Let there be traffic lights

Vijay Sharma did it so should we, that is create a new God. Voltaire talked of necessity to invent God we Indians went ahead and created one using cinema. Jai Santoshi Ma might be the only instance in world cinema where a deity with new mythological stories was created and had such a popular following complete with rituals, rites etc.

Please do not mistake this post to be a proposal for 'Gulshan Kumar presents' movie or bhajan album with Anuradha Podwal . What I am looking for is to create a new God with newer powers. They say prehistoric man in awe of forces of nature used to find 'God' or a supreme being or power in phenomenon like rain, flood, lightening. Anthropomorphic forms came quite later to be followed by contract/faith based religion.

Coming exactly to the point I want to propose a new God (or Goddess to save me from woman empowerment devis) centered in the city of Banggalore (Bengaluru). He would be the God of Traffic - यातायातेश्वर (yaataayaateshwar) benevolence of without which no mortal can reach his destination by road! Yaataayaateshwar is a distant cousin of Yama, the God of Death. Yama incarnates as the mighty Yamaha (Oops was a secret code in another of Robert Langdon's adventure?) . He is also related to God of Time, the exact nature of which is known only to few scholars and researchers of Bangalore traffic vs time warps.

The guardian angles descend upon Earth in form of auto rickshaw drivers who plug themselves in every possible gap to ensure his wish is fulfilled. Unbeknown to them bike riders start riding on pavements because of his will. Traffic cops are the neo-Brahmins meditating at the nearest nukkad or pan shop discussing his divine providence amongst themselves away from the heathen unruly crowds. All that it takes is a few bucks for his blessings for drunken driving or driving without helmet, it is homage to him not a crime, those silly government babus what do they know. They call those green offering bribes!

Forget sava rupaye ka prasad or a trip to a shrine for this is an urban God who has no mercy for the meek. Rev up your engine and let your horns bark spouting paeans for him. Riders of Big or small vehicles, motor bike, car, scooty or even a 'mo-ped' do not bother, go ahead and sweat it out what are these governments to implement silly rules. If your faith in him is strong if your conviction is true then you shall prevail any skirmish or a battle when some non-believer tries to block your path all because of those three silly colored bulbs which are mere obstacles to test your faith.

So come on one and all and pay heed to the mighty यातायातेश्वर (yaataayaateshwar) and as Jim Morrison sang

Your hands upon the wheel.
Yeah, were going to the roadhouse,
Gonna have a real good-time.

Yeah, the back of the roadhouse,
Theyve got some bungalows.
Yeah, the back of the roadhouse,
Theyve got some bungalows.

They dance for the people
Who like to go down slow.

Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, all night long.

Trivia

Q: What is common between Vladimir Nobokov and Shakti Kapoor?
A: Auuuuu Lolita!

Ankush - A movie review

The distinguishing feature of the movie is neither brutal rape nor gruesome murders not even discourse given by four protagonists in court room but slow degeneration of a generation, bit by bit. Potential criminals are not made in accidental moments of hunger (read Rajesh Khanna's Roti) or personal revenge (read Agnipath) or concoction of the above (read Deewar) but are byproducts of alienation, unemployment, low societal status working on young psyche bit by bit.

The slow degradation starts when the credits end, showing rivalry over 'Ganesh Visarjan', a popular festival in Maharashtra. Their identity to external world is rooted in their own 'mohalla' (__wadhi ke launde). The gang fights and subsequent victories do not pull them in 'Alice in Gangsterland' myth of RGV (those have their own place) but the four loafers still remain in veranda of an empty house where street and home, shadow and sunlight abut. A symbol of being neither in safe, secure, comfortable zone of a house nor anonymous, isolated and mean streets. Each of their families or the absence of it shows lack of support but a spineless elder brother, old age spent mother, elder sister who uses illicit means for income are more of literal readings.

In terms of protagonist's development they did not become smuggler/criminal of international repute such as V.D. Chauhan in Agnipath. A common element in such mainstream movies of social discourse is transgression. Transgression from rural/town to metro runs parallel with ascendanc of protagonist. (Agnipath, Deewar, Namakhalaal, Muqaddar ka Siqandar. Wrongs to Kalia where done in Bombay but he was still a 'bhaiyya' unaccustomed to Bombay ways). Protagonists of Ankush lie within the social laboratory of Bombay mohallas/chawls (locality) in petri dish of the mohalla.

The difference between these four and gangster 'Sublaya' and shades of criminality elicit their decadence: saving a girl from eave teasing, hired hands to vacate an illegal tenant, gang rivalry skirmishes to picking up fight in frustrated state of mind to murder.

Another important aspect was protagonist repent illegal means not for ill mother (read Deewar) or confused parentage (read Parvarish) but outcome of their own violent means. They never get steeped into gutter of criminal world and their is no glorification of violence. In essence the tussle between evils of society are not directly mapped to personal revenge and question of what path should be taken is left unanswered just when audience where convinced taking law in one's own hand is the way to go(unlike Rang De Basanti).

Defining moment for me was when Shashi's (Madan Jain) brother distances him, Shashi finds relief in the fact that last barrier of family's respect is removed and his tussle between two worlds of employed middle class salaried men and criminal do-as-you-please is removed for he had been a trishanku all the while.

The role of social worker Manda and her grand mom and their discourses remain aloof from over utilized words of love, peace and non violence and are based on 'Shradhha' or trust (please correct me if I am wrong) which need not be about being religious. The debates are terse and clearly avoid hyperbole, action sequences are no novelty just that they do not carry AK47s or pistols always, some of them are quite long drawn. Music does not interfere with the narrative and in fact the prayer adds a lot to what movie tries to convey.

For a first movie N. Chandran showed a lot of maturity which unfortunately he could sustain only till Tezab which carries the same subtext as Ankush.

[Observation] SRK the gal stealer

It has been observed that Shah Rukh Khan's oeuvre has been taking another man's girl:

Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa: This is one of the cutest and heart felt movie I have seen coming out of SRK's stable, the rest are dud studs. Two boys fighting for ek aanaa (Are bhai mere paas ao chaar aana le lo). Though he tried hard SRK lost her to get Juhi Chawla at then end. Now we know more was yet to come.

