Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Rakhi Savant and the League of Extraordinary Laydeej (to be read as Lay These)

In the societal sub consciousness (I lauv these heavy words) of Hindi Cinema (not Bollywood as I consider it denigrating epithet) many a leading ladies have left ever lasting impressions, those "sunehre parde ke chamakte sitare" and "lakhon ke dilon ki dhadkans". Like a neat NCERT history book the eons of Hindi cinema are divided amongst divas: Sridevi, Madhuri, Hema and other beautiful etceteras. Those were the days when a mangal sootra was a full stop in actress' reel life and one had to be politically correct in media. Some of the laydeej stood out without getting trapped in heroine-vamp cleave all the while exploring the twilight zone of amorality in principle and practice.

My attempt is to shift the limelight towards the not-so-politically-correct and in your face laydeej. Scandals, statements, hookups and sleaze are what they are associated with by popular perception and now so ubiquitous media. I won't backtrack too much down the memory lane. Few such laydeej come to my mind right now. Mamta Kulkarni, Pooja Bhatt, Mallika Sherawat and last but not least Rakhi Savant who gave her iconic statement at KJo's: "Jo bhagwaan nahi de sakta wo doctor deta hai". Surely there have been laydeej before this who had sizzled the screen with a lot of oomph (and aahs and ouches also) but to my mind these come to the fore.

Mamta Kulkarni started it all by kicking some [NSFW*] dirt in star dust [NSFW] cover. She drew the naree kalyan samaaj wommans towards entertainment industry. Antics off the stage were aplenty. Allegedly (not by vishwaniya sutr but allegedly) she was swimming in two piece bikini in a hotel's pool. When informed by manager that only single piece attires where allowed the laydee came up with an innovative solution. Which one of them should I take off Mr. Manager! (flutter flutter, wink wink). I miss this laydee for the entire hullabaloo she could raked up at the drop of a hat or other pieces of clothing. Be it 'zeher hai ki pyar hai tera chumma' with Akshay jhatka Kumar or checking her anatomy in mirror (Karan Arjun, remember Rakhi crying hoarse - 'Mere bete ayenge' in an infinite loop) she was considered archetype of debauchery in popular media. In a private function of Bihar legislators allegedly (again) the hosts played cards on her body laid on table (which game was it babua? Poke her?). Confrontation with Raj Kumar Santoshi in China Town was the last I heard of her before she went in oblivion. Incidentally the item song in the movie picturised on Urmila was used in Moulin Rogue! Any comments on her latest whereabouts would be deeply appreciated (Koi Jaye to Le Aye Meri Lakh Duayen Paye ...).

Pooja Bhatt had it all, looks to kill and cheap thrills plus a big daddy for home made videos (err movies). She made libertine out of women liberation. Her [NSFW] lip lock with daddy was not taken in the right taste by the righteous junta. No one could appreciate her penchant for . Somewhere she went out of all the attention to resurface for directorial debut in an erotica aptly named Jism. Though she was much derided for her 'bold' image she was never an outcast or denigrated like Mallika or Rakhi. The image of a wild child was brilliantly portrayed until Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility took over. The other Pooza, Bedi Bebi that is had her fair share of eyeballs with Kamasutra's nirodh condom. Who can forget the bubble gum popping femme fatale as Amir Khan's juvenile fantasy in Jo Jeeta Wahi Sikandar.

The void created by their departure seemed to be partially filled by few babes who fizzled out, became leading ladies or the cliched sex symbols. They could not manage the art of shock and awe. After Rangeela, all that we had of Urmila kapde-mat-od-kar were nervous twitches and horrendous facial contortions in intense scenes. Bipasha with her husky voice and dusky complexion took up the cause of fairer but not so fair sex. Her non committal statements with John and Dino Morea (is he the evolutionary march of Dino saurs? He too shall get eliminated in natural selection) has become common place and has found no takers. Caress-Mah Kapoor made tectonic shift from frilly skirts to minis. Her innings with Chhi-Chhi was shortlived.but she took her bow at the pinnacle of her career not before becoming too arty, farty. Malaikha Arora Khan with her lustrous thighs seems she invented the idea of item girls. Limiting her appearance she is smug with her hubby. Surely there were controversies, hookups, cat fights, breakups but they where all rumors by some arbit birdie twittering in tinsel town. No one endorsed the birdie so it became extinct.

