shradhha' or trust (please correct me if I am wrong) which need not be about being religious. The debates are terse and clearly avoid hyperbole, action sequences are no novelty just that they do not carry AK47s or pistols always, some of them are quite long drawn. Music does not interfere with the narrative and in fact the prayer adds a lot to what movie tries to convey.

For a first movie N. Chandran showed a lot of maturity which unfortunately he could sustain only till Tezab which carries the same subtext as Ankush.

[Observation] SRK the gal stealer

2008-03-14T16:33:00.015+05:30

It has been observed that Shah Rukh Khan's oeuvre has been taking another man's girl:

Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa: This is one of the cutest and heart felt movie I have seen coming out of SRK's stable, the rest are dud studs. Two boys fighting for ek aanaa (Are bhai mere paas ao chaar aana le lo). Though he tried hard SRK lost her to get Juhi Chawla at then end. Now we know more was yet to come.

Baazigar: 'Haar ke jeetne wale ko bazigar kehte hain' despite desperate measures from Sushant Ray [Inspector Karan] he could not have Kajol, neither did SRK but who cares about Sushant Ray.

Darr: Now this was hell of a creepy movie made by SRK and I am sure he could never out do himself, how could he with deep into all the chocolate romance and KJo . SRK gave new lease to crank callers and parents dreaded naming their girl child : K k K k iran. (Was this the start of K fantasy for KJo).

Anjaam: SRK vs MD. This was indeed a unique movie devoid of cloying romance, butterflies-in-her-eyes heroine. Madhuri was not some one's gal but what the hell SRK went for her and did not get her.

DDLJ: Simran was going to marry Kuljeet [Parmeet Sethi] no wonder heartbroken he went for Archana Puran Singh

Yes Boss: Bubbly Juhi Chawla was going for Sidharth Chaudhry [Aditya Puns-Choli]. SRK was even pataofying her for his boss but...

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: Now this time he took a long shot and took Sallu's gal yes Kajol right in the wedding ceremony and Sallu was more than happy to give her. Sallu a bird in hand is better than 2 in the bush they say. Or 'hath ko aya moonh na lagaya' as Crime Master Gogo [SuckThee Kapoor] said in Andaaz Apna Apna

DevDas [pronounced as Dev The Ass]: This was a movie where he lost the gal, went for her and then died at her doorstep. This indeed an out lier where he did not get the lady and still the movie was a hit

Chalte Chalte: In true SRK style he just walked away with Rani from Sameer [Jas Arora]. He proved he can get his gal back even when she left him post marriage

Kal Ho Na Ho: Though he himself did not take a gal away but SRK found his protégé in Saif giving him all the tricks for 'chhe din, ladki in'.

Paheli:SRK here was taking well his own girl! The ghost SRK took human SRK's gal. People who stayed alive till the end please let me know who got her?

Chak De: Well there was no other guy's girl for him but who cares he had his plate full

Om Shanti Om: Now ShantiPriya was even married to horse-on-dope-look-alike Arjun Ram-Pal [i.e. friends of uncastrated adult male sheep] but eventually got her in afterlife. Little known fact is that Sandhya [a.k.a Sandi] was my gal before she went away to Mumbai for that darned audition :( so that makes a double whammy.

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna [a.k.a. Kabhi Alvida Na Dekhna]: Love triangle? square? Forget all that try making the most complex polygon out of 4 points! Ever tried, I am sure you will get KANK. Well as with Paheli I could not finish the movie, some please let me know did SRK and Baby-AB got to swap their better halves?

I might have left few, readers are requested to add to the observation originating from my dear friend and room mate Asheesh Kumar.

Trivia: Does any one remember Yeh Lamhe Judaai Je (2004) between SRK and Raveena Tandon? Found this baffling entry in IMDB while doing 'research' for the post.

Summary:
90s saw the tectonic shift in guys n gals running away from house which was Amir Khan's forte [QSQT, Dil, Dil Hai ki Manta Nahi]. The rate drastically dropped after SRK's entry and soon it became fashionable even for straight-out-of-crib actors like Jimmy SherGill to come prancing in a wedding and take away the gal with family's consent. And stories did not end when hero and heroine fall in love / get married.

Jodha Yuckbar

2008-03-13T11:04:00.010+05:30

Now I am all ears and eyes for a historic retelling of yonder age epics if done in a good 'taste'. Mr. Gowarikar's movie paints Mr. Jalaal in modern color. That too is acceptable but to make him a caricature of liberal, democratic, peace loving, metro sexual, secular, benevolent king straight out of Nandan kids magazine stretches the point a little too far.

I would accept that too but then to go on and make a drab story written as if a school boy has to fill pages in a subjective exam where need of the hour is to give at least 12 points in answer to a six marks questions. "How Akbar met Jodha and how he deflowered her" is one line summary of this epic. You might need it in your next board exams so take notes bummer.

It is like Gobhi Manchurian served in Bangalore's eateries. The only similarity recipe has with anything remotely Chinese is a certain Gobi desert somewhere northwards. Mr. Gowarikar uses clichés to pepper this tasteless Moghlai dish:

* Husband's Health?: Go pray in front of gawd and wait for the song to end and wait for divine providence to shine through beautiful window. But wait, where are the clanging bells? And lashing rains? Sure you could have some lightning too. Atleast she could have banged her forehead at the mandir-ki-chaukhat if you could have allowed her

* Babe acting pricey?: Show some brawns with a sword to turn her on. Still no luck. Invite her for a sword fight [ahem, ahem], let things get a little sultry and ..... oh the maid interrupted (Jalaal's thought bubble: "ménage à trois? [winky] [winky] no sen-sooar board will not be able to digest this, forget it will take her some other day. bourgeoisie b*&^h"). Nothing prevails give a pro poor budget and win her back ("Hmm it is politics that turns her on").

* Mahamanga's kahaani ghar ghar ki antics never worked because she did not think aloud like saas bahu vamps. I can't recall that serial in which some lady in a throaty, husky voice would should 'Nikkaa' at appearance of vamp. Mahamanga lacked the kilos of makeup too.

* Extended end fight which seemed like Dandiya Raas. The clichés should not be tampered with. No car chases? Have some horses some camels thrown around and you get clincher of a climax.

* Death in beloved arms: Let all the parties converge at single point and all wet complaints 'geele shikwe' get resolved. "Hum tumhe samajh na paye sumermal... Bhaisaaa..., jodhaaa...". But where was the melodrama? It should have been something like this:

J: "Bhaisa aap hume yun chhod ke nahi ja sakte"
J: "Keh dijiye ki ye jhooth hai. Ek bhadda mazaak"
J: "Aap tomato sauce laga ke aye hain, kahiye na"
S: "main ja raha hoon jodha..... jalaal jodha ka dhyan rakhiyega, bade nazon se pala hai ise"
S: "Dekh behna maine ab tak teri rakhi apni kalai main baandh rakhi hai apni Timex ke saath"

(Readers are requested to play a melancholic veena at the background when reading the above dialogues)

Overall I think Yuckbar should have done following additional to what Mr. Gowarikar made him do:

* Worn red ribbon to support the cause against AIDS
* Decriminalized homosexuality
* Brought Uniform civil code
* Issued decree to punish any one caught farting in public (it causes global warming jahaan panaa)

Radio Eff 'Em

2008-03-13T09:13:00.030+05:30

People in Bang-galore esp. the code monkeys who are found in company provided vehicles to commute would relate to my rants better. What can you do sitting in a closed vehicle with fellow passengers whose social life is as dead as yours? Only topic of discussion can be speculation on infrastructure projects in Bangalore and project details of the organization that you just left behind a while ago.

Yea get alive with Radio Eff 'Em. "Radio FM [frequency] [channel name] [catch line]" is the template for their introduction together with a jingle to jangle your nerves. The shock treatment , in pavlovian manner, will make you salivate every time the RJ spouts the station name: "Radio One whatte fun" "Sakkath Haut Maga" "Station for fat-a-fat generation"

The claim purported by these agencies is that its all about music whereas music is the last thing in their minds. Now all of them have random people calling them to answer quizzes, place a song request. The most irritating ones are when these radio jockeys call people on their relatives or friends behest to pull boring hoaxes and making us privy to dazzled recipient's ignominy. Stoned happy go lucky jockeys seem to possess a cloying aura touching every one's soul through ears in a singsong manner. RJ Vasanti Hariprakash seemed an exception with some grey cells between ears instead of reverberating vacuum.

The channels do increase non-Kannada speaker's Kannada diction by a few words: Swalpa, Sakkath, Maga, Hedi (Madi is already on their tongue) but the spectrum of music that they cover is narrow like Bangalore's by lanes ("Rafi. Whooz this gruffy ruffy doode? Listen to sakkath haut suckeera!!"). Channels give endless rehash of same 'latesht' songs which listener would encounter soon in another channel. Forget oldies of yonder age when things where black n white there are many classic and even catchy number of 70s, 80s, 90s. What happened to them?

The idea for the post came when last night in my own cab I was browsing radio channels which was more like monkey testing. Thats when I accidentally visited AIR and suddenly time slowed down, noise outside seemed irrelevant and I could feel cool, moist air billowing from coolers of my old home in hot loo-ridden North Indian summers as I would tune radio at my home waiting for dinner to be served shouting at the fan of the gigantic cooler with no aim at communication. For the uninitiated there are kool acoustic effects produced if you shout near different part of the coolers. Thats what they do not teach in your engineering schools.

"Is gaane ki farmaish ki hai jabalpur se humare nanhe sathiyon ne jinka naam hai chunnu, munnu, pappu, raju, pinki aur sunita" "Geet ke bol likhe hain anjaan ne, mukhya awaaz hai kishore kumar ki aur ........." Wow it was so soothing compared to blaring private channels competing with traffic noise. And AIR plays the latesht numbers dyoode.

PS: BTW I was mulling over the tagline : "Musth maja madi" and thought what piece of unimportant junk it is. Just claiming to have fun might not be the best tag lines in the world. Then the truth hidden in vocabulary crypts dawned on me. Musth (with the mandatory hech at the end) is actually a little known English word meaning:

An annual phase of heightened sexual excitement in the males of certain large mammals (especially elephants); is associated with discharge from a gland between the eye and ear

Now did you gather it is a hidden comment on mammal discharges and not just a soulless play of word for yuppy generation and people say we lack sex education.