Baazigar: 'Haar ke jeetne wale ko bazigar kehte hain' despite desperate measures from Sushant Ray [Inspector Karan] he could not have Kajol, neither did SRK but who cares about Sushant Ray.

Darr: Now this was hell of a creepy movie made by SRK and I am sure he could never out do himself, how could he with deep into all the chocolate romance and KJo . SRK gave new lease to crank callers and parents dreaded naming their girl child : K k K k iran. (Was this the start of K fantasy for KJo).

Anjaam: SRK vs MD. This was indeed a unique movie devoid of cloying romance, butterflies-in-her-eyes heroine. Madhuri was not some one's gal but what the hell SRK went for her and did not get her.

DDLJ: Simran was going to marry Kuljeet [Parmeet Sethi] no wonder heartbroken he went for Archana Puran Singh

Yes Boss: Bubbly Juhi Chawla was going for Sidharth Chaudhry [Aditya Puns-Choli]. SRK was even pataofying her for his boss but...

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: Now this time he took a long shot and took Sallu's gal yes Kajol right in the wedding ceremony and Sallu was more than happy to give her. Sallu a bird in hand is better than 2 in the bush they say. Or 'hath ko aya moonh na lagaya' as Crime Master Gogo [SuckThee Kapoor] said in Andaaz Apna Apna

DevDas [pronounced as Dev The Ass]: This was a movie where he lost the gal, went for her and then died at her doorstep. This indeed an out lier where he did not get the lady and still the movie was a hit

Chalte Chalte: In true SRK style he just walked away with Rani from Sameer [Jas Arora]. He proved he can get his gal back even when she left him post marriage

Kal Ho Na Ho: Though he himself did not take a gal away but SRK found his protégé in Saif giving him all the tricks for 'chhe din, ladki in'.

Paheli:SRK here was taking well his own girl! The ghost SRK took human SRK's gal. People who stayed alive till the end please let me know who got her?

Chak De: Well there was no other guy's girl for him but who cares he had his plate full

Om Shanti Om: Now ShantiPriya was even married to horse-on-dope-look-alike Arjun Ram-Pal [i.e. friends of uncastrated adult male sheep] but eventually got her in afterlife. Little known fact is that Sandhya [a.k.a Sandi] was my gal before she went away to Mumbai for that darned audition :( so that makes a double whammy.

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna [a.k.a. Kabhi Alvida Na Dekhna]: Love triangle? square? Forget all that try making the most complex polygon out of 4 points! Ever tried, I am sure you will get KANK. Well as with Paheli I could not finish the movie, some please let me know did SRK and Baby-AB got to swap their better halves?

I might have left few, readers are requested to add to the observation originating from my dear friend and room mate Asheesh Kumar.

Trivia: Does any one remember Yeh Lamhe Judaai Je (2004) between SRK and Raveena Tandon? Found this baffling entry in IMDB while doing 'research' for the post.

Summary:
90s saw the tectonic shift in guys n gals running away from house which was Amir Khan's forte [QSQT, Dil, Dil Hai ki Manta Nahi]. The rate drastically dropped after SRK's entry and soon it became fashionable even for straight-out-of-crib actors like Jimmy SherGill to come prancing in a wedding and take away the gal with family's consent. And stories did not end when hero and heroine fall in love / get married.

Jodha Yuckbar

Now I am all ears and eyes for a historic retelling of yonder age epics if done in a good 'taste'. Mr. Gowarikar's movie paints Mr. Jalaal in modern color. That too is acceptable but to make him a caricature of liberal, democratic, peace loving, metro sexual, secular, benevolent king straight out of Nandan kids magazine stretches the point a little too far.

I would accept that too but then to go on and make a drab story written as if a school boy has to fill pages in a subjective exam where need of the hour is to give at least 12 points in answer to a six marks questions. "How Akbar met Jodha and how he deflowered her" is one line summary of this epic. You might need it in your next board exams so take notes bummer.

It is like Gobhi Manchurian served in Bangalore's eateries. The only similarity recipe has with anything remotely Chinese is a certain Gobi desert somewhere northwards. Mr. Gowarikar uses clichés to pepper this tasteless Moghlai dish:

* Husband's Health?: Go pray in front of gawd and wait for the song to end and wait for divine providence to shine through beautiful window. But wait, where are the clanging bells? And lashing rains? Sure you could have some lightning too. Atleast she could have banged her forehead at the mandir-ki-chaukhat if you could have allowed her

* Babe acting pricey?: Show some brawns with a sword to turn her on. Still no luck. Invite her for a sword fight [ahem, ahem], let things get a little sultry and ..... oh the maid interrupted (Jalaal's thought bubble: "ménage à trois? [winky] [winky] no sen-sooar board will not be able to digest this, forget it will take her some other day. bourgeoisie b*&^h"). Nothing prevails give a pro poor budget and win her back ("Hmm it is politics that turns her on").

* Mahamanga's kahaani ghar ghar ki antics never worked because she did not think aloud like saas bahu vamps. I can't recall that serial in which some lady in a throaty, husky voice would should 'Nikkaa' at appearance of vamp. Mahamanga lacked the kilos of makeup too.

* Extended end fight which seemed like Dandiya Raas. The clichés should not be tampered with. No car chases? Have some horses some camels thrown around and you get clincher of a climax.