Not until dare devil laydee from tau's Haryana - Mallika Sherawat came to foray with a bang, seventeen kisses and call-spade-a-spade attitude (Khwahish, I went to watch that despite being down with fever, pop goes the pill) and enough of sound bytes for every one to gorge. She took the horny bull of audience by the horns. No doubt news channels should give her some token of appreciation for all the business she generated. I distinctively remember Star News (which has become schizophrenic after NDTV left them) was showing arrival of a mysterious burqa clad woman amongst a bunch of stars in Mumbai airport. And the sheer brilliance of the correspondent who solved unveiled the secret. It was Mallika Sherawat, Voila! All of this on prime time slot amongst stories of cricket, terrorism, Soniye and Manmoniye.

Studio Pravakta: Kya kaaran thaa jo unko burqa pehen ke ana pada, jaisa ki aap humari footage main dekh sakte hain ki mallika ko ruphale parde pe anga pradarshan karne se koi parhej nahi hai phir wo kya waja thee jiske kaaran unko aisa kadam uthana pada.
(Screen shows umpteen shots of her in itsy bitsy teeny weeny clothes repeated ad nauseam). Aaj humare saath studio main Satpaal ji maujood hain.
Satpaal ji kya maanana hai apka
Iske peechee kiska haath ho sakta hai.

Satpal (A studio rat whose only exposure to sun is by gawking at weather forecast lady): Jee footage main to nazar nahi aa raha hai
par meri tammana to yahee hai ki inke peechhe mera haath hota!

Studio Pravakta: Errr, umm, uh uh uh.
Aap mallika ji ka ye gana dekhiye, milte hain break ke us paar.

Her detractors created much of slander against her. Having a degree in philosophy and being air hostess would have added much to her age they say. My dear friends I say you might have misled yourself. It would have been phallus-sophy or knowledge of the phallus! How hard is it to learn it for this amazon womman. After a lot of myth and mirth the queen bee seems to be letting her hair down for a while. There were some rumors about

And then there was Rakhi Savant. From court cases of indecency to stereotypical jokes by K-Jo’s pretentious fairy friends she had it all until she made the debut. People say she is not intelligent even when she has dual core silicone processors custom made for her (Did she get rid of it? What gigahertz was it running on?). Daring to speak her mind and raring to displaying her body of work (or work of body) she epitomizes chutzpah. The politically correct, convent bred brats and babes get flustered by her persona. Starting with item numbers she became a brand and industry. Mika (who claims Himass baba swept the nasal twang from under his nose) had a taste of limelight and an album all because of this laydee. Sony’s Bigg Boss had a blast because her jo-mere-man-main-hai-wahi-mere-moonh-main-hai attitude. Not to talk of dumb witted Great Indian Laughter Challenge contestants who have a human touch to canned laughter named Siddhu.

GuruUuUuU, billi sher ki mausi hai
Lucknow ke paas amausi hai

Har kaali peeli cheez taxi nahi hoti
Har item girl Rakhi si saxy nahi hoti!

(Please either read this really aloud or increase decibel level of your inner voice while silently reading this to get full effect)

*NSFW = Not Safe For Work

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Coup Mandook

Parvez the Prez has spoken after Amrikka's Negroponte came knock knock knocking on Mushy's door (errrr where is the Rice cooking?). His plan to take his style statement from Multan to Milano is quashed. (them angrez perverts want me to take off my uniform, such kinky rascals! ok ok just this one time, can we make it fast). So people are again chained to seats. Will Mushy babe solve the su do coup?

Mushy gave an apt gift on the eve of Children's day. (Come on kiddoze an educational trip to jail for you. Who wants the third degree?) And the good sportsman he is, the hide and seek between him and Imran Khan ended in a Gotcha moment a lot of home videos made by the cricket stal-wart (surprisingly there was no ads of Chintoo Candy prevalent in pirated movie CDs from Karachi).

We have to see whether the mandook(frog) can come out of his koop(well) that he has created for himself. He is giving typical signs of a despot-in-decline by identifying himself with the country and vice versa. Purrvez's relation with Uncle Shyam (Got this phrase from Hari) are getting more obvious, not that we didn't know. Musharraf is giving a nifty potboiler with a lot of emotions and action packed drame with babe (Bhutto), stud (Imran) and buffoon (Shareef). Ek anar, chaar bimaar.