AurKuchh(Orkut) nahi chahiye mujhe

2008-02-15T11:00:00.000+05:30

Now communication is a basic human necessity apart from roti, kapda aur makan (and zeenat aman). Researchers say humans can handle prolonged thirst and hunger but would go mad if left with no one to share their thoughts. From smoke signals to pigeons, from teligrams to emails, from Alex Bell to Anil Ambani, communications have come a long way.

Now social networking is empowering people to reach across boundaries and share their life with others. Any internet user worth his clicks has to have an orkut account (more so if you are Portugese, Brazilian or of Indian sub continent). Owned by Google and named at its creator: Orkut Büyükkökten (Please do not try to memorize the spelling or pronounce it and worst make dirty puns of the name. Move ahead with the post) it has captured imagination of a sizable number of users (To sound informed and kool visit the wiki page).

The users range from college/school friends who meet daily and go home to scrap to an old acquaintance in your alma mater to some random guy who saw you activity in an orkut community and lo behold half of humanity wants to be friends with you especially if you are hot looking female with a profile pic as your own.

Now Orkut has got two great features. Scrapbook and Message Inbox. Like a true engineer (I have a piece of paper that says so) I would explain you communication mechanism with diagrams and professional looking ones at that.

Scrapbook: It is like the wall in front of your house where friends can park their car in whatever manner they can and whenever they can and rest of the neighborhood knows who has payed you the visit. That is fine but it also allows:

Stangers to relieve themselves of nature's call even if you put obnoxious warnings ("Yahaan peshab karna mana hai", "Dekho gadha m&$# raha hai")

Promote their business ("Ek moje pe do joote free free, bhayankar chhoot, aaj hi aye.....")

Protesters to put messages and slogans ("Dilli chalo", "XYZ ko apna mat daan karen")

Cheesy advertisements ("___ rogi mile ya likhe Dr. Ashok/Hakeem Usmani ko")

Well the last ones are found on walls near railway tracks just outside city limits. Forget the stranges here is a sample scrapbook conversation with parenthesized thoughts of the scrap writer.

Fig 1

Message Inbox: Now in an innovative streak orkut people have extended the basic tenets of 'right to speech' to 'right to shout at the top of your voice in some one's ear and then give a loud burp too'. Fig 2

The barrage of mails pouring hard at your inbox satiates all your desires for communication and even if you are naive enough to start deleting the messages one after another, clicking as furiously as you can you know it is an attempt in vain, you will end up in Sisyphus' infinite loop.

Wait I just got pinged for some hot (scathing) profile pic, ttly dude (and dudettes)

Note: In Fig 2. The un-parenthesized parts are actual messages and parenthesized one's are the readers reaction. Do share your interesting experiences with orkut

Valentino Diwas

2008-02-13T22:57:00.000+05:30

The problem with Valentino Diwas is that even if you are against it you have to profess it profusely

It is just a fad
It is a marketing pogrom
Every day is a Valentino Diwas
I do not believe in such days
It is blatant westernization

Lauv is in the air or is it pollution

To sting and not bite

2008-02-11T17:25:00.001+05:30

Now the English speaking media might deride it as kitsch but it is pure wholesome entertainment. Just like New 'Atta Maggi Rice' gives taste bhi health bhi. Go no further I am talking of common man's news cum entertainment channel 'Aaj Tak'. Now people who think they are too intellectual smirk at it being crass and carrying nothing informative and at the most gossip or flimsy stories. Complains range from the kind of language used to barrage of images and sounds thrown at audience to lower their intellect. What the critics miss is excellent product placement aimed at Indian market.

Let me elaborate. Visit a barber's shop if you are a male, a visit to shopping mall (any other chance to get a high from spending spree) if you are a lady or a nice social get together if you are either of the afore mentioned categories. A common thread amongst these would be banter. Indians have the habit of gossip and its modus operandi is different in different sections of society but it exists. There are some hidden connections between gossip, powers of brain and intolerance, unravel them here. Gossip is not only a networking mechanism but a stress buster. Is some one from the English media taking notes on this! I want this published tomorrow in your page-3 column titled 'Gossip a Stress Buster. Researchers have shown...'. a lot better than itch free pajamas and pain can alter brain.

Now that you my readers are convinced about +ve parts of gossip let us come to the +ve aspects of the new channel. Unlike DD who use unadulterated Hindi, Aaj Tak uses Hindustaniglish (Yes Hindustani = Hindi + Urdu and Hindustaniglish = Hindustani + English).

As wholesome entertainment is promised each aspect of people involved is covered. e.g. there rumor mills worked overtime on Hindi film actress Kareena Kapoor (aka Bebo) and Saif Ali Khan.

Bebo never came on screen in a bikini, but she will do some exposure in an upcoming flick
Saif is a rock star with this stint with rock band
Saif has Bebo's name tattooed on his forearm
Astrological charts gave a green signal
Saif's kid was also shown fiddling with guitar with rock star like expressions.

Now the readers have to take a note these bullets are only a summary of 1 hour program. People are treated visually with clips to show Bebo and Chhote Nawab's histrionic skills, glam-amorous photos and Hindi movie songs relevant to the issue at hand (Mera Band bajwao song in this case where the protagonist talks of bachelorhood and a woman with red scarf).

To enrich the audience with scientific breakthroughs and latest findings Aaj Tak covered how dinosaurs became extinct because of mosquitos 'ate' them. For visual aid they even made an animated dinosaur getting devoured by a bunch of mosquitoes. How we learned laughter from Monkeys was also a humbling piece of research shared by your channel. Do they show Aaj Tak in Australia? I doubt.

Interviews with movers and shakers of the world like Rakhi Sawant (Video not available), Nisha Kothari by big daddy Prabhu Chawla. His incisive questions about 'Jhumroo' in 'Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag' her mannerisms gave new light to the discussion so I recommend whole heartedly to watch that video. For other celebs check youtube.

Now as guardians of the society it is a duty of a news channel to report any funny business going on. Two executives anal-yze the situation with incisive comments and an adrenaline (Or testoterones?) rush to set the mood('A:Darshak bahut betaab ho rahe honge Bebo ke baare main jaanane ke liye. B: Haan aap to apni seat se uchhal ke baahar hi aa gaye Mr. A').

Like an artists master stroke Aaj tak stung who sting. They exposed a racket of women being used for so called sting operations and even black mail. Aaj Tak dare devils met these girls and posed as industrialists, politicians etc. who wanted to carry out sting oeprations. Now if you know about 'Six Degrees of Freedom' and a claim that world is a small place because every one is connected to rest of the world by at most six links you would not be amazed at what Aaj Tak did. They found a hidden link between these industrialists and your own starlet Babe-O
(noticed the big O ;)). After a lot many breaks they finally revealed the truth. One of the girls of foreign origin named Kareena was caught on camera and then they showed:

Exhibit A: Parde ki Kareena (who was a spy in remake of Don, if you didn't get the connection)
Exhibit B: Asal zindagi ki Kareena (the foreigner in question)

Like answer to good old 'diff' questions in Indian schools subtle difference between the two exhibits where highlighted.

But the sting couple nights back was mother of all exposés. All the hidden links between Hindi cinema and Mafiosi were unraveled. McMohan explained clockworks of financial dealings, Monica Bedi gave her choice of leading man in her biopic: Salman and Sunny.
Aditya Puns-choli talking of SRK's masculinity, Lawrence D'Souza discussing about an attack made on him in 'Satya' style and music director Anwar discussing musical predilections of 'D' and in between would break into one his own songs. Manjrekar's conspiracy theory of Sanzu Baba's conversation with Bhai. All this gave a heady feeling that Ethen Hunt, Jason Bourne, James Bond can't give let alone Da Vinci Code or Sherlock Holmes.

To ye thhe SomeAchaar Aaj Tak, chatkare (aur khatti dakare) lete rahiye kal tak

Update: As I am typing this update at my home Aaj Tak is covering Sanjay Dutt's marriage with Manyata. The channel is all gaga with happiness. Shehnai in the background, pyrotechnics overlapped over the newly weds' photo-op. In true investigative spirit no stone is left unturned:

Where should they visit for honeymoon.
It is basant panchami today, an auspicious event for nuptials hence expert comments from a pundit ji is taken
The logistic details of proceedings
Her dance skills in Gangajal's item number: "Alhad Mast Jawani"
Paste muses of Sanjay and their body of work

Some sound bytes

Saj gaye Sanju
Manyata Munna bhai ki
Kaun hai manyata? Dilwanaz ya Dilnasheen?

Memetic Mutations

2008-02-11T15:30:00.000+05:30

The young upwardly mobile junta in India has renewed old traditions especially a large class of youngsters who are:

* Graduates (or about to be)
* Can spout English
* Are Mathematically Able(If 3rd side of a triangle is 4th power of the factorial of 1st two, then How many legs does an average cow has?)
* Can Dream (Suits, Salary and Job to kill for)

If the 1st criterion is not yet resolved they are seen in dingy hostel rooms else in swanky clothes serving time in an organization which is committed to collaboratively enhance corporate opportunities to exceed customer expectations (Link).

The reader by now must have guessed it is the annual pilgrimage of MBA aspirants - The CAT yatra. Like a secret cult they have secret code words: GD, PI, Vocab, Quant, LR which people of the inner chambers know. When a member meets another one the password is "Tayyari kaisi chal rahi hai" or "Kaisa hua" replied by an encoded rant which only their ilk can decode.

"Lag gayi yaar"
"XYZ to phod raha hai"
"Uske itne aye, tere kitne aye"
"Is baar kitna solve kiya"
"Ye speed wala thha"
"Isme accuracy chahiye thhee"

Obviously how can the pilgrimage be without brief sojourns like T.I.M.E. or P.T. and numerous other coaching centers which assure the darshan. Through rigorous mediation and regular players held weekly en mass they cleanse their souls. Those who have faith and determination, the purest of the pure get moksha, nirvana, bliss and those who don't well "Baba bade dayalu hain"

ASCII Me

2007-12-28T09:25:00.000+05:30

Thanks to Amit Agarwal I got the link of a kool tool to play for a while :)
ASCGen is a Windows app to convert images into ASCII text. The good part is it is a lot hassle free and gives you few options to tinker around.