* Death in beloved arms: Let all the parties converge at single point and all wet complaints 'geele shikwe' get resolved. "Hum tumhe samajh na paye sumermal... Bhaisaaa..., jodhaaa...". But where was the melodrama? It should have been something like this:

J: "Bhaisa aap hume yun chhod ke nahi ja sakte"
J: "Keh dijiye ki ye jhooth hai. Ek bhadda mazaak"
J: "Aap tomato sauce laga ke aye hain, kahiye na"
S: "main ja raha hoon jodha..... jalaal jodha ka dhyan rakhiyega, bade nazon se pala hai ise"
S: "Dekh behna maine ab tak teri rakhi apni kalai main baandh rakhi hai apni Timex ke saath"

(Readers are requested to play a melancholic veena at the background when reading the above dialogues)

Overall I think Yuckbar should have done following additional to what Mr. Gowarikar made him do:

* Worn red ribbon to support the cause against AIDS
* Decriminalized homosexuality
* Brought Uniform civil code
* Issued decree to punish any one caught farting in public (it causes global warming jahaan panaa)

Radio Eff 'Em

People in Bang-galore esp. the code monkeys who are found in company provided vehicles to commute would relate to my rants better. What can you do sitting in a closed vehicle with fellow passengers whose social life is as dead as yours? Only topic of discussion can be speculation on infrastructure projects in Bangalore and project details of the organization that you just left behind a while ago.

Yea get alive with Radio Eff 'Em. "Radio FM [frequency] [channel name] [catch line]" is the template for their introduction together with a jingle to jangle your nerves. The shock treatment , in pavlovian manner, will make you salivate every time the RJ spouts the station name: "Radio One whatte fun" "Sakkath Haut Maga" "Station for fat-a-fat generation"

The claim purported by these agencies is that its all about music whereas music is the last thing in their minds. Now all of them have random people calling them to answer quizzes, place a song request. The most irritating ones are when these radio jockeys call people on their relatives or friends behest to pull boring hoaxes and making us privy to dazzled recipient's ignominy. Stoned happy go lucky jockeys seem to possess a cloying aura touching every one's soul through ears in a singsong manner. RJ Vasanti Hariprakash seemed an exception with some grey cells between ears instead of reverberating vacuum.

The channels do increase non-Kannada speaker's Kannada diction by a few words: Swalpa, Sakkath, Maga, Hedi (Madi is already on their tongue) but the spectrum of music that they cover is narrow like Bangalore's by lanes ("Rafi. Whooz this gruffy ruffy doode? Listen to sakkath haut suckeera!!"). Channels give endless rehash of same 'latesht' songs which listener would encounter soon in another channel. Forget oldies of yonder age when things where black n white there are many classic and even catchy number of 70s, 80s, 90s. What happened to them?

The idea for the post came when last night in my own cab I was browsing radio channels which was more like monkey testing. Thats when I accidentally visited AIR and suddenly time slowed down, noise outside seemed irrelevant and I could feel cool, moist air billowing from coolers of my old home in hot loo-ridden North Indian summers as I would tune radio at my home waiting for dinner to be served shouting at the fan of the gigantic cooler with no aim at communication. For the uninitiated there are kool acoustic effects produced if you shout near different part of the coolers. Thats what they do not teach in your engineering schools.

"Is gaane ki farmaish ki hai jabalpur se humare nanhe sathiyon ne jinka naam hai chunnu, munnu, pappu, raju, pinki aur sunita" "Geet ke bol likhe hain anjaan ne, mukhya awaaz hai kishore kumar ki aur ........." Wow it was so soothing compared to blaring private channels competing with traffic noise. And AIR plays the latesht numbers dyoode.


PS: BTW I was mulling over the tagline : "Musth maja madi" and thought what piece of unimportant junk it is. Just claiming to have fun might not be the best tag lines in the world. Then the truth hidden in vocabulary crypts dawned on me. Musth (with the mandatory hech at the end) is actually a little known English word meaning:

An annual phase of heightened sexual excitement in the males of certain large mammals (especially elephants); is associated with discharge from a gland between the eye and ear

Now did you gather it is a hidden comment on mammal discharges and not just a soulless play of word for yuppy generation and people say we lack sex education.

AurKuchh(Orkut) nahi chahiye mujhe

Now communication is a basic human necessity apart from roti, kapda aur makan (and zeenat aman). Researchers say humans can handle prolonged thirst and hunger but would go mad if left with no one to share their thoughts. From smoke signals to pigeons, from teligrams to emails, from Alex Bell to Anil Ambani, communications have come a long way.





Now social networking is empowering people to reach across boundaries and share their life with others. Any internet user worth his clicks has to have an orkut account (more so if you are Portugese, Brazilian or of Indian sub continent). Owned by Google and named at its creator: Orkut Büyükkökten (Please do not try to memorize the spelling or pronounce it and worst make dirty puns of the name. Move ahead with the post) it has captured imagination of a sizable number of users (To sound informed and kool visit the wiki page).

The users range from college/school friends who meet daily and go home to scrap to an old acquaintance in your alma mater to some random guy who saw you activity in an orkut community and lo behold half of humanity wants to be friends with you especially if you are hot looking female with a profile pic as your own.

Now Orkut has got two great features. Scrapbook and Message Inbox. Like a true engineer (I have a piece of paper that says so) I would explain you communication mechanism with diagrams and professional looking ones at that.

Scrapbook: It is like the wall in front of your house where friends can park their car in whatever manner they can and whenever they can and rest of the neighborhood knows who has payed you the visit. That is fine but it also allows:

• Stangers to relieve themselves of nature's call even if you put obnoxious warnings ("Yahaan peshab karna mana hai", "Dekho gadha m&$# raha hai")

• Promote their business ("Ek moje pe do joote free free, bhayankar chhoot, aaj hi aye.....")

• Protesters to put messages and slogans ("Dilli chalo", "XYZ ko apna mat daan karen")

• Cheesy advertisements ("___ rogi mile ya likhe Dr. Ashok/Hakeem Usmani ko")

Well the last ones are found on walls near railway tracks just outside city limits. Forget the stranges here is a sample scrapbook conversation with parenthesized thoughts of the scrap writer.

Fig 1

Message Inbox: Now in an innovative streak orkut people have extended the basic tenets of 'right to speech' to 'right to shout at the top of your voice in some one's ear and then give a loud burp too'. Fig 2

The barrage of mails pouring hard at your inbox satiates all your desires for communication and even if you are naive enough to start deleting the messages one after another, clicking as furiously as you can you know it is an attempt in vain, you will end up in Sisyphus' infinite loop.