Probably he can come to India to make a movie with Mahesh Butt with some random chick and a pseudo random hunk (read Emran Hashmi not to be confused with Hasmi dawakhana) on an inspired plot 'ek fool teen mali'. A love quadrangle starring Bhutto, Shareef, Imran and Musharraf, but at the end it would be Suuny Paa-ji who would solve the problem by a hand pump.

Kya hota hai jaanane ke liye aaj hi jaye apne paas ke CDwallah ke paas

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Su do - Coup

Now that mush has gone mushy mushy with his little toy land we have to know what does Bushy think! Instead it was Condolezza Rice who gave a neutral and aloof answer to the whole drama. (Some one joked that Rice would turn to a big Dosa in her grave due to fermentation)

Some people had an cynical smirk (errr dude wasn't Mush doing that stuff already? What did he do now?). It made me realize 8 [/9] years ago I was sitting in a barber's shop going to grab the Filmfare (whatever glitzy film mag he kept, I love these barber visits because all of them keep one such mag and it pisses me off to wait without them they are kind of equivalent of free peanuts in American flights) that some obscure General in a bollywoodesque thriller has grabbed the toy land from Nawaz not-so-Shareef. I thought kool man, some serious ass kicking going on (I am still wondering no one takes this as a movie script idea). It also made me realize just like Hindi cinema potboilers this stuff is going on and on. Audience is bored of item numbers , revenge story and dhishum-dhishum fight scenes. Even the frequent trips to the loo are not helping yet the movie promises to have a great climax so they are clinging on to the tickets.

As the puntastic title of the blog suggests managing army, jihadis, Bush, judiciary, pet, political opponents and at last the public is like a su do ku problem. All the numbers have to be placed at the right place under constraints. If at the start you place a number at random out of free will or folly it becomes hard to backtrack later when you know you did a mistake (Mushy: Yikes what will Bushy think of me, and these unkempt pyjama-chhaps don't know anything about style statements, they dont have any dressing sense, I should be strutting my stuff in Lycra Style awards) Will Mushy babe solve the su do coup? Will he make it to Time Su Do Coup challenge or will he follow his elder dictators? For now "milte hain is break ke us paar"

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Koffee with Kafka

In a Kafkaesque moment for Lakshmana the innocent techie was put under bars for defaming Shivaji. 'Shivaji who?' was the question he asked and pat came the reply 'Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj you bozo!'. ('I never met him! What is his email id? Is he available on orkut?'. 'Orkut ya thats what those chircut's said, you are under arrest').

The policewallahs tracked the ipaddress to his home tipped off by Lakshmana's Internet Service Provider (ISP) of defamation in orkut community. I can imagine these state sponsored goons come into action when political masters say 'shoo, get fetch him boy, aaaaah good boy' or 'go nab someone for me instead of a fetching newspaper today' Reading through the article at his point I thought they might be trying to find street address, pincode and all in the ipaddress let alone the cryptic 'crosses' and 'mains' popular in Namma-Bengaluroo so might have landed at the wrong place.

The gruesome ordeal Lakshmana K. had to go through was shrugged off by these cyber-illiterate cops through an irritating, irresponsible, condemnable comment: "We made a mistake, so what" that too coming from a senior police officer. Meaning "We had just put some guy behind bars for 50 days, look we played fair, it was just a random thing it would have been your next door neighbour or even you, you see. It is our duty to put people behind bars, there are so many of them, it is good to keep the cells engaged you know. A little bit of jail boosts your moral and our appraisal too"

Halfway through I made uncanny resemblance of Mr. Lakshmana K's plight to that of Joseph K protagonist of Franz Kafka's dark story 'The Trial'

Though we are becoming cyber-aware but the people sitting high a top don't know a thing about computers, probably checking emails thats it. It is this same ignorance and a systemic stupidity we had a blanket ban on all blogs throughout the country! ('Its for those IT kids to know, to do computers, God knows what do they do sitting in front of monitors, in our good old days the typewrite was enough')

The interesting part to look for is will the ISP concerned give a verbal/written apology in person or public or provide some compensation ('Probably an offer/scheme! Pay some insane amount of money and we won't tell them what and whom you did last summer') or just another automated kasht-mar care reply ('welcome to rambharose ISP service, press 1 to get behind bars, press 2 to contact your friendly neighborhood cop,')?