To install it on your Windows machine you will need a .Net fix for older machines, as they claim comes with it default.

Have a look at my ASCII self.

गुगली गणित की

2007-12-20T09:19:00.000+05:30

a: Research has shown that drinking beer can be good for health by improving digestion, hydrations and couple of other 'tions'. [Accompanied with link to a really low quality, run of the mill article by a popular web portal]

b: Yeah right! It suggests test was done on 25 students they didn't even bother to go beyond their department I guess. Aam ke aam aur guthliyon ke daam! Aye boyz lets haav sum beaah and run for the gawd damn sayks, gotta shauw sum vital staatistix. I would say the perfect work life balance

b: A cutting (no bleeding, slashing and decapitating) research has shown that birthdays are good for longevity! The more you have the longer you live

a: Yeah wacko, another research shows 2 comes after one in series of natural numbers.

This lead me to a diversion towards a geek book I had read titled 'Godel, Escher, Bach' by Douglas Hofstader. In it there is a part where he explains what those mathematicians lost in formal theory do when they are not performing compulsory chores of life.

Some guy named Peano (not it is not a misspelled Piano) did some break through work in this field. These blokes do some really ass kicking work using a snazzy sounding words like axiom, premise, intrinsic property. To deconstruct the crap this guy laid the foundation by propounding few axioms like:

0 is a natural number.
For every natural number n, S(n) is a natural number.
S is successor function so S(0) = 1 and 2 = S(S(0))

Now this might sound like a hyped Hindi Cinema flick gone dud like 'Roop ki Rani Choron ka Raja', 'Asoka' or recent 'Aja Nachle'. Talking of fundu mathematics and then saying 2 follows 1. Even my housemaid with limited knowledge of mathematics knows 2 comes after 1. And what is this business about S? Filling up your pages of thesis by larger font, line height and paragraph setting is different but ssseriously duude flooding it up with S is a lot to grasp. Sounds more like a precursor to Kta Kapoor or kRkakkekskhk kRkokskhkaknk.

Well it seems Peano's work was used by Godel to derail Hilbert's Program. The guy like a Bond movie's megalomaniacs wanted the mathematical world to be conquered [Not Safe for Work because you might go mad till you hit the full stop or bang your boss's head]. Like Sauron in Lotar (LoTR) wanted one ring to rule 'em all. Hilbert's grand scheme was to give some mathematical system which can prove all other mathematical systems (like boolean arithmetic, vector algebra etc etc all those things you hated in school/college). So our Bond like Mr. Godel gave Hilbert's medicine back to him by proving his shit can't prove his own shit (:-0, don't ask me further about this else i shall puke a lot of S's and greek symbols on you). Mathematicians cohabit their own little crazy world throwing conjectures, hypothesis, axioms and what not.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSShhhhhh.... koi hai!

Physics and the Right hand

2007-12-13T11:27:00.000+05:30

Now this is the stuff that would make even Einstein wonder in his grave. His anecdotal genius in his classroom days and Ramanujan's 0 boys with 0 bananas doubt would pale in front of this line of thinking. A genius by the name Mr. M (people from JK, Kanpur esp my colleagues from league of Science with Economics in 11-12 std would know whom I am talking of) had answered simple looking Physics definition question 'What is flux, give its formula?' by something akin to:

ρ = Q /ε

where all the above symbols except the common = and / meant some soopar arcane stuff in Physics. The above formula was not something found in textbooks. So based on a simplistic text search in an NCERT book the teacher, a simpleton, straitjacketed lady, gave a naught to our protagonist. The nearest search result she could get was a formula by some chump named Gauss. (apparently it had another of those strange symbols Φ in it instead of ρ, it all sounds unintelligent greek to me anyways, How does it matter phi or roe? )

With humility and politeness, traits of a true genius, M walked towards the dreaded teacher's table. On a polite inquiry about the zero tagged to his profound answer, madam told him about about the correct symbol to be used and the 'convention' to associate certain symbols with certain parameters in physics.

Right at that moment our iconoclastic Mr. M gave a beautiful reply in his characteristic mumble:

Madam right hand side to theek hai na

(Madam, at least the right hand side is correct)

The poor lady had an expression of a deer caught in headlight, not knowing how to react she slapped our hero in front of the whole class. (I dont remember she used the 'right' hand or the left one for pseudo poetic justice). I could get a glimpse of great Galileo arguing against the mighty dogmatic church. His ignorant colleagues could not appreciate the mettle of his supreme logic. Rest of his colleagues where an ignorant bunch. All he got was some giggles from the girls and guffaws from brats. Man we have no place for people who dare to challenge the convention.

Alas! I think this is why we have such a dismal performance and blatant plagiarism (and this) due to utter desperation and lack of original ideas.

babri masjid kaand

2007-12-06T12:09:00.000+05:30

आज इस बात को १५ साल हो गए हैं. क्यूंकि ये मुद्दा लोगों के जेहन मैं फीका पड़ चूका है इसलिए हमारे नेता ( जो दरअसल प्रेता हैं ) कुछ नही कह रहे हैं सिवाय लोकतंत्र का चक्का जाम करने के। ये टोकरी मैं पड़े उन केक्डों कि तरह हैं जो न तो खुद बाहर निकालेंगे न ही किसी और को निकलने देंगे ।

उस समय जब ये बवाल हुआ था मैं काफी छोटा था । हालांकि गुजरात के दंगों के बारे मैं कहा जाता है कि टी वी पर समाचार द्वारा व्यर्थ मैं प्रचार हुआ पर मुझे अछे से याद है इस काण्ड मैं मस्जिद के ढहाने की विडियो कैसेट हर घर में देखे गए थे । इन तस्वीरों मैं से एक तस्वीर मेरे जेहन मैं घर कर गयी, वो ठी दिखने मैं कमज़ोर एक बुजुर्ग आदमी कि जो भीड़ से कहीं आगे आकर पुलिस कि लाठी चार्ज के सामने सीना ताने दौड़ने लगा और पास मैं पड़ा एक बड़ा सा ईट उठा के फेंका । उसके चेहरे मैं एक गज़ब का आक्रोश और पीड़ा नज़र आ रही थी । धर्म के नाम पर आदमी क्या नही कर सकता ये मैंने उस आदमी कि आँखों मैं देखा था ।

हमारी कानून व्यवस्था और पुलिस कि जांच प्रणाली के बारे मैं क्या कहा जा सकता है जब १२ साले बाद आरोपी को न्यायालय मैं लाया जाता है और १५ साल बाद एक साक्षी मिलता है ! जब कुछ ऐसा पड़ता या सुनता हूँ तो फ्रान्ज़ काफ्का कि लिखी ये कहानी 'before the law' याद आती है। आशा करता हूँ इस जन्म में इस मुक़दमे का नतीजा देख सकूं ।

Aaja Nachle or Dirty dancing

2007-12-05T14:28:00.000+05:30

Every one knows the story. Some quarters of society had objections over some words in lyrics related to cobbler and goldsmith. BMW (Bahan MayaWati) slapped a ban later to be revoked and some people accusing Mayawati for double standards (Aren't two better than one?)

An interesting part is how the Media analyzes an event and goes meta:
- Film gets banned
- Freedom of Speech
- Finer nuances of traditional professions and caste system in India

then in a separate thread:

- Madhuri's comeback (With oft repeated line: She never went away)
- Madhuri not fit for a comeback
- Theories for comebacks with data samples of Rekha, Kajol, Juhi etc.
- Controversy used to boost box office sale of the movie
- Controversy couldn't boost box office sale of the movie
- Theories of controversies increasing sales

With arguments, facts and theories buzzing around our head like a swarm of deadly bees, we missed a small point. Every day since past week I have listened to the song on Radio and not even a single byte from its lyrics are clipped. If representatives of people are so careful of popular sentiments then they should know a little bit of maths. Number of people listening to the words via Radio has to be much higher than cinema audience then why ban only on screening!

PS: A classic case of the meta nature of media is when media cribs about media!

Devnagri

2007-12-05T10:37:00.000+05:30

देवनागरी लिपि पड़े हुए हमे अरसा हो गया । अब जबकि ब्लॉगर ने अपने एडिटर मैं यह सुविधा उपलब्ध कि है कि आप रोमन अक्षरों मैं हिन्दी शब्द लिखें और वह देवनागरी लिपि मैं प्रतिवार्तित हो जायेंगे तो बड़ा अच्छा लगा .किन्तु खेद सिर्फ इस बात का है कि हमारा प्रिय ब्राउज़र फायरफौक्स यह लिपि ठीक से प्रस्तुत नही कर पता। अतः हमे माइक्रोसोफ्ट के इंटरनेट एक्सप्लोरर का उपयोग करना पड़ता है :(

बाक़ी सब तो ठीक है किन्तु हिन्दी की दो मात्राएँ : बड़ी ई छोटी इ जब किसी व्यंजन के साथ मिलती हैं तो गड़बड़ हो जाती है। थोड़ा गूगल करने पर पता चला कि यह बाधा इसलिए आती है क्योंकि ये मात्रा जिस व्यंजन से जुड़ती हैं उसके बाहिने ऑर रखना पड़ता है अर्थात यदि आपको मंदिर लिखना हो तो रोमन लिपि मैं आप : m a n d i r लिखते हैं किन्तु हिन्दी मैं इ कि मात्रा द के पहले आती है। इस का ध्यान माइक्रोसोफ्ट ने तो रख लिया किन्तु हमारा प्रिय ब्राउज़र मात खा गया :(। यदि कोई भला मानुष (या मानुषी) इसका उपाय जानता है तो हमे ज़रूर बताए

हिन्दी लिपि के वैसे तो अनेक फॉण्ट आते हैं पर यदि ये UTF format मैं लिखी जाये तो फॉण्ट फ़ाइल इंस्टाल करने की कोई ज़रूरत नही है।

(If the text is not comprehensible at all: in your browser window click View --> Character Encoding --> UTF 8)

Rakhi Savant and the League of Extraordinary Laydeej (to be read as Lay These)

2007-11-27T16:43:00.000+05:30

In the societal sub consciousness (I lauv these heavy words) of Hindi Cinema (not Bollywood as I consider it denigrating epithet) many a leading ladies have left ever lasting impressions, those "sunehre parde ke chamakte sitare" and "lakhon ke dilon ki dhadkans". Like a neat NCERT history book the eons of Hindi cinema are divided amongst divas: Sridevi, Madhuri, Hema and other beautiful etceteras. Those were the days when a mangal sootra was a full stop in actress' reel life and one had to be politically correct in media. Some of the laydeej stood out without getting trapped in heroine-vamp cleave all the while exploring the twilight zone of amorality in principle and practice.