Wait I just got pinged for some hot (scathing) profile pic, ttly dude (and dudettes)

Note: In Fig 2. The un-parenthesized parts are actual messages and parenthesized one's are the readers reaction. Do share your interesting experiences with orkut

Valentino Diwas

The problem with Valentino Diwas is that even if you are against it you have to profess it profusely

• It is just a fad
• It is a marketing pogrom
• Every day is a Valentino Diwas
• I do not believe in such days
• It is blatant westernization

Lauv is in the air or is it pollution

To sting and not bite

Now the English speaking media might deride it as kitsch but it is pure wholesome entertainment. Just like New 'Atta Maggi Rice' gives taste bhi health bhi. Go no further I am talking of common man's news cum entertainment channel 'Aaj Tak'. Now people who think they are too intellectual smirk at it being crass and carrying nothing informative and at the most gossip or flimsy stories. Complains range from the kind of language used to barrage of images and sounds thrown at audience to lower their intellect. What the critics miss is excellent product placement aimed at Indian market.


Let me elaborate. Visit a barber's shop if you are a male, a visit to shopping mall (any other chance to get a high from spending spree) if you are a lady or a nice social get together if you are either of the afore mentioned categories. A common thread amongst these would be banter. Indians have the habit of gossip and its modus operandi is different in different sections of society but it exists. There are some hidden connections between gossip, powers of brain and intolerance, unravel them here. Gossip is not only a networking mechanism but a stress buster. Is some one from the English media taking notes on this! I want this published tomorrow in your page-3 column titled 'Gossip a Stress Buster. Researchers have shown...'. a lot better than itch free pajamas and pain can alter brain.

Now that you my readers are convinced about +ve parts of gossip let us come to the +ve aspects of the new channel. Unlike DD who use unadulterated Hindi, Aaj Tak uses Hindustaniglish (Yes Hindustani = Hindi + Urdu and Hindustaniglish = Hindustani + English).

As wholesome entertainment is promised each aspect of people involved is covered. e.g. there rumor mills worked overtime on Hindi film actress Kareena Kapoor (aka Bebo) and Saif Ali Khan.

• Bebo never came on screen in a bikini, but she will do some exposure in an upcoming flick
  
• Saif is a rock star with this stint with rock band
  
• Saif has Bebo's name tattooed on his forearm
• Astrological charts gave a green signal
  
• Saif's kid was also shown fiddling with guitar with rock star like expressions.
  

Now the readers have to take a note these bullets are only a summary of 1 hour program. People are treated visually with clips to show Bebo and Chhote Nawab's histrionic skills, glam-amorous photos and Hindi movie songs relevant to the issue at hand (Mera Band bajwao song in this case where the protagonist talks of bachelorhood and a woman with red scarf).

To enrich the audience with scientific breakthroughs and latest findings Aaj Tak covered how dinosaurs became extinct because of mosquitos 'ate' them. For visual aid they even made an animated dinosaur getting devoured by a bunch of mosquitoes. How we learned laughter from Monkeys was also a humbling piece of research shared by your channel. Do they show Aaj Tak in Australia? I doubt.

Interviews with movers and shakers of the world like Rakhi Sawant (Video not available), Nisha Kothari by big daddy Prabhu Chawla. His incisive questions about 'Jhumroo' in 'Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag' her mannerisms gave new light to the discussion so I recommend whole heartedly to watch that video. For other celebs check youtube.

Now as guardians of the society it is a duty of a news channel to report any funny business going on. Two executives anal-yze the situation with incisive comments and an adrenaline (Or testoterones?) rush to set the mood('A:Darshak bahut betaab ho rahe honge Bebo ke baare main jaanane ke liye. B: Haan aap to apni seat se uchhal ke baahar hi aa gaye Mr. A').

Like an artists master stroke Aaj tak stung who sting. They exposed a racket of women being used for so called sting operations and even black mail. Aaj Tak dare devils met these girls and posed as industrialists, politicians etc. who wanted to carry out sting oeprations. Now if you know about 'Six Degrees of Freedom' and a claim that world is a small place because every one is connected to rest of the world by at most six links you would not be amazed at what Aaj Tak did. They found a hidden link between these industrialists and your own starlet Babe-O
(noticed the big O ;)). After a lot many breaks they finally revealed the truth. One of the girls of foreign origin named Kareena was caught on camera and then they showed:

Exhibit A: Parde ki Kareena (who was a spy in remake of Don, if you didn't get the connection)
Exhibit B: Asal zindagi ki Kareena (the foreigner in question)

Like answer to good old 'diff' questions in Indian schools subtle difference between the two exhibits where highlighted.

But the sting couple nights back was mother of all exposés. All the hidden links between Hindi cinema and Mafiosi were unraveled. McMohan explained clockworks of financial dealings, Monica Bedi gave her choice of leading man in her biopic: Salman and Sunny.
Aditya Puns-choli talking of SRK's masculinity, Lawrence D'Souza discussing about an attack made on him in 'Satya' style and music director Anwar discussing musical predilections of 'D' and in between would break into one his own songs. Manjrekar's conspiracy theory of Sanzu Baba's conversation with Bhai. All this gave a heady feeling that Ethen Hunt, Jason Bourne, James Bond can't give let alone Da Vinci Code or Sherlock Holmes.

To ye thhe SomeAchaar Aaj Tak, chatkare (aur khatti dakare) lete rahiye kal tak

Update: As I am typing this update at my home Aaj Tak is covering Sanjay Dutt's marriage with Manyata. The channel is all gaga with happiness. Shehnai in the background, pyrotechnics overlapped over the newly weds' photo-op. In true investigative spirit no stone is left unturned:

• Where should they visit for honeymoon.
  
• It is basant panchami today, an auspicious event for nuptials hence expert comments from a pundit ji is taken
• The logistic details of proceedings
• Her dance skills in Gangajal's item number: "Alhad Mast Jawani"
  
• Paste muses of Sanjay and their body of work

Some sound bytes

• Saj gaye Sanju
• Manyata Munna bhai ki
• Kaun hai manyata? Dilwanaz ya Dilnasheen?

