Ye kya ho raha hai

I was caught in a "Ye kya ho raha hai beta duryodhan" moment. Yes the Hindi mythological cinematic equivalent of WTF (you have to watche Jane bhi do yaro umpteenth time to understand that). Off and on I used to check sitemeter statistics of my blog and get amused by weird search keywords people use and how one or the other of my blog posts come up as search result for unrelated keywords. No stellar or spectacular feat but amusing yes. Some posts on Hindi cinema lyrics, Rakhi Savant (interestingly savant means a scholar).

What compelled me to write this post was a yahoo search from a Pakistani ISP and the keywords were peshab ki pic (Pictures of Urine). My post which comes as the 4th (and 5th also!) result is actually a rant about Orkut and only last two of the three keywords match with the post content and comments.

Even if I consider imperfections of search engine algorithms and factor in that some people get blog hits out of retro sleaze, what I can not fathom is what compelled the person to search for photographs of urine on internet!

* Does it (the searcher) wants to check if its color of pee is normal?
* Or it has never urinated in its life and wants to know how it looks
* Some strange fetish (I do not want to venture in this line of thought)

So here I end my post and I plea yahoo people to redirect such freaks somewhere else

Pro Crass tination

Heavy snow beating down the city, awake at 0200 hrs, inevitable barrage of examinations (that word makes me imagine being under a microscope) of the author and he still finds reasons to procrastinate studies time and again. Few things you realize during exams:

* The den needs cleaning
* Garbage needs to be thrown out
* You need a nice pen even before you flip the first page so off you go to buy a nice one
* Can not work without a coffee

And now the blog.

Living near and moving around a wide variety of international students I have came across many non-Indian people with a healthy curiosity in India (rare are the chronic cases of Indophilia). Exchange of cultural exchanges ensues after acquiring acquaintance over different dinner or visit to a friend's place. Some cliched and stereotypical topics always come up:

* Hindi Cinema (referred to the derogatory name: Bollywood)
- The heroine has to change 17 dresses in a song sequence
- Couple get teleported to and from Switzerland instantaneously
- Couple break into song n dance at the drop of the hat

Now to this I do not have any answer, this is an existential question. How the hell can a fish tell a well frog why is sea water salty hence I can not explain why Amitabh Bachchan used to kill the villain after eating all his bullets.

* Indian Food
- spicy
- the better ones might know : chicken tikka masala, naan, biryani
- weird non vegetarians : pork, beef, fish, eggs (theoretically 2 raised to the power of 4 = 16 combinations)

* Kamasutra
- No they do not teach Kamasutra at school there would be a riot if it were to happen
- No every Indian is not an expert in it
- AFAIK it is not a manual to achieve the big O (frankly told to a couple who gave a knowing smile to each other)

* Gods
- Yea there is a plethora of Gods in India
- They dance, play, romance, fight, take human form and what not
- I know it is complex, probably you can do a master thesis on the list, for now take Brahma, Vishnu, Mahesh that will do

But what threw me off was one guy asked me about the mammilla (word changed for obvious reasons) song. Half baffled and half embarrassed I asked him to show it on youtube. I expected some sleazy rendition of a popular song or a bawdry parody but it turned out to be Sushmita Sen's Dilbar Dilbar song which got Buffalaxed to mammilla song. The poor soul all the while thought text presented in the video to be English translation of actual lyrics. I had a hard time conveying him the actual meaning amidst uncontrollable laughter. India and Indians are indeed queer, quirky but we are yet to reach that state of what should I call, I am out of words, perversion, insanity, masochism?

After having a hearty laugh I recollected the real great time I had with my friend Hari who introduced me to the funniest of all Indian Buffalaxed songs: Benny Lava quite a while ago.

Aag Jalni Chaahiye

आग जलनी चाहिए

- दुष्यंत कुमार


हो गई है पीर पर्वत सी, पिघलनी चाहिए,
इस हिमालय से कोई गंगा निकलनी चाहिए .

आज यह दीवार परदों की तरह हिलने लगी,
शर्त लेकिन थी की यह बुनियाद हिलनी चाहिए.