My attempt is to shift the limelight towards the not-so-politically-correct and in your face laydeej. Scandals, statements, hookups and sleaze are what they are associated with by popular perception and now so ubiquitous media. I won't backtrack too much down the memory lane. Few such laydeej come to my mind right now. Mamta Kulkarni, Pooja Bhatt, Mallika Sherawat and last but not least Rakhi Savant who gave her iconic statement at KJo's: "Jo bhagwaan nahi de sakta wo doctor deta hai". Surely there have been laydeej before this who had sizzled the screen with a lot of oomph (and aahs and ouches also) but to my mind these come to the fore.

Mamta Kulkarni started it all by kicking some [NSFW*] dirt in star dust [NSFW] cover. She drew the naree kalyan samaaj wommans towards entertainment industry. Antics off the stage were aplenty. Allegedly (not by vishwaniya sutr but allegedly) she was swimming in two piece bikini in a hotel's pool. When informed by manager that only single piece attires where allowed the laydee came up with an innovative solution. Which one of them should I take off Mr. Manager! (flutter flutter, wink wink). I miss this laydee for the entire hullabaloo she could raked up at the drop of a hat or other pieces of clothing. Be it 'zeher hai ki pyar hai tera chumma' with Akshay jhatka Kumar or checking her anatomy in mirror (Karan Arjun, remember Rakhi crying hoarse - 'Mere bete ayenge' in an infinite loop) she was considered archetype of debauchery in popular media. In a private function of Bihar legislators allegedly (again) the hosts played cards on her body laid on table (which game was it babua? Poke her?). Confrontation with Raj Kumar Santoshi in China Town was the last I heard of her before she went in oblivion. Incidentally the item song in the movie picturised on Urmila was used in Moulin Rogue! Any comments on her latest whereabouts would be deeply appreciated (Koi Jaye to Le Aye Meri Lakh Duayen Paye ...).

Pooja Bhatt had it all, looks to kill and cheap thrills plus a big daddy for home made videos (err movies). She made libertine out of women liberation. Her [NSFW] lip lock with daddy was not taken in the right taste by the righteous junta. No one could appreciate her penchant for . Somewhere she went out of all the attention to resurface for directorial debut in an erotica aptly named Jism. Though she was much derided for her 'bold' image she was never an outcast or denigrated like Mallika or Rakhi. The image of a wild child was brilliantly portrayed until Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility took over. The other Pooza, Bedi Bebi that is had her fair share of eyeballs with Kamasutra's nirodh condom. Who can forget the bubble gum popping femme fatale as Amir Khan's juvenile fantasy in Jo Jeeta Wahi Sikandar.

The void created by their departure seemed to be partially filled by few babes who fizzled out, became leading ladies or the cliched sex symbols. They could not manage the art of shock and awe. After Rangeela, all that we had of Urmila kapde-mat-od-kar were nervous twitches and horrendous facial contortions in intense scenes. Bipasha with her husky voice and dusky complexion took up the cause of fairer but not so fair sex. Her non committal statements with John and Dino Morea (is he the evolutionary march of Dino saurs? He too shall get eliminated in natural selection) has become common place and has found no takers. Caress-Mah Kapoor made tectonic shift from frilly skirts to minis. Her innings with Chhi-Chhi was shortlived.but she took her bow at the pinnacle of her career not before becoming too arty, farty. Malaikha Arora Khan with her lustrous thighs seems she invented the idea of item girls. Limiting her appearance she is smug with her hubby. Surely there were controversies, hookups, cat fights, breakups but they where all rumors by some arbit birdie twittering in tinsel town. No one endorsed the birdie so it became extinct.

Not until dare devil laydee from tau's Haryana - Mallika Sherawat came to foray with a bang, seventeen kisses and call-spade-a-spade attitude (Khwahish, I went to watch that despite being down with fever, pop goes the pill) and enough of sound bytes for every one to gorge. She took the horny bull of audience by the horns. No doubt news channels should give her some token of appreciation for all the business she generated. I distinctively remember Star News (which has become schizophrenic after NDTV left them) was showing arrival of a mysterious burqa clad woman amongst a bunch of stars in Mumbai airport. And the sheer brilliance of the correspondent who solved unveiled the secret. It was Mallika Sherawat, Voila! All of this on prime time slot amongst stories of cricket, terrorism, Soniye and Manmoniye.

Studio Pravakta: Kya kaaran thaa jo unko burqa pehen ke ana pada, jaisa ki aap humari footage main dekh sakte hain ki mallika ko ruphale parde pe anga pradarshan karne se koi parhej nahi hai phir wo kya waja thee jiske kaaran unko aisa kadam uthana pada.
(Screen shows umpteen shots of her in itsy bitsy teeny weeny clothes repeated ad nauseam). Aaj humare saath studio main Satpaal ji maujood hain.
Satpaal ji kya maanana hai apka
Iske peechee kiska haath ho sakta hai.

Satpal (A studio rat whose only exposure to sun is by gawking at weather forecast lady): Jee footage main to nazar nahi aa raha hai
par meri tammana to yahee hai ki inke peechhe mera haath hota!

Studio Pravakta: Errr, umm, uh uh uh.
Aap mallika ji ka ye gana dekhiye, milte hain break ke us paar.

Her detractors created much of slander against her. Having a degree in philosophy and being air hostess would have added much to her age they say. My dear friends I say you might have misled yourself. It would have been phallus-sophy or knowledge of the phallus! How hard is it to learn it for this amazon womman. After a lot of myth and mirth the queen bee seems to be letting her hair down for a while. There were some rumors about

And then there was Rakhi Savant. From court cases of indecency to stereotypical jokes by K-Jo’s pretentious fairy friends she had it all until she made the debut. People say she is not intelligent even when she has dual core silicone processors custom made for her (Did she get rid of it? What gigahertz was it running on?). Daring to speak her mind and raring to displaying her body of work (or work of body) she epitomizes chutzpah. The politically correct, convent bred brats and babes get flustered by her persona. Starting with item numbers she became a brand and industry. Mika (who claims Himass baba swept the nasal twang from under his nose) had a taste of limelight and an album all because of this laydee. Sony’s Bigg Boss had a blast because her jo-mere-man-main-hai-wahi-mere-moonh-main-hai attitude. Not to talk of dumb witted Great Indian Laughter Challenge contestants who have a human touch to canned laughter named Siddhu.

GuruUuUuU, billi sher ki mausi hai
Lucknow ke paas amausi hai

Har kaali peeli cheez taxi nahi hoti
Har item girl Rakhi si saxy nahi hoti!

(Please either read this really aloud or increase decibel level of your inner voice while silently reading this to get full effect)

*NSFW = Not Safe For Work

Coup Mandook

2007-11-15T09:13:00.000+05:30

Parvez the Prez has spoken after Amrikka's Negroponte came knock knock knocking on Mushy's door (errrr where is the Rice cooking?). His plan to take his style statement from Multan to Milano is quashed. (them angrez perverts want me to take off my uniform, such kinky rascals! ok ok just this one time, can we make it fast). So people are again chained to seats. Will Mushy babe solve the su do coup?

Mushy gave an apt gift on the eve of Children's day. (Come on kiddoze an educational trip to jail for you. Who wants the third degree?) And the good sportsman he is, the hide and seek between him and Imran Khan ended in a Gotcha moment a lot of home videos made by the cricket stal-wart (surprisingly there was no ads of Chintoo Candy prevalent in pirated movie CDs from Karachi).

We have to see whether the mandook(frog) can come out of his koop(well) that he has created for himself. He is giving typical signs of a despot-in-decline by identifying himself with the country and vice versa. Purrvez's relation with Uncle Shyam (Got this phrase from Hari) are getting more obvious, not that we didn't know. Musharraf is giving a nifty potboiler with a lot of emotions and action packed drame with babe (Bhutto), stud (Imran) and buffoon (Shareef). Ek anar, chaar bimaar.

Probably he can come to India to make a movie with Mahesh Butt with some random chick and a pseudo random hunk (read Emran Hashmi not to be confused with Hasmi dawakhana) on an inspired plot 'ek fool teen mali'. A love quadrangle starring Bhutto, Shareef, Imran and Musharraf, but at the end it would be Suuny Paa-ji who would solve the problem by a hand pump.

Kya hota hai jaanane ke liye aaj hi jaye apne paas ke CDwallah ke paas

Su do - Coup

2007-11-06T08:57:00.000+05:30

Now that mush has gone mushy mushy with his little toy land we have to know what does Bushy think! Instead it was Condolezza Rice who gave a neutral and aloof answer to the whole drama. (Some one joked that Rice would turn to a big Dosa in her grave due to fermentation)

Some people had an cynical smirk (errr dude wasn't Mush doing that stuff already? What did he do now?). It made me realize 8 [/9] years ago I was sitting in a barber's shop going to grab the Filmfare (whatever glitzy film mag he kept, I love these barber visits because all of them keep one such mag and it pisses me off to wait without them they are kind of equivalent of free peanuts in American flights) that some obscure General in a bollywoodesque thriller has grabbed the toy land from Nawaz not-so-Shareef. I thought kool man, some serious ass kicking going on (I am still wondering no one takes this as a movie script idea). It also made me realize just like Hindi cinema potboilers this stuff is going on and on. Audience is bored of item numbers , revenge story and dhishum-dhishum fight scenes. Even the frequent trips to the loo are not helping yet the movie promises to have a great climax so they are clinging on to the tickets.