Memetic Mutations

The young upwardly mobile junta in India has renewed old traditions especially a large class of youngsters who are:

* Graduates (or about to be)
* Can spout English
* Are Mathematically Able(If 3rd side of a triangle is 4th power of the factorial of 1st two, then How many legs does an average cow has?)
* Can Dream (Suits, Salary and Job to kill for)

If the 1st criterion is not yet resolved they are seen in dingy hostel rooms else in swanky clothes serving time in an organization which is committed to collaboratively enhance corporate opportunities to exceed customer expectations (Link).

The reader by now must have guessed it is the annual pilgrimage of MBA aspirants - The CAT yatra. Like a secret cult they have secret code words: GD, PI, Vocab, Quant, LR which people of the inner chambers know. When a member meets another one the password is "Tayyari kaisi chal rahi hai" or "Kaisa hua" replied by an encoded rant which only their ilk can decode.

"Lag gayi yaar"
"XYZ to phod raha hai"
"Uske itne aye, tere kitne aye"
"Is baar kitna solve kiya"
"Ye speed wala thha"
"Isme accuracy chahiye thhee"

Obviously how can the pilgrimage be without brief sojourns like T.I.M.E. or P.T. and numerous other coaching centers which assure the darshan. Through rigorous mediation and regular players held weekly en mass they cleanse their souls. Those who have faith and determination, the purest of the pure get moksha, nirvana, bliss and those who don't well "Baba bade dayalu hain"

ASCII Me

Thanks to Amit Agarwal I got the link of a kool tool to play for a while :)
ASCGen is a Windows app to convert images into ASCII text. The good part is it is a lot hassle free and gives you few options to tinker around.

To install it on your Windows machine you will need a .Net fix for older machines, as they claim comes with it default.

Have a look at my ASCII self.

गुगली गणित की

a: Research has shown that drinking beer can be good for health by improving digestion, hydrations and couple of other 'tions'. [Accompanied with link to a really low quality, run of the mill article by a popular web portal]

b: Yeah right! It suggests test was done on 25 students they didn't even bother to go beyond their department I guess. Aam ke aam aur guthliyon ke daam! Aye boyz lets haav sum beaah and run for the gawd damn sayks, gotta shauw sum vital staatistix. I would say the perfect work life balance

b: A cutting (no bleeding, slashing and decapitating) research has shown that birthdays are good for longevity! The more you have the longer you live

a: Yeah wacko, another research shows 2 comes after one in series of natural numbers.

This lead me to a diversion towards a geek book I had read titled 'Godel, Escher, Bach' by Douglas Hofstader. In it there is a part where he explains what those mathematicians lost in formal theory do when they are not performing compulsory chores of life.

Some guy named Peano (not it is not a misspelled Piano) did some break through work in this field. These blokes do some really ass kicking work using a snazzy sounding words like axiom, premise, intrinsic property. To deconstruct the crap this guy laid the foundation by propounding few axioms like:

0 is a natural number.
For every natural number n, S(n) is a natural number.
S is successor function so S(0) = 1 and 2 = S(S(0))

Now this might sound like a hyped Hindi Cinema flick gone dud like 'Roop ki Rani Choron ka Raja', 'Asoka' or recent 'Aja Nachle'. Talking of fundu mathematics and then saying 2 follows 1. Even my housemaid with limited knowledge of mathematics knows 2 comes after 1. And what is this business about S? Filling up your pages of thesis by larger font, line height and paragraph setting is different but ssseriously duude flooding it up with S is a lot to grasp. Sounds more like a precursor to Kta Kapoor or kRkakkekskhk kRkokskhkaknk.

Well it seems Peano's work was used by Godel to derail Hilbert's Program. The guy like a Bond movie's megalomaniacs wanted the mathematical world to be conquered [Not Safe for Work because you might go mad till you hit the full stop or bang your boss's head]. Like Sauron in Lotar (LoTR) wanted one ring to rule 'em all. Hilbert's grand scheme was to give some mathematical system which can prove all other mathematical systems (like boolean arithmetic, vector algebra etc etc all those things you hated in school/college). So our Bond like Mr. Godel gave Hilbert's medicine back to him by proving his shit can't prove his own shit (:-0, don't ask me further about this else i shall puke a lot of S's and greek symbols on you). Mathematicians cohabit their own little crazy world throwing conjectures, hypothesis, axioms and what not.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSShhhhhh.... koi hai!

Physics and the Right hand

Now this is the stuff that would make even Einstein wonder in his grave. His anecdotal genius in his classroom days and Ramanujan's 0 boys with 0 bananas doubt would pale in front of this line of thinking. A genius by the name Mr. M (people from JK, Kanpur esp my colleagues from league of Science with Economics in 11-12 std would know whom I am talking of) had answered simple looking Physics definition question 'What is flux, give its formula?' by something akin to:

ρ = Q /ε

where all the above symbols except the common = and / meant some soopar arcane stuff in Physics. The above formula was not something found in textbooks. So based on a simplistic text search in an NCERT book the teacher, a simpleton, straitjacketed lady, gave a naught to our protagonist. The nearest search result she could get was a formula by some chump named Gauss. (apparently it had another of those strange symbols Φ in it instead of ρ, it all sounds unintelligent greek to me anyways, How does it matter phi or roe? )

With humility and politeness, traits of a true genius, M walked towards the dreaded teacher's table. On a polite inquiry about the zero tagged to his profound answer, madam told him about about the correct symbol to be used and the 'convention' to associate certain symbols with certain parameters in physics.

Right at that moment our iconoclastic Mr. M gave a beautiful reply in his characteristic mumble:

Madam right hand side to theek hai na

(Madam, at least the right hand side is correct)

The poor lady had an expression of a deer caught in headlight, not knowing how to react she slapped our hero in front of the whole class. (I dont remember she used the 'right' hand or the left one for pseudo poetic justice). I could get a glimpse of great Galileo arguing against the mighty dogmatic church. His ignorant colleagues could not appreciate the mettle of his supreme logic. Rest of his colleagues where an ignorant bunch. All he got was some giggles from the girls and guffaws from brats. Man we have no place for people who dare to challenge the convention.