हर गली में, हर शहर में, हर नगर, हर गाँव में,
हाथ लहराते हुए हर लाश चलनी चाहिए .

सिर्फ़ हंगामा खड़ा करना मेरा मकसद नहीं ,
सारी कोशिश है की यह सूरत बदलनी चाहिए .

मेरे सीने में नहीं, तो तेरे सीने में सही
हो कहीं भी आग, लेकिन आग जलनी चाहिए.

Broken News: Obama became Prez

Readers are requested not to ask why I wrote this, to spare the horror let me explain and increase the post length. Every respectable blogger worth his bits and bytes has to blog about Obama and US Presidential race and try in vain to write something new. Since I do not have anything new to say, so let me just post.

(Readers are also request to comment worthless comments)

WordPlay

1984: The Big Brother is watching you
















2007: Did any watch Big Brother?

(not the TV series)

Welcome to Sajjanpur

In the world of crappy movies with double entendre and slap stick humor comes a breezy delight by the master craftsman Shyam Benegal. The ease at which he embeds the social message without messing with the story is awesome. Take for example when Kamla Kumharin informs Mahadev of her father's superstitious belief about getting epilepsy fits because of going to school you can clearly see the message but there is no protagonist here who metaphorically comes out of the screen and raises an important issue for other actors as well as audience to answer. To exemplify we have numerous examples of heroes giving lectures on kanoon, insaaf, samaaj, police etc, in court, in a crowd, police station where the movie veers from a narrative, a story towards a Charkha Dutt types one sided debate. The characters and there world strictly remain inside the screen in a world of there own. (I have this grouse with many of the movies that I liked e.g. RDB, Munnabhai series and ). To me it seems like breaking the fourth wall in a figurative way of speaking which has been used quite often in Hindi cinema. Other plagues like caste based politics, arm twisting of the law and goonda raj are also shown in a not so heavy manner.

The moment you feel there is nothing new happening in the world, the director zooms you out of the frame and you find you where embedded in a narrative. The comedy is subtle there is no Rajpal Yadav or Johnny Lever for you, though Johnny has a class of his own, a hackneyed one though. All the actors did awesome acting, at no time did I feel I was watching a petite Amrita Rao or Shreyas Talpade, it was Kamla Kumharin's and Mahadev's world I was peeking in to.

The protagonists are themselves not the innocent villagers - mehnati kisan, godhooli ki vela, ganv ki gori such stereotypes are kept out at bay . The shade of greys in Mahadev's characters are awesome, Kamla's role needed more dimensions as most of her role was reactive putting the onus on Shreyas.

The character and story of eunuch Munni is hilarious, bawdry yet grounded in reality and leaves an indelible mark on audiences mind. It is her/his/her/his quips at embarrassed Mahadev that steals the scenes. Do watch it with your friends and family :)

In Munni's own words: "Tikke ne khoob kiya, chaukke ne khoob kiya are panje ne khoob kiya, ki ayi ab munni ki baari"

Vichitra Kintu Satya (Strange but True)

Couple of desis waiting for a bus, talking boisterously in chaste Hindi in the heart of Switzerland, Zürich, late night and not even owl screeching to let you know there are other living beings. Zap comes a black, open roof sedan with a glistening head and old melodious Hindi movie song blaring out of his cell phone.

Hmm, looks an ofay, not a desi I thought. Must have listened to some songs by an Indian/South Asian friend and might have liked the melody but why the heck is has he stopped in the middle of the road on a deserted street, playing the music for strange desis on a bus stop!

"You might be liking the new, modern stuff" and he switched "O jane jaana" song by Atif and suddenly everyone participated in a half shocked, reserved, baffled, amused yet maintaining the distance.