As the puntastic title of the blog suggests managing army, jihadis, Bush, judiciary, pet, political opponents and at last the public is like a su do ku problem. All the numbers have to be placed at the right place under constraints. If at the start you place a number at random out of free will or folly it becomes hard to backtrack later when you know you did a mistake (Mushy: Yikes what will Bushy think of me, and these unkempt pyjama-chhaps don't know anything about style statements, they dont have any dressing sense, I should be strutting my stuff in Lycra Style awards) Will Mushy babe solve the su do coup? Will he make it to Time Su Do Coup challenge or will he follow his elder dictators? For now "milte hain is break ke us paar"

Koffee with Kafka

2007-11-03T09:11:00.000+05:30

In a Kafkaesque moment for Lakshmana the innocent techie was put under bars for defaming Shivaji. 'Shivaji who?' was the question he asked and pat came the reply 'Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj you bozo!'. ('I never met him! What is his email id? Is he available on orkut?'. 'Orkut ya thats what those chircut's said, you are under arrest').

The policewallahs tracked the ipaddress to his home tipped off by Lakshmana's Internet Service Provider (ISP) of defamation in orkut community. I can imagine these state sponsored goons come into action when political masters say 'shoo, get fetch him boy, aaaaah good boy' or 'go nab someone for me instead of a fetching newspaper today' Reading through the article at his point I thought they might be trying to find street address, pincode and all in the ipaddress let alone the cryptic 'crosses' and 'mains' popular in Namma-Bengaluroo so might have landed at the wrong place.

The gruesome ordeal Lakshmana K. had to go through was shrugged off by these cyber-illiterate cops through an irritating, irresponsible, condemnable comment: "We made a mistake, so what" that too coming from a senior police officer. Meaning "We had just put some guy behind bars for 50 days, look we played fair, it was just a random thing it would have been your next door neighbour or even you, you see. It is our duty to put people behind bars, there are so many of them, it is good to keep the cells engaged you know. A little bit of jail boosts your moral and our appraisal too"

Halfway through I made uncanny resemblance of Mr. Lakshmana K's plight to that of Joseph K protagonist of Franz Kafka's dark story 'The Trial'

Though we are becoming cyber-aware but the people sitting high a top don't know a thing about computers, probably checking emails thats it. It is this same ignorance and a systemic stupidity we had a blanket ban on all blogs throughout the country! ('Its for those IT kids to know, to do computers, God knows what do they do sitting in front of monitors, in our good old days the typewrite was enough')

The interesting part to look for is will the ISP concerned give a verbal/written apology in person or public or provide some compensation ('Probably an offer/scheme! Pay some insane amount of money and we won't tell them what and whom you did last summer') or just another automated kasht-mar care reply ('welcome to rambharose ISP service, press 1 to get behind bars, press 2 to contact your friendly neighborhood cop,')?

He knew it

2007-10-19T11:00:00.000+05:30

He knew it, the hunch , the gut feeling (ewww not the bowel movement). All the things he heard near vending machine. Logs, messages and all the jargon spouted over by the rookie sysadmins over a cup of hot coffee spouted by the machines as intelligent as them (talk of natural stupidity not artificial
intelligence).

Straining at the terminal pieces of code presented themselves to him in indented glory. The sudden glow and warmth ran across his body like a spotlight. He could visualize invisible vision of unseen orb in silence and the voyeur behind it. "It is for your own safety!" "Yes big brother as you say"

"Did I just pick my nose" "Sorry Big Brother" "Think hard.... concentrate .... close that Gmail window, firefox icon can be recognized from miles" "Oh come on, keep a window of source code open .... at least the one with tons of ugly text" "Yes kool, fingers near Alt-TAB ..... switch the windows as soon as the undead comes, swallow that you.....".

He tried hard to put a Murphy blind over himself. "Don't peer over the cubicle there are a bunch of semi androids there also ...". The stifling humidity as if it is void that you are sucking in as air, still even though it is void it scratches the walls of trachea the tongue just feels a dull sensation". "He could feel some one breathing down his neck, the stench, the hot humid masala laden air giving blows of disgust in him"

And

Burrrrrrrrrrp

Arrrrghhhhh
EWWWWWWWWWW

"Grosss, that was hell lot of sambhar for a breakfast MAN, get a life and go back
to your monitor"

Medi-sin

2007-10-15T09:40:00.000+05:30

"Our studies have shown drinking tea reduces the chances of heart diseases by 11.3%"

"A recent research has shown results that drinking tea with a lesser amount of milk leads to 16.8% chances of damage to the liver"

"Research has shown that people with pets have more chances of living longer"

Such obscure and confusing research where there is no mention of samples, methodology, reports etc leave readers in a quandary. Imagine people like me who are so weak in probability [The probability of a probability coming out more than 1 was quite high in my case].

Things get messier when statistics move from food to lifestyle. The results are not conclusive, often misleading and do not declare that they have been recommended by a professional doctor/practitioner. Increasingly the print media is moving towards such aimless pseudo-scientific banter ranging from health to even dating and etc. Giving tips on housekeeping and recipes was great but to giving an opinion regardless of the person whom it is intended for, her/his situation etc. is according to me unethical

My research has shown that having more birthdays is good for you, the more you have the longer you live!

Lyrix

2007-09-25T14:32:00.000+05:30

Now this was outrageously cheesy, campy and tending towards kitsch. People must have seen the latest promos of Farah Khan's film Om Shanti Om, her ode to bygone cinema era. I really can't believe Javed Akhtar has written these lines for the song - Dard-e-Disco.

Now what is that supposed to mean. SRK worked out so much for his abs and puny torso that he broke a bone or two while disco-ing? The initial lines are the stuff usual words and constructs Hindi cinema lyrics (not Bollywood it is a denegrating word) are made of. And there are some good Urdu words thrown in. The hackneyed lines make me remember the brilliantly humorous movie Chashme-Buddoor (starring suave Farukh Sheikh, girl next door - Deepti Naval and a host of other likable characters). It had a great take on the typical song and dance routine in Hindi cinema. The song went like: Chham chham Payal, kaise ho paagal and all the inane stuff that rhymes.

Coming back to Om Shanti Om. The song took me by surprise after listening to lyrics the recent dud movie - Cash where a despo Shilpa Shetty look alike (errr or is she her sis) cries out for her MindBlowing Mahia! (Aaj Tak watchers was there any hidden connection between her and Mahendra Mahia Singh Dhoni?). She did a hell of Job to Blow [Blowing Minds you dirty minds!]

I never expected this from Javed Akhtar. Probably it was some else who screwed and made the singers sing it, probably it was some underworld don who made them do it instead of extortion to get pure kicks out of the whole meaninglessness of it.

Or does he suffer from multiple lyricist disorder! He has a Sameer residing in him! Or just like Aks (Amitabh Bachchan, Manoj Bajpai, Nandita Das) Sameer enters his body and makes him write these lines to vamoose into thin air leaving even him agape.

AI vs AP

2007-09-23T12:23:00.000+05:30

Well the much hailed fruits of Artificial Intelligence are not bearing for the market I think looking at Artificial Personality can be a good option. Prof. Alan Turing gave Turing Test as a benchmark of AI where a human judge has to converse with a human and a machine through a natural language. The machine passes the test if the judge is not able to conclusively say it is a machine with which (s)he was conversing. Quite a subjective parameter but gives a complete picture.

Further developments lead to much hailed poster boy of AI: Expert systems. After this came less 'glamorous' (readd stuff from which sci-fi is made of) more nerdy interpretations and implementations but the core remains the same. There is something such as 'intellectual' tasks that a human can do and we should strive towards making machines do it. So there is a notion of a problem or a question and its resolution.

Where as if we go back to Mr. Turing and see his test in a different light essentially he is talking of creating an Artificial Personality. Surely the judge can test the person on the other side by giving 'intellectual' task/problem/question but overall if you want to see it is a case of personality that we are looking at and not 'intelligence' per se.

BTW this article triggered the dormant thought in me

Wax and Vain

2007-08-18T23:08:00.000+05:30

LOL is the word

Aishwarya Rai, the much touted queen bee of Hindi Cinema, the crossover dream of India and latest addendum to Bachchan parivar had her wax doll displayed at Tussads, New York

Is the wax model an exact replica of the lady? I think it is the other way round! The lady with frigid expressions is an abberated replica of the doll! Aberrated because she can flutter her eyelid. Somehow the virtual overwhelms the real. Case of simulacrum turned on itself! A reflexive hyperreality?

I still believe it might have been a hoax, she might have stood there herself and people would have believed it ;)

Freshhhhh

2007-08-16T22:59:00.000+05:30

Let's look at some of the mint ads which force you to think out of the box or make you wonder where's the box itself!

Mentos: Supposedly eating Mentos brightens your otherwise dark corners of brain and you become uber genius by saving your grace from sqeaky footwear squeaky footwear in a classical music concert (in SSS, no it is not gathering of withered old Nazi SchutzStaffel, Herr Hitler is in peace with himself, it is Surbahar Sangeet Sammelan)

Or it can be about fooling your prof (who is anyways teaching law of addition i.e. it is associative). In short it takes you to newer forms of intelligence, a heightened sense of being. Elevating you from your aam zindagi to a new kewl mentos zindagi.

Chlormint: The first ad with the paanwallah showed Indians are deeply involved in philosophy. So much so that revelation and the mysteries shrowed in heavy tomes can be revealed on a nukkad. The existential dillema's of western trained mind of rationales, reasones and cause and effect analysis are eliminated by quasi-Zen like unquestioning the question. The whole question of 'Hum Chlormint kyun khaate hain' is answered by a paanwallah.

On the other front the still-in-60s Pappi gets to know dimensions of other kinds while musing over kissing habits of SouthAmerican fresh fishes (yes Saiyyan more Guppy, dete nahi pappi). The latest one is about the eternal and timelessness of the world and specifically of chlormint. It is so subtly put by a paying homage to the India's best sport (no not procreation doode but kabaddi)

Orbit White: Orbit has consistently used gaay mata (holy cow!) as its symbol the great animal specialist with English deeply rooted (and routed) in India. Dr. Dhurandar Bhatawadekar shows the sheer power of Orbit.

Doc in a subtle and sublime manner teaches us that after all man is a social animal. A brilliant mix of entertainment, education and advertisement - enterducads!! Coincidently Utpal Dutt played the role of ace detective Dhurandar Bhatawadekar in Hindi Move Rang Birangi (1983). The ad captures way globalization will make a new Indi-English where Orbit is needed by all bachelor-men and bachelor-women. The ad always ends up with Mr. Butt-of-a-wader giving a Eureka moment. Its working!