Alas! I think this is why we have such a dismal performance and blatant plagiarism (and this) due to utter desperation and lack of original ideas.

babri masjid kaand

आज इस बात को १५ साल हो गए हैं. क्यूंकि ये मुद्दा लोगों के जेहन मैं फीका पड़ चूका है इसलिए हमारे नेता ( जो दरअसल प्रेता हैं ) कुछ नही कह रहे हैं सिवाय लोकतंत्र का चक्का जाम करने के। ये टोकरी मैं पड़े उन केक्डों कि तरह हैं जो न तो खुद बाहर निकालेंगे न ही किसी और को निकलने देंगे ।

उस समय जब ये बवाल हुआ था मैं काफी छोटा था । हालांकि गुजरात के दंगों के बारे मैं कहा जाता है कि टी वी पर समाचार द्वारा व्यर्थ मैं प्रचार हुआ पर मुझे अछे से याद है इस काण्ड मैं मस्जिद के ढहाने की विडियो कैसेट हर घर में देखे गए थे । इन तस्वीरों मैं से एक तस्वीर मेरे जेहन मैं घर कर गयी, वो ठी दिखने मैं कमज़ोर एक बुजुर्ग आदमी कि जो भीड़ से कहीं आगे आकर पुलिस कि लाठी चार्ज के सामने सीना ताने दौड़ने लगा और पास मैं पड़ा एक बड़ा सा ईट उठा के फेंका । उसके चेहरे मैं एक गज़ब का आक्रोश और पीड़ा नज़र आ रही थी । धर्म के नाम पर आदमी क्या नही कर सकता ये मैंने उस आदमी कि आँखों मैं देखा था ।

हमारी कानून व्यवस्था और पुलिस कि जांच प्रणाली के बारे मैं क्या कहा जा सकता है जब १२ साले बाद आरोपी को न्यायालय मैं लाया जाता है और १५ साल बाद एक साक्षी मिलता है ! जब कुछ ऐसा पड़ता या सुनता हूँ तो फ्रान्ज़ काफ्का कि लिखी ये कहानी 'before the law' याद आती है। आशा करता हूँ इस जन्म में इस मुक़दमे का नतीजा देख सकूं ।

Aaja Nachle or Dirty dancing

Every one knows the story. Some quarters of society had objections over some words in lyrics related to cobbler and goldsmith. BMW (Bahan MayaWati) slapped a ban later to be revoked and some people accusing Mayawati for double standards (Aren't two better than one?)

An interesting part is how the Media analyzes an event and goes meta:
- Film gets banned
- Freedom of Speech
- Finer nuances of traditional professions and caste system in India

then in a separate thread:

- Madhuri's comeback (With oft repeated line: She never went away)
- Madhuri not fit for a comeback
- Theories for comebacks with data samples of Rekha, Kajol, Juhi etc.
- Controversy used to boost box office sale of the movie
- Controversy couldn't boost box office sale of the movie
- Theories of controversies increasing sales

With arguments, facts and theories buzzing around our head like a swarm of deadly bees, we missed a small point. Every day since past week I have listened to the song on Radio and not even a single byte from its lyrics are clipped. If representatives of people are so careful of popular sentiments then they should know a little bit of maths. Number of people listening to the words via Radio has to be much higher than cinema audience then why ban only on screening!

PS: A classic case of the meta nature of media is when media cribs about media!

Devnagri

देवनागरी लिपि पड़े हुए हमे अरसा हो गया । अब जबकि ब्लॉगर ने अपने एडिटर मैं यह सुविधा उपलब्ध कि है कि आप रोमन अक्षरों मैं हिन्दी शब्द लिखें और वह देवनागरी लिपि मैं प्रतिवार्तित हो जायेंगे तो बड़ा अच्छा लगा .किन्तु खेद सिर्फ इस बात का है कि हमारा प्रिय ब्राउज़र फायरफौक्स यह लिपि ठीक से प्रस्तुत नही कर पता। अतः हमे माइक्रोसोफ्ट के इंटरनेट एक्सप्लोरर का उपयोग करना पड़ता है :(

बाक़ी सब तो ठीक है किन्तु हिन्दी की दो मात्राएँ : बड़ी ई छोटी इ जब किसी व्यंजन के साथ मिलती हैं तो गड़बड़ हो जाती है। थोड़ा गूगल करने पर पता चला कि यह बाधा इसलिए आती है क्योंकि ये मात्रा जिस व्यंजन से जुड़ती हैं उसके बाहिने ऑर रखना पड़ता है अर्थात यदि आपको मंदिर लिखना हो तो रोमन लिपि मैं आप : m a n d i r लिखते हैं किन्तु हिन्दी मैं इ कि मात्रा द के पहले आती है। इस का ध्यान माइक्रोसोफ्ट ने तो रख लिया किन्तु हमारा प्रिय ब्राउज़र मात खा गया :(। यदि कोई भला मानुष (या मानुषी) इसका उपाय जानता है तो हमे ज़रूर बताए

हिन्दी लिपि के वैसे तो अनेक फॉण्ट आते हैं पर यदि ये UTF format मैं लिखी जाये तो फॉण्ट फ़ाइल इंस्टाल करने की कोई ज़रूरत नही है।

(If the text is not comprehensible at all: in your browser window click View --> Character Encoding --> UTF 8)

Rakhi Savant and the League of Extraordinary Laydeej (to be read as Lay These)

In the societal sub consciousness (I lauv these heavy words) of Hindi Cinema (not Bollywood as I consider it denigrating epithet) many a leading ladies have left ever lasting impressions, those "sunehre parde ke chamakte sitare" and "lakhon ke dilon ki dhadkans". Like a neat NCERT history book the eons of Hindi cinema are divided amongst divas: Sridevi, Madhuri, Hema and other beautiful etceteras. Those were the days when a mangal sootra was a full stop in actress' reel life and one had to be politically correct in media. Some of the laydeej stood out without getting trapped in heroine-vamp cleave all the while exploring the twilight zone of amorality in principle and practice.