"Old is gold" comes the cliched response from a desi and pat came the reply "But gold never goes old" and he zoomed past us. And all I could say was - Vichitra Kintu Satya (Strange but True)

Dil - The Mighty Heart

A careful observation and the secret for usage of the culinary reference 'Masala' to Indian Hindi cinema will unravel in front of your eyes like Mallicka Sherawat's dance sequence. The movie in question is archetype of 80s-90s Hindi cinema. DIL


"Ek chatak matak heroine le, usme jawani ka tadka laga de. Hero ka stud max hona zaroori hai. 2-4 tadakte bhadakte girl vs. boy college songs. Ab in dono ko pyar ke tel main garam hone ke liye dheemi aanch pe daal de. Jaise hi jawani, diwani, rawani halka laal rang pakad le, do dushman bapon ka tadka laga de. Aur haan isme side kicks, mimickry artist aur ugly ducklings swadanusar (according to taste) daal sakte hain. Tadka jor marte hi oopar se haalaat ki mirchi aur misunderstanding ka zeera chhidak de aur apki masala movie tayyar. Ek cheepad se theatre main serve kare aur dosto ya parivar ke saath enjwaayi kare"

The movie had all the essential elements of a 80s-90s hit. College boys with white 'campus' shoes. Girls in frilly frocks with puffed shouldered, boring harrowed professors teaching Ohm's law in big lecture theaters and yay Disco Dancing. The fathers (many a times pink with rage Saeed Jaffrey), never agreed with their siblings choice of soulmate and the leading couple had to rebel, that was until SRK wooed the entire family in DDLJ.

The depth in lyrics is hard to ignore. I am sure Raja (Amir) was studying biology by the way he described Madhu (Madhur Dickshit): khamba, patakhe ki ladi, shola, fuljhadi. He even delved in bioelectrical properties by giving Madhu's voltage characteristics! Watch for the moves in the song for a full body exercise with special emphasis for pot bellied uncles and aunties. Why go to VLCC and these health spas. Plug in Dil and move from six pack flabs to six pack abs.



Long before health tabloids discussed links between sleep disorder and heart problems our desi hero had described in beautiful verses (video link):

I don't get sleep, I don't get sleep, I don't get sleep

Someone go, find it and bring it
I don't know where my heart got lost
What my condition is, how can I tell you
Tossing and turning, I pass the night

Ask me, ask what my condition is
My condition is weak
No one can understand what ailment is affecting me
Someone go, find it and bring it

Oh heavens, what pain I have
The pain is very merciless
Sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me cry

I don't get sleep, I don't get sleep, I don't get sleep
I don't get rest, I don't get rest, I don't get rest

Other highlights of the movie (for sake of brevity in bullets):

• Definition of rape given by AK to MD. Something in which Indra delved in 'Ishq'
  
• Tribute to Dev Anand by Kishore Anand Bhanushali. This was his debut movie. Read this too
  
• Holding on to one's samskara. After winning a bout of boxing match against Ajitesh Irani. According to bet, AK had to kiss MD. After a tense moment, he shrugs her and say:

"Bachpan main mujhe sikhaya gaya thha ki airi gairi cheezon ko moonh nahi lagate!"

Random Trivia:

Ajitesh (Shakti the boxer in Dil) played her son on screen in Beta. His full name is Ajitesh Kumar Irani. Aruna and Indra Kumar are siblings.

Babloo mukherjee is son of Hindi cinema's best drunkard ever, the surname says it all: Keshto Mukherjee. And no Sushmita Mukherjee (Kitty, from TeleSerial Karamchand) is not KM's daughter

Another junior artiste, a college friend of Amir, appeared in KrackJack ad with Boman Irani as Krack and Jack.

Indra Kumar has a penchant of keeping one word movie names: Dhamaal, Masti, Mann, Ishq, Raja, Beta except for one 'Pyare Mohan'

(You might ask why the blog title: Dil - The Mighty Heart? Read Aam (the Common)

Let there be traffic lights

Vijay Sharma did it so should we, that is create a new God. Voltaire talked of necessity to invent God we Indians went ahead and created one using cinema. Jai Santoshi Ma might be the only instance in world cinema where a deity with new mythological stories was created and had such a popular following complete with rituals, rites etc.