Minto-Fresh: Now this is the ultimate social leveller. The ad creates a unique blend from Laila-Majnu tragedy (albeit this is not), rural amorous aspirations and the forward looking lad from mera gaon mera desh. The message is not hidden behind incoherent syllogism but a simple message: 'Laila ko jab karna thha impress majnu ne khayi minto fresh, bole to ekdum fresh'. The end shows reversal of the fairytale of Frog Prince with the villain turning back to his frog-dom. But there are literalist people who can't read between the frames

Polo: For the diehard mint fans for whom life is what happens between fag, Polo is the still the Dalda of Ghee! Offlate it has bear the brunt of punk ads but the image of old man dancing away to young tunes (unfortunately I am unable get the video/image of the really old ad) still lingers in my otherwise cluttered mind. The tagline still holds strong: 'Mint with a whole' which has sustained many reactionary ads and tomfoolery. The latest one shows a granny finding 'kiss ka hint' from Polo power mint.

A Ketchup of Kitsch

2007-08-13T19:57:00.000+05:30

Hindi Cinema or should I say Bollywood has further crystallized the already stark abyss between the so called class, mass and kitsch!

I used to relish Zee Cinema and (late entrant) Star Gold for movies like Zakhmi Aurat, Red Rose and a host of other movies which could not get the recognition from masses (and the sneering critics sitting smugly atop the ivory tower).

The lost gems and voice of hundreds of hungry (and whistling) junta a race loosing out to multiplexed, perplexed crowd (seriously its been a while since I have gone in a multiplex).

The last hope for kitsch is also dying, have a look at Star Gold's movie schedule for today (13th Aug)

02:25 V Trailers - Star Gold
02:30 Jawani Diwani
04:35 Main Meri Patni Aur Woh
08:10 V Trailers - Star Gold
08:15 TELE VIEW MALL
08:30 Jhankar Beats
09:00 23rd March 1931 Shaheed
13:30 Khakee
17:00 Sarfarosh
20:30 Swades.... We The People

String of characters - 2

2007-08-07T03:00:00.000+05:30

Now this post is awesome: Passion for Cinema
[Note it is in Hindi]

Actually I found Tej Sapru an interesting character actor and my mom had told me that he is a veteran actor named Sapru's son. So after writing String of characters I was trying to do some manual web mining (how bout making Amitabh the new generation web miner in High tech Kala Pathhar?!?, no no please no brickbats for this crass semi-tech PJ even I couldnt digest it so barfed it out) and got hold of the link - awesome piece of work, just need to touch up the language a little bit.

quarklore's take on work

2007-08-07T01:39:00.000+05:30

काम का काम है हो जाना
और हमारा काम है चादर तान के सो जाना

Jagjit Singh and Ghulam Ali

2007-08-07T00:58:00.000+05:30

Well the concert did take place, but the overall experience was a tad disappointing the last solo from Jagjit Singh at Ambedkar Bhavan, Bangalore. There was something missing with the whole arrangement. A ghazal concert where sound and proper acoustic setup is utmost importance the organizers missed the whole point.

To start off there was a lot of problem Jagjit Singh had to face because of audio and repeated howling because of feedback. He had to point that time and again. He also seemed to be in a hurry to finish it off. Personally I prefer still the old school ways of harmonium, tabla to accompany a crooning voice rather than violin, keyboard and flute. Somewhere the sounds didn't blend to create magic.

Ustad Ghulam Ali was a pleasant surprise, all the while he seemed so enthusiastic and cheerful even amongst his instrumentalists. Jokes and अठखेलियां where a plenty as was some serious facts about ghazal, nazm, raag in a light manner to inform audience. His attitude was great that people should not only hear the stuff but also understand it well and get to know a little bit of nuances also

One thing that I liked about Ustad Ghulam Ali was he could not stand improper behaviour from the audience be it howling, whistling or clapping in between shers and he handled the audience in firm yet polite manner with a touch of class. All the while it seemed he has taken us to a ride in the world of ghazals where we are sailing in a vast ocean of emotions with him enjoying the twists and turns with the audience. An extremely humble and yet humorous person.

The overall setup was not that good an experience but it was great listening to the great Ustad whom I had till now met only through digitally embossed circular disks

Amul Macho

2007-08-06T11:38:00.000+05:30

Somehow I like the word Macho. Not because of the obvious allusions towards a popular North Indian expletives but the way it is pronounced, the way your lips move to produce that sound. Anyways this is not about psycho-sexo-lingual aspects of English words but the Amul Macho - Toying ad. I have a special affinity towards the ad not because of the sexual connotations but use of the word 'toying' and how I got to know the difference between toy and toying,

The ban has added a feeble thread to debate of censor vs. sensual (errr) censor vs. freedom of speech. Well it is really hard to decide who should decide what people ought to see? Cultural chauvinists and conservatives will bay the blood of maadarn (modern), fair lasses (or was it laissez-faire?) and west-apers

And the moderners would heap invectives over desis, bhaiyyas and behenji's about freedom of speech

What about us, innocent people who just want to build over our Engliss vocabulary?

Media

2007-08-06T11:24:00.000+05:30

Well yes blame it on media and hype.

me·di·a

1.	a pl. of medium.

2.	(usually used with a plural verb) the means of communication, as radio and television, newspapers, and magazines, that reach or influence people widely: The media are covering the speech tonight.

–adjective

3.	pertaining to or concerned with such means: a job in media research.

(taken from dictionary.com)

Well nowadays media has gone super-meta. Media bashing is done in media itself. Talkshows, debates etc all heap invectives on media and how we are going the western paparazzi ways.

Well coming to the point it is related to our dear and old Sanzu baba - the apple of sore Indian movie watcher's eyes. Few days back surfing through TV I watched Times Now for few seconds. They where juxtaposing Mr. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi with Mr. Sanjay Dutt (vald Sunil Dutt) on topics of Gandhigiri and getting jailed in the same Yerawada Jail, Pune. Everything under the broken sun was discussed his new tax free payroll of INR 7 per day to his career plan of promotion to INR 9 (errr or was it higher?!). It was only a minute after that that a second news item started bashing media over going gag over Mr. Dutt and ignoring fate of an innocent child being held in prison because his dad is incarcerated and the maternal grandparents are willing to accept it!

gold and glitter

2007-07-25T15:04:00.000+05:30

All That is Gold Does Not Glitter but who would want to wear it?

2007-07-08T13:11:00.000+05:30

Is there an anthropological study of codo-sapiens? Or at least psycho-social study of the large swath of techno coolies?

Quines

2007-06-22T15:21:00.000+05:30

Quines are really intriguing things. In computer programming it means a program that print itself, reading its source file and printing is a trivial thing. Do try the exercise it is a fun thing to do.

Quines are named after "Willard Van Orman Quine" an American Mathematician and Philosopher. He gave Quine's Paradox. The paradox means that a statement can be paradoxical without having reference (e.g. This sentence is false ) or Demonstratives e.g.

The statement to below is true
The statement to above is false

The basic funda is to take a phrase, put it in quotation and append it after quotation and the resultant sentence should be grammatically correct. i.e. make a sentence like "X"X
e.g. take a phrase 'has three words' so our sentence would be:

"has three words" has three words

“yields falsehood when preceded by its quotation” yields falsehood when preceded by its quotation
(This one was from Mr. Quine)

Not all of them will be paradoxical but they are interesting enough to mull over

is some fixed point theorem which states that in any sufficiently powerful language (programming or natural language) it is possible to construct Quines.

Here are some more for fun:

"is a sentence with no subject" is a sentence with no subject

"is a Quine statement" is a Quine statement

"is a sentence fragment" is a sentence fragment

Klisht Hindi

2007-06-13T13:51:00.000+05:30

Heard of words like shishu, twacha, poshan I am sure images of an advertisement should prop up in your mind. Such pure Hindi is to be heard in advertisement let alone Hindi news channels

String of characters

2007-06-12T14:11:00.000+05:30

On popular demand esp. Desh and Bulbul I have to write more on these fellows. Let me first make my stance clear. I neither revere nor despise the unforgettable, forgettable characters who have bedecked the silver screen for ages. They popped up in my mind because of the habit of looking at unforseen and forgotten spaces, a habit best cultivated by observing junior dance artists in P.T. dance sequences (1-2-3 types dances where half of the time hero is clearly watching the choreographer)

There are few common traits that these people share, they occupy a of your psyche where only a quaint image lingers with left over remembrances of queer accent or strange character portrayal. It is in general very hard to associate their names with their images.

Satyen Kappu: He has done various roles most remembered one is Sholay's Raam Laal, the best context specific help ever made. All that the Thakur had to call out was RaamLaal in his deep baritone and master's task would be done. Most of the times he used to be finished before the movie ends or would be weeping/whining on various things.

Jagdish: I think he and not Iftikhar has the most number of appearances as police officer without a single promotion in his life time :)

Sudhir: Now sudhir is a character which very few people can recollect. He is the fellow with long downward turning mustache and queer thick foreign accent Hindi. To aid your recollection he was one of the brothers in Satte pe Satta.

Tej Sapru: Now this one is a bouncer. Tej Sapru was epitome of road side gangster, college baddy, goon's son etc. He dominated the scene in 80s and 90s like no one else. Remember the show manager in Tezaab. Or the baddy in Saajan who tries to rape Madhuri Dixit and a crippleed Sanjay Dutt tries to save him. I guess the best AHA moment belongs to him because of the contrast between persistent presence and relative obscurity. Trying to google tej sapru results in some lawyer named 'Tej Bahadur Sapru' of British era.

Macmohan: It is easy to remember him with his all encompassing beard thin and frail frame. His most memorable role was that of Sambha in Sholay where he had only few lines. Interestingly he is uncle of starlet Ravina Tandon.