My attempt is to shift the limelight towards the not-so-politically-correct and in your face laydeej. Scandals, statements, hookups and sleaze are what they are associated with by popular perception and now so ubiquitous media. I won't backtrack too much down the memory lane. Few such laydeej come to my mind right now. Mamta Kulkarni, Pooja Bhatt, Mallika Sherawat and last but not least Rakhi Savant who gave her iconic statement at KJo's: "Jo bhagwaan nahi de sakta wo doctor deta hai". Surely there have been laydeej before this who had sizzled the screen with a lot of oomph (and aahs and ouches also) but to my mind these come to the fore.

Mamta Kulkarni started it all by kicking some [NSFW*] dirt in star dust [NSFW] cover. She drew the naree kalyan samaaj wommans towards entertainment industry. Antics off the stage were aplenty. Allegedly (not by vishwaniya sutr but allegedly) she was swimming in two piece bikini in a hotel's pool. When informed by manager that only single piece attires where allowed the laydee came up with an innovative solution. Which one of them should I take off Mr. Manager! (flutter flutter, wink wink). I miss this laydee for the entire hullabaloo she could raked up at the drop of a hat or other pieces of clothing. Be it 'zeher hai ki pyar hai tera chumma' with Akshay jhatka Kumar or checking her anatomy in mirror (Karan Arjun, remember Rakhi crying hoarse - 'Mere bete ayenge' in an infinite loop) she was considered archetype of debauchery in popular media. In a private function of Bihar legislators allegedly (again) the hosts played cards on her body laid on table (which game was it babua? Poke her?). Confrontation with Raj Kumar Santoshi in China Town was the last I heard of her before she went in oblivion. Incidentally the item song in the movie picturised on Urmila was used in Moulin Rogue! Any comments on her latest whereabouts would be deeply appreciated (Koi Jaye to Le Aye Meri Lakh Duayen Paye ...).

Pooja Bhatt had it all, looks to kill and cheap thrills plus a big daddy for home made videos (err movies). She made libertine out of women liberation. Her [NSFW] lip lock with daddy was not taken in the right taste by the righteous junta. No one could appreciate her penchant for . Somewhere she went out of all the attention to resurface for directorial debut in an erotica aptly named Jism. Though she was much derided for her 'bold' image she was never an outcast or denigrated like Mallika or Rakhi. The image of a wild child was brilliantly portrayed until Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility took over. The other Pooza, Bedi Bebi that is had her fair share of eyeballs with Kamasutra's nirodh condom. Who can forget the bubble gum popping femme fatale as Amir Khan's juvenile fantasy in Jo Jeeta Wahi Sikandar.

The void created by their departure seemed to be partially filled by few babes who fizzled out, became leading ladies or the cliched sex symbols. They could not manage the art of shock and awe. After Rangeela, all that we had of Urmila kapde-mat-od-kar were nervous twitches and horrendous facial contortions in intense scenes. Bipasha with her husky voice and dusky complexion took up the cause of fairer but not so fair sex. Her non committal statements with John and Dino Morea (is he the evolutionary march of Dino saurs? He too shall get eliminated in natural selection) has become common place and has found no takers. Caress-Mah Kapoor made tectonic shift from frilly skirts to minis. Her innings with Chhi-Chhi was shortlived.but she took her bow at the pinnacle of her career not before becoming too arty, farty. Malaikha Arora Khan with her lustrous thighs seems she invented the idea of item girls. Limiting her appearance she is smug with her hubby. Surely there were controversies, hookups, cat fights, breakups but they where all rumors by some arbit birdie twittering in tinsel town. No one endorsed the birdie so it became extinct.

Not until dare devil laydee from tau's Haryana - Mallika Sherawat came to foray with a bang, seventeen kisses and call-spade-a-spade attitude (Khwahish, I went to watch that despite being down with fever, pop goes the pill) and enough of sound bytes for every one to gorge. She took the horny bull of audience by the horns. No doubt news channels should give her some token of appreciation for all the business she generated. I distinctively remember Star News (which has become schizophrenic after NDTV left them) was showing arrival of a mysterious burqa clad woman amongst a bunch of stars in Mumbai airport. And the sheer brilliance of the correspondent who solved unveiled the secret. It was Mallika Sherawat, Voila! All of this on prime time slot amongst stories of cricket, terrorism, Soniye and Manmoniye.

Studio Pravakta: Kya kaaran thaa jo unko burqa pehen ke ana pada, jaisa ki aap humari footage main dekh sakte hain ki mallika ko ruphale parde pe anga pradarshan karne se koi parhej nahi hai phir wo kya waja thee jiske kaaran unko aisa kadam uthana pada.
(Screen shows umpteen shots of her in itsy bitsy teeny weeny clothes repeated ad nauseam). Aaj humare saath studio main Satpaal ji maujood hain.
Satpaal ji kya maanana hai apka
Iske peechee kiska haath ho sakta hai.

Satpal (A studio rat whose only exposure to sun is by gawking at weather forecast lady): Jee footage main to nazar nahi aa raha hai
par meri tammana to yahee hai ki inke peechhe mera haath hota!

Studio Pravakta: Errr, umm, uh uh uh.
Aap mallika ji ka ye gana dekhiye, milte hain break ke us paar.

Her detractors created much of slander against her. Having a degree in philosophy and being air hostess would have added much to her age they say. My dear friends I say you might have misled yourself. It would have been phallus-sophy or knowledge of the phallus! How hard is it to learn it for this amazon womman. After a lot of myth and mirth the queen bee seems to be letting her hair down for a while. There were some rumors about

And then there was Rakhi Savant. From court cases of indecency to stereotypical jokes by K-Jo’s pretentious fairy friends she had it all until she made the debut. People say she is not intelligent even when she has dual core silicone processors custom made for her (Did she get rid of it? What gigahertz was it running on?). Daring to speak her mind and raring to displaying her body of work (or work of body) she epitomizes chutzpah. The politically correct, convent bred brats and babes get flustered by her persona. Starting with item numbers she became a brand and industry. Mika (who claims Himass baba swept the nasal twang from under his nose) had a taste of limelight and an album all because of this laydee. Sony’s Bigg Boss had a blast because her jo-mere-man-main-hai-wahi-mere-moonh-main-hai attitude. Not to talk of dumb witted Great Indian Laughter Challenge contestants who have a human touch to canned laughter named Siddhu.

