Jodha Yuckbar

Now I am all ears and eyes for a historic retelling of yonder age epics if done in a good 'taste'. Mr. Gowarikar's movie paints Mr. Jalaal in modern color. That too is acceptable but to make him a caricature of liberal, democratic, peace loving, metro sexual, secular, benevolent king straight out of Nandan kids magazine stretches the point a little too far.

I would accept that too but then to go on and make a drab story written as if a school boy has to fill pages in a subjective exam where need of the hour is to give at least 12 points in answer to a six marks questions. "How Akbar met Jodha and how he deflowered her" is one line summary of this epic. You might need it in your next board exams so take notes bummer.

It is like Gobhi Manchurian served in Bangalore's eateries. The only similarity recipe has with anything remotely Chinese is a certain Gobi desert somewhere northwards. Mr. Gowarikar uses clichés to pepper this tasteless Moghlai dish:

* Husband's Health?: Go pray in front of gawd and wait for the song to end and wait for divine providence to shine through beautiful window. But wait, where are the clanging bells? And lashing rains? Sure you could have some lightning too. Atleast she could have banged her forehead at the mandir-ki-chaukhat if you could have allowed her

* Babe acting pricey?: Show some brawns with a sword to turn her on. Still no luck. Invite her for a sword fight [ahem, ahem], let things get a little sultry and ..... oh the maid interrupted (Jalaal's thought bubble: "ménage à trois? [winky] [winky] no sen-sooar board will not be able to digest this, forget it will take her some other day. bourgeoisie b*&^h"). Nothing prevails give a pro poor budget and win her back ("Hmm it is politics that turns her on").

* Mahamanga's kahaani ghar ghar ki antics never worked because she did not think aloud like saas bahu vamps. I can't recall that serial in which some lady in a throaty, husky voice would should 'Nikkaa' at appearance of vamp. Mahamanga lacked the kilos of makeup too.

* Extended end fight which seemed like Dandiya Raas. The clichés should not be tampered with. No car chases? Have some horses some camels thrown around and you get clincher of a climax.

* Death in beloved arms: Let all the parties converge at single point and all wet complaints 'geele shikwe' get resolved. "Hum tumhe samajh na paye sumermal... Bhaisaaa..., jodhaaa...". But where was the melodrama? It should have been something like this:

J: "Bhaisa aap hume yun chhod ke nahi ja sakte"
J: "Keh dijiye ki ye jhooth hai. Ek bhadda mazaak"
J: "Aap tomato sauce laga ke aye hain, kahiye na"
S: "main ja raha hoon jodha..... jalaal jodha ka dhyan rakhiyega, bade nazon se pala hai ise"
S: "Dekh behna maine ab tak teri rakhi apni kalai main baandh rakhi hai apni Timex ke saath"

(Readers are requested to play a melancholic veena at the background when reading the above dialogues)

Overall I think Yuckbar should have done following additional to what Mr. Gowarikar made him do:

* Worn red ribbon to support the cause against AIDS
* Decriminalized homosexuality
* Brought Uniform civil code
* Issued decree to punish any one caught farting in public (it causes global warming jahaan panaa)