I would not include A.K. Hangal here as he is quite well known by his name and his lines in Sholay 'Itna sannata kyon hai bhai' but many people do believe he was born old :)

Do check out later i will continue this :)

PS: another good habit is to go on staple diet of movies on Zee Cinema and Star Gold

string of characters

2007-06-12T00:32:00.000+05:30

Remember Iftekar(man with record polic officer roles) ? MacMohan (Sambha) ? Satyen Kappu (Sholay ka omni present raam laal)? Bob Christo (Quintessential phoren baddy)

We should document such people whom no one remembers by name but faces. A typical reaction would be 'oh that guy' and a smirk :)

words

2007-06-02T01:11:00.000+05:30

Some of other stuff from my side. Photos belong to Saurabh

http://flickr.com/photos/visio/509032043/

http://flickr.com/photos/visio/421224382/

http://flickr.com/photos/visio/509253022/in/photostream/

http://flickr.com/photos/visio/521356406/

मेघ

2007-06-01T11:07:00.000+05:30

ज़ुल्फ़ों के काले मेघ, दिल मैं गम बरसाते हैं
दर्द के फूल खिलते हैं जब सामने वो आते हैं

zulfon ke kaale megh, dil main gam barsate hain
dard ke phool khilte hain jab saamne wo aate hain

प्रतीक अग्रवाल कायल

quark's dilemma

2007-05-30T17:56:00.000+05:30

B.Tech. is Bachelor of Technology OR Bachelor because of Technology?

If it is that important to study pros and cons of everything why limit yourself to constitution?

Quark's Law

2007-05-17T11:10:00.000+05:30

Moore's law, Murphy's Law, this law, that law

Now comes quark's law: 'There exists one more law than the number of laws you can count'

Structures

2007-05-17T10:42:00.000+05:30

"Web site" baffles Internet terrorism trial judge

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/security_britain_internet_dc;_ylt=AszIY5m_8gyrEPggaWSqKdgjtBAF

This is an apt example of how internet and www is changing our society and yet formal structures of our society are still unaware of this or don't have anything in place for this. Lawmakers and dealers are still groping in dark about cyber-crimes primarily because our law like mathematics works on a set of axioms (which are fundamental rights, consitution etc.) and derived truths (laws which adhere to these) so we would need to incorporate these things in the axioms itself. Describing new age things in old age terminology will backfire one day. Describing website in terms of published books or equivalent wont work

Mahatma, Bapu, Gandhi

2007-05-11T14:41:00.000+05:30

It is really hard to talk of Mr. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi in India without being in extreme. Awe, Disbelief, Reverence, Negligence are few of the emotions in which you have to delve or others would make you delve on topics related to him.

This post is less on Mr. Gandhi and more on 'on Gandhi'. Recent past has shown Gandhi revisited, re-analyzed. The best part is analyzed because he has been hailed as a messiah, prophet, avatar, the perfect soul, the Christ who took others pain, the man who never did anything wrong. We have started giving flesh to his soul, making him human, fallible. Accepting that heros are fallible, spiderman can fail, there is sweat under his arms.

We have started accepting his limitation and power e.g. Lage Raho Munna Bhai. Puritans and fundamentalists have codified Mr. Gandhi in dhoti, khaadi and charkha. But this new Gandhigiri is less on Gandhi and more on our perception of Gandhi, how should his principles be interpreted in new age (or should they be reinterpreted) . What he said and did was best for his times and situations. Applying them rampantly in space and time is a blatant insult and probably not all of his teachings can be used. (Imagine government some special occasion giving goats to poor people because Gandhiji used to drink goats milk, Doode! those poor fellows would feed the goat or their children?!?).

We have also started coming to terms with his personal life and his affair with Mira (I am yet to read Mira and Mahatma and other related text to comment in detail), his tumultuous and destructive relation with eldest son and never talked of family life.

The worst that we can do with great men is to create there statues, put them in pedestal, codify there teachings and sayings and elevate them to a prophetic status of idealism from where they are a mute spectators of there own insult.

From 15th Aug/26th Jan based Attenborough's 'Mahatma' we have moved to Lage Raho Munna Bhai. From 'prerak prasangs' (inspirational anecdotes) we have moved to deeper and more professional studies on his life.

साधो रे

2007-05-11T01:01:00.000+05:30

साधो रे ये मुर्दों का गाँव - अग्नी

http://efreakyshare.blogspot.com/2007/05/sadho-re-by-agni-video.html

अति उत्तम प्रणय पत्थर (Rock) और दोहे का

कहाँ थी ये अग्नी अब तक
किस सीने मैं दबी थी ज्वाला
अब जो छलकी है तेरे उर से
पीने दे यह जीवन हाला

- प्रतीक अग्रवाल 'कायल'

Dil ki aahaten

2007-03-25T01:46:00.000+05:30

chand lafz apni zindagi ki kitaab se hame bhi padao
kya beeti kaisi beeti kuchh hame bhi sunao
kis panne pe kaun mila, panna palatate bichhad gaya
kahaan syahi ke daag lage hume bhi batao

Indian debacle

2007-03-24T12:18:00.000+05:30

As i am a bona fide Indian i have to comment on Indian cricket teams performance and have to give my expert comments on what should be done next. What is the best strategy, should Chappel be kicked out or Dravid be spanked?

I feel the team needs to rest, rejuvenate themselves. There is too much cricket. Players are not puppets. Give them a break. Every batsmen a good one, bowling is just okay, all of them have proved themselves so no need to revamp the team apart from certain policies like one should be kicked out (or allowed to cool your heels) with assurance that you will be taken back when you are ready. There has to be a stable opening batting line up. India plays 3-4 opener

0x49 0x6e 0x6e 0x6f 0x76 0x61 0x74 0x69 0x6f 0x6e 0x00

2007-03-21T09:27:00.000+05:30

Bummed! Flustered! Sounds Greek!
Is it a puzzle? a code? a key to Aztec gold or secret of Da Vinci's sexual orientation or Michelangelo's link with Al-Qaeda?
The answer is Innovation. It is simple hexadecimal representation of ASCII code for innovation. (What an innovative thought eh ;-) )

Yes the innocent word innovation. Knowledge industry, flat world, globalization, information age blah blah to the nth power.

Every one is crying hoarse, look at us we are an innovative company. We lay a lot of emphasis on innovation. We want our employees to be innovative. We always innovate
Holy crap! No one cares as long as the monies are coming

Read some serious stuff here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Innovation and start innovating

(what an innovative blog)

Moore's Law

2007-03-21T09:23:00.000+05:30

Number of transistors on an integrated circuit for minimum component cost doubles in every 18 months. (Reference)

Well I propose new Quark's Law of idiocy. Average 'level' of programmers dwindles by half every two year.

By level I mean the kind of work you do, the kind of work that get proud of(if you get a chance to do so).

\

2007-03-15T20:25:00.001+05:30

A programmers problem in C language:

How do you print a new line of information on a console?
printf("\n");
Turn the problem into itself, recursive
How do you print the symbol \ followed by n on console?
printf("\\n");
Then how do you print the symbol \ followed by \ followed by n?
printf("\\\n");

\ is a popular way to express the inexpressible because new line is a concept not an axiomatic symbol like: a,b,c
Just as one uses . to denote an end of line in English language. So whenever you have to comment about the dot you have to write d followed by o followed by t (as I did few characters back) or use '.'

Surely our computer and there arcane languages are no contender against our evolutionary advanced hair covered CPUs

ब्लौग अब हिंदी में

2007-03-08T20:22:00.000+05:30

गूगल भाई साहब को पता नही कहाँ से पता चल गया की हमें हिंदी में टाईप करना बहुत अच्छा लगता है

भाई बहुत मस्त चीज है यार

क़सम से मजा आ गया हिंदी मैं टाईप करते हुए एक अजीब सा एहसास हो रह है
मैंने पता नही कितनी बार कोशिश की होगी अलग अलग सॉफ्टवेयर use करके
धन्य हो श्री अमित अगर्वाल का जिन्होंने हमे अवगत कराया इस feature se
Digitally Inspired

Tagged!

2007-03-08T10:52:00.000+05:30

Are you getting some tagged mails from a friend or from someone you had mailed sometime back?

Get 'Digitally Inspired'

:-(

2007-03-07T09:31:00.000+05:30

Jean Baudrillard no more

News Article

About Jean

Kotable Kotes

2007-03-02T14:20:00.000+05:30

Everyone should perform above average!
(Duh! mate what will happen to the average?)

Microsoft Access is not working today!
(hee hee hee hee no comments dude)

2007-03-02T13:50:00.000+05:30

Is there a mathematics where no objects are equal to themselves!

Mirza Asadullah Baig Khan Ghalib

2007-02-26T11:57:00.000+05:30

Yeh na thee hamari qismat..

Yeh na thee hamari qismat keh wisaal-e-yaar hota
Agar aur jeete rahtay yehi intezaar hota

Tere waade par jiyee ham to yeh jaan jhoot jana
Keh khushi se mar na jaate agar intezaar hota

Yeh kahaan ki dosti hai bane hain dost naaseh
Koi chaarasaaz hota koi ghamghuzar hota

Kahoon kis se main keh kya hai shab-e-gham buri balaa hai
Mujhe kya bura tha marana agar aikbaar hota

Huay mar keh ham jo ruswa huay kyun ka gharq-e-dariya
Na kabhi janaza uthata na kahin mazaar hota

Yeh masaael-e-tasavvuf yeh tera bayan ghalib
Tujhe ham wali samajhate Joh na badaakhwar hota.

T R A N S L A T I O N
I N
E N G L I S H

It was never in my fate to meet my beloved.
Even if more years of life was to me allocated, I would have been still awaiting the prize cherished.

If you think that I had been living on your promise, it is a lie.
For, if I had faith in you, would not of joy I would die.

Woe betide, my friendship, that the friends give pious advice and sermons they deliver.
I need someone on whose shoulders could I weep, who could allay my grief and my fears.

Whom should I tell that the night of sorrow is full of pangs.
I would not have resented the death, if it comes only once.

Disgraced, as I was after my death, why didn't I drown in a river or sea.
Neither, there would have been a funeral, nor tomb erected for me.

The marvels of ethical problems and your statements full of meanings.
I would have counted you, "Ghalib" amongst dearest friends of God; if only, you had not been a lover of drinks.

This is the translation of one of Ghalib's ghazals by Mansurul Hoda, author of the Urdu book "Dusra Rookh." He is one of the scholars of Ghalib poetry. He has translated many Ghalib ghazals and also published many articles on different Urdu poets and their poetry. He can be reached via e-mail

Taken from: http://members.tripod.com/~Hoda/mansur.html

2007-02-26T11:25:00.000+05:30

ab neebu ki taazgi aapki baniyaan main - Dollar Baniyan
now get lime's freshness in your vest - Dollar Vests

Heard this from radio while commuting to office

ROFLOL, ROFLMAO

Eklavya

2007-02-25T16:57:00.000+05:30

Brilliant! Bravo! and kudos to Mr. Chopra to make a thoroughly perfect movie. Excellent work of picturization. He takes whatever is required out of tradition, mythology, dialectic discussion of right and wrong, caste system and ignores the crap. What I really enjoyed was the pace of movie with good twists and turns in the story.