GuruUuUuU, billi sher ki mausi hai
Lucknow ke paas amausi hai

Har kaali peeli cheez taxi nahi hoti
Har item girl Rakhi si saxy nahi hoti!

(Please either read this really aloud or increase decibel level of your inner voice while silently reading this to get full effect)


*NSFW = Not Safe For Work

Coup Mandook

Parvez the Prez has spoken after Amrikka's Negroponte came knock knock knocking on Mushy's door (errrr where is the Rice cooking?). His plan to take his style statement from Multan to Milano is quashed. (them angrez perverts want me to take off my uniform, such kinky rascals! ok ok just this one time, can we make it fast). So people are again chained to seats. Will Mushy babe solve the su do coup?

Mushy gave an apt gift on the eve of Children's day. (Come on kiddoze an educational trip to jail for you. Who wants the third degree?) And the good sportsman he is, the hide and seek between him and Imran Khan ended in a Gotcha moment a lot of home videos made by the cricket stal-wart (surprisingly there was no ads of Chintoo Candy prevalent in pirated movie CDs from Karachi).

We have to see whether the mandook(frog) can come out of his koop(well) that he has created for himself. He is giving typical signs of a despot-in-decline by identifying himself with the country and vice versa. Purrvez's relation with Uncle Shyam (Got this phrase from Hari) are getting more obvious, not that we didn't know. Musharraf is giving a nifty potboiler with a lot of emotions and action packed drame with babe (Bhutto), stud (Imran) and buffoon (Shareef). Ek anar, chaar bimaar.

Probably he can come to India to make a movie with Mahesh Butt with some random chick and a pseudo random hunk (read Emran Hashmi not to be confused with Hasmi dawakhana) on an inspired plot 'ek fool teen mali'. A love quadrangle starring Bhutto, Shareef, Imran and Musharraf, but at the end it would be Suuny Paa-ji who would solve the problem by a hand pump.

Kya hota hai jaanane ke liye aaj hi jaye apne paas ke CDwallah ke paas

Su do - Coup

Now that mush has gone mushy mushy with his little toy land we have to know what does Bushy think! Instead it was Condolezza Rice who gave a neutral and aloof answer to the whole drama. (Some one joked that Rice would turn to a big Dosa in her grave due to fermentation)

Some people had an cynical smirk (errr dude wasn't Mush doing that stuff already? What did he do now?). It made me realize 8 [/9] years ago I was sitting in a barber's shop going to grab the Filmfare (whatever glitzy film mag he kept, I love these barber visits because all of them keep one such mag and it pisses me off to wait without them they are kind of equivalent of free peanuts in American flights) that some obscure General in a bollywoodesque thriller has grabbed the toy land from Nawaz not-so-Shareef. I thought kool man, some serious ass kicking going on (I am still wondering no one takes this as a movie script idea). It also made me realize just like Hindi cinema potboilers this stuff is going on and on. Audience is bored of item numbers , revenge story and dhishum-dhishum fight scenes. Even the frequent trips to the loo are not helping yet the movie promises to have a great climax so they are clinging on to the tickets.

As the puntastic title of the blog suggests managing army, jihadis, Bush, judiciary, pet, political opponents and at last the public is like a su do ku problem. All the numbers have to be placed at the right place under constraints. If at the start you place a number at random out of free will or folly it becomes hard to backtrack later when you know you did a mistake (Mushy: Yikes what will Bushy think of me, and these unkempt pyjama-chhaps don't know anything about style statements, they dont have any dressing sense, I should be strutting my stuff in Lycra Style awards) Will Mushy babe solve the su do coup? Will he make it to Time Su Do Coup challenge or will he follow his elder dictators? For now "milte hain is break ke us paar"

Koffee with Kafka

In a Kafkaesque moment for Lakshmana the innocent techie was put under bars for defaming Shivaji. 'Shivaji who?' was the question he asked and pat came the reply 'Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj you bozo!'. ('I never met him! What is his email id? Is he available on orkut?'. 'Orkut ya thats what those chircut's said, you are under arrest').

The policewallahs tracked the ipaddress to his home tipped off by Lakshmana's Internet Service Provider (ISP) of defamation in orkut community. I can imagine these state sponsored goons come into action when political masters say 'shoo, get fetch him boy, aaaaah good boy' or 'go nab someone for me instead of a fetching newspaper today' Reading through the article at his point I thought they might be trying to find street address, pincode and all in the ipaddress let alone the cryptic 'crosses' and 'mains' popular in Namma-Bengaluroo so might have landed at the wrong place.

The gruesome ordeal Lakshmana K. had to go through was shrugged off by these cyber-illiterate cops through an irritating, irresponsible, condemnable comment: "We made a mistake, so what" that too coming from a senior police officer. Meaning "We had just put some guy behind bars for 50 days, look we played fair, it was just a random thing it would have been your next door neighbour or even you, you see. It is our duty to put people behind bars, there are so many of them, it is good to keep the cells engaged you know. A little bit of jail boosts your moral and our appraisal too"

Halfway through I made uncanny resemblance of Mr. Lakshmana K's plight to that of Joseph K protagonist of Franz Kafka's dark story 'The Trial'

Though we are becoming cyber-aware but the people sitting high a top don't know a thing about computers, probably checking emails thats it. It is this same ignorance and a systemic stupidity we had a blanket ban on all blogs throughout the country! ('Its for those IT kids to know, to do computers, God knows what do they do sitting in front of monitors, in our good old days the typewrite was enough')

The interesting part to look for is will the ISP concerned give a verbal/written apology in person or public or provide some compensation ('Probably an offer/scheme! Pay some insane amount of money and we won't tell them what and whom you did last summer') or just another automated kasht-mar care reply ('welcome to rambharose ISP service, press 1 to get behind bars, press 2 to contact your friendly neighborhood cop,')?