He has made me believe again that story and script are the heroes of cinema. I thought it to be another bleak, 'ART' movie and why the hell is he not showing his story in the promos, but when you do watch the movie you will realize that it is the story which carries the whole weight.

Another point is Mr. Chopra doesn't go overboard with scenery, art as does Mr. Bhansali where actors are mere puppets strolling or living in front of a picturesque background. Let the background be background because it is meant to be at the back Mr. Bhansali.

Amitabh Bachchan at his best. Now this is what is called acting. Not to make people cry or laugh because politicians and Mr. Chidambaram are best at it but to ACT. To behave as some one else
to personify some one and when you see Mr. Bachchan you wont be watching Mr. Bachchan. You will be seeing Eklavya.

So it is with most of the cast. Boman Irani really great, Jimmy Shergill in a small yet well done role. Saif very good (though not as overpowering as Langda Tyagi)

A must watch for those souls who are fed up with crass comedies, heart wrenching NRI drama, bleak underworld stories (Actually the term underworld is a misnomer because we all carry our heaven and hell with us)

2007-02-24T09:54:00.000+05:30

Things that I despise but do watch. No reasons, no infatuations, no obsessions

Crazy Kiya Re...... :: Aishwarya Rai with skimpiest frock she has ever worn
Tofee with Taran :: Mutual Back patting pack of brats and babes and a karan johar
Sawaal ka sawal :: Body huggin Tshirt on a toads body SRK. Funky video
Great Indian Laughter Challenge:: from class to crass, I still await a good laugh

Code for Thought

2007-02-22T09:45:00.000+05:30

Requirement, value for customer, usability, testability and all the other 'ilities' are debilitating. We need the hackers (not the password stealers), artists, craftsmen in our coding/programming industry.

It is good to take note of formal procedures, processes etc. but coding/programming is a human activity involving a lot of thought and creativity. One should experiment a lot. Write code for the sake of it, don't think about its usability or better write code for yourself. A nerd wanted to solve a problem of formatting text data and existing tool could not do it. The person concerned being the lazy programmer that he is, decided to over-kill the problem with a general-purpose tool that he could use in at least one other place and lo behold it is Perl made by Larry Wall.

So start making your own code, tools which solve your own problem chances are that others will also be facing similar issues. Or better write code for fun, just pure unadulterated joy. Work as the child plays in a sandbox

Sexy & Sex

2007-02-21T14:22:00.000+05:30

I'm bringin' sexy back (Yeah) (dhinchik dhinchik and all other unspeakable sounds in Just-In Timberlake's latest song)

Don't know whether this gentleman is speaking about bringing a sexual renaissance or talking about posterior of an alpha female!

But no no no sexy has no connection what so ever with copulation not even the hint towards it.

Sax man! Saxy phone! Sexy Car! Sex Bomb! SAX!

Yeah these are some of the words I hear often and wonder what has car, phone or bomb has to do with coitus. In this age of seduction everything has to be sexy. Even your ads have to have sexual undertones to it

Dabaa ke piyo!

Choos ke khao (Parle Orange)!
In the last case if you have seen the ad then you will realize that the kid is no archetype sample for Dr. Freud's Oedipal study but he needs to suck on an innocent candy as to make a gesture of a kiss. Talking of advertisements made in a bad taste!

Aam (the common)

2007-02-17T10:51:00.000+05:30

no no this not any of Indian Hindi movies (Bollywood smells of American fixation, foreign fetish and reactive self perception of Indian psyche) like 'Daag the fire', 'Eklavya the royal guard'. Aam in Hindustani means common, though it also means the tropical fruit - mango. I am considering the common aspect.

'XYZ toothpaste daaton ki sadan se lade aam toothpaste se 10 guna zyada' (XYZ toothpaste fights tooth decay 10 times better than common/ordinary toothpaste)

'Kisi bhi aam detergent se de behtar dhulai' (Gives a better wash than any common detergent)

Now I am no ad or media expert but this doubt still lingers. Where are these 'Aam' toothpaste, detergent, nappy, etc sold. Who buys them? 'Aam' people?

I think these 'Aam' set of products are the only non existent products which give such a tough competition! Talking of hyper reality Mr. Baudrillard are you listening!!!
Hello !

(In the quest to be different we all are same)

Valentino Diwas

2007-02-15T09:16:00.000+05:30

Phrases like Special Day, V Day, D Day, Just another day, Love is in the air (but I only see air pollution) are all hackneyed phrases over used abused misused. Spoken over and over and over to the point where my brain marching ahead in its evolutionary path silently ignores these noises as they hardly contribute furtherance of the species and nearly nill in the process of natural selection.

Valentino Diwas is a conspiracy played out by archies, hallmark and all goody goody stuff producers. Mass produced, templatized love. Diamonds are forever well they have been here forever!

Does Newton's Second Law apply on live pigs?

2006-10-03T16:56:00.000+05:30

What a silly question to ask. But do ya have the answer. You sure have to keep the pig on a frictionless surface and then apply a force, then calculate his mass and acceleration of it. Air resistance yes our dear old friend would come back, so keep him in a vaccum. Surely he will die in that then you wont have a live pig! What the heck what does it matter it is alive or dead or even a pig?

The point is the physics we have is so constricted where even an elephant can be reduced to a payint maass (point mass in my physics teacher's rendition of the word). Every observation and every nature of universe has to fall in the rule, whatever is incongrous an abberation, a deviation, an outlaw. Do ya see the similarity in majority democracy and cultural xenophobia? A short respite was seen in chaos theory (which is a effusive name of non-linear dynamics)

The second point is that the day we consciously used laws which are universal (applicable to anyone) we started generalizing stuff and started on the quest of universal theory of everything. The same rules should apply to nearly every object (or all objects of specific types like subatomic particles). The day we concluded that apples and planetary bodies are moved by the same force we started seeing them in the same light as a 'payint maases'. This basic minimalism of experiment, the construct of system, surrounding and observer are all signs of modern science.

Tradition, Culture and Modernity in Technology

2006-05-02T09:35:00.000+05:30

Whatever I say hence forward, there is no point in argument, analysis, debate. Just listen to it. If you feel sensible okay if you find it insensible then gurrrrret. They are ramblings put to words.

Words are birds,
they can fly
They can make you happy
and surely you can cry

Technology is seen as something really modern. Modern is out of the world, ahead of its times, ahead of norms, beyond the present. Like the second face of Janus facing to the future.

let me get to reality, let me take an example:

F = ma

If I say this equation (if you consider this as an equation) is from electrostatics you will have a short snort at me, and ask me whether I have heard of Newton.

Well who says F should always stand for Force, m for mass and a for acceleration????????

There are patterns of behavior which are followed for various reasons:

Ease of use: conventions. You create conventions to shorten the expression F stands for Force etc.

Formal processes: Just like a bachelor's program, degree education or upanayan sanskar

Rituals: to denote transition from one stage to another and tell the same to others, promotion, bachelor party, project handover, joining party, company leaving treat.

Basically traditions are also communication through human actions in groups. When you are getting married you tell the rest of society I am marrying so and so. Otherwise go fuck somewhere in a shady corner who cares?

and yes technology doesn't always mean IT or a software running in a dumb chip

Software and Freedom

2005-11-30T09:55:00.000+05:30

Free Software Foundation vehemently supports free use and distribution of software. It is some thing like you get a good code you can share it with your neighbour. Once can't deny the role FSF and Open software has played in computing industry.

The freedom as proposed by fsf has a slight glitch. The code may be free to use but not easy. Let us take freedom in political domain. In all modern democracies freedom of people are ensured by rights and a right of expression is mentioned which is like a core, a base around which other freedoms rest. That is why importance to journalism is given even though it has no formal role in constitution. So is our software.

Let me explain. How many times have you [I am talking to Linux users] cursed your machine for not able to do something in your work, do you hate working on a console the whole day? The point is it comes free you can always download source of anything from net change it and start using it but the trouble in changing. Look at the amount of documentation, forums which one has to consult to.

It reminds me one of the Franz Kafka's short stories [which are extremely metaphorical]where a man always came for justice on door of law and the gaurd always refused him to go in. When the man was about to die gaurd told him you never went in the gate was made for you only.

So we have created free software but you have to be a geek or a coding god to understand and create your own stuff. My basic premise is software or code is software usage is an act of expression so whenever I tell this windows to do something someone has thought over and made windows such that it would be nice for me. But the glitch is that how could he think about all the possible needs of me. In such a diverse world with myriads of requirements who would go on making software for others.

We should create platforms where the user has more control over the system not in terms of open ness but ease of use also. Freedom needs its own enablers and checks and balances as well.

K era

2005-11-17T10:21:00.000+05:30

That K in title is not for Kyonki Chhaachh bhi kabhi dhahi thee. But for Knowledge With a capital and silent K.

It is a Knowledge economy. Global economy. Religion can be seen as having a source of knowledge.It can be the secret knowledge of the unknown [paradoxical hunhh], the right way of living, secrets and history of cosmos, or ethics. Common things about religion is the interpreters of knowledge or the gate holders of heaven, the learned people who bring common men, the lesser mortals in contact with divinity, supremity. They are agents of ascent.

But knowledge economy starting from printing press threw them off-gaurd. It brought that withhold virgin of knowledge to common man. Who can learn, read, discuss religion as they like. The role of the interpreter, the gatekeeper reduced to a peon. Now the same knowledge economy is going through a rift. Knowledge which was thought as free (so was water once) is a capital which has its own Capitalists.

There has been a fundamental shift in power or perception of power. It has moved from Land [Agriculture], Resources [Feudalism], Capital [Industrialization], Access or Control [ Post modern- Management Era where managers have control over other people's money]over cash to Access or Control of Knowledge. The line between last 2 is still blur.

Well coming back to knowledge pundits, the people who sit over vast heap of knowledge patent and IP protection is one of the things they have created to withhold knowledge.

PS: The word knowledge above is still a little bit blurry to me and i am sure even to knowledge manager and knowledge workers....