Please do not mistake this post to be a proposal for 'Gulshan Kumar presents' movie or bhajan album with Anuradha Podwal . What I am looking for is to create a new God with newer powers. They say prehistoric man in awe of forces of nature used to find 'God' or a supreme being or power in phenomenon like rain, flood, lightening. Anthropomorphic forms came quite later to be followed by contract/faith based religion.

Coming exactly to the point I want to propose a new God (or Goddess to save me from woman empowerment devis) centered in the city of Banggalore (Bengaluru). He would be the God of Traffic - यातायातेश्वर (yaataayaateshwar) benevolence of without which no mortal can reach his destination by road! Yaataayaateshwar is a distant cousin of Yama, the God of Death. Yama incarnates as the mighty Yamaha (Oops was a secret code in another of Robert Langdon's adventure?) . He is also related to God of Time, the exact nature of which is known only to few scholars and researchers of Bangalore traffic vs time warps.

The guardian angles descend upon Earth in form of auto rickshaw drivers who plug themselves in every possible gap to ensure his wish is fulfilled. Unbeknown to them bike riders start riding on pavements because of his will. Traffic cops are the neo-Brahmins meditating at the nearest nukkad or pan shop discussing his divine providence amongst themselves away from the heathen unruly crowds. All that it takes is a few bucks for his blessings for drunken driving or driving without helmet, it is homage to him not a crime, those silly government babus what do they know. They call those green offering bribes!

Forget sava rupaye ka prasad or a trip to a shrine for this is an urban God who has no mercy for the meek. Rev up your engine and let your horns bark spouting paeans for him. Riders of Big or small vehicles, motor bike, car, scooty or even a 'mo-ped' do not bother, go ahead and sweat it out what are these governments to implement silly rules. If your faith in him is strong if your conviction is true then you shall prevail any skirmish or a battle when some non-believer tries to block your path all because of those three silly colored bulbs which are mere obstacles to test your faith.

So come on one and all and pay heed to the mighty यातायातेश्वर (yaataayaateshwar) and as Jim Morrison sang

Your hands upon the wheel.
Yeah, were going to the roadhouse,
Gonna have a real good-time.

Yeah, the back of the roadhouse,
Theyve got some bungalows.
Yeah, the back of the roadhouse,
Theyve got some bungalows.

They dance for the people
Who like to go down slow.

Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, all night long.

Trivia

Q: What is common between Vladimir Nobokov and Shakti Kapoor?
A: Auuuuu Lolita!

Ankush - A movie review

The distinguishing feature of the movie is neither brutal rape nor gruesome murders not even discourse given by four protagonists in court room but slow degeneration of a generation, bit by bit. Potential criminals are not made in accidental moments of hunger (read Rajesh Khanna's Roti) or personal revenge (read Agnipath) or concoction of the above (read Deewar) but are byproducts of alienation, unemployment, low societal status working on young psyche bit by bit.

The slow degradation starts when the credits end, showing rivalry over 'Ganesh Visarjan', a popular festival in Maharashtra. Their identity to external world is rooted in their own 'mohalla' (__wadhi ke launde). The gang fights and subsequent victories do not pull them in 'Alice in Gangsterland' myth of RGV (those have their own place) but the four loafers still remain in veranda of an empty house where street and home, shadow and sunlight abut. A symbol of being neither in safe, secure, comfortable zone of a house nor anonymous, isolated and mean streets. Each of their families or the absence of it shows lack of support but a spineless elder brother, old age spent mother, elder sister who uses illicit means for income are more of literal readings.

In terms of protagonist's development they did not become smuggler/criminal of international repute such as V.D. Chauhan in Agnipath. A common element in such mainstream movies of social discourse is transgression. Transgression from rural/town to metro runs parallel with ascendanc of protagonist. (Agnipath, Deewar, Namakhalaal, Muqaddar ka Siqandar. Wrongs to Kalia where done in Bombay but he was still a 'bhaiyya' unaccustomed to Bombay ways). Protagonists of Ankush lie within the social laboratory of Bombay mohallas/chawls (locality) in petri dish of the mohalla.

The difference between these four and gangster 'Sublaya' and shades of criminality elicit their decadence: saving a girl from eave teasing, hired hands to vacate an illegal tenant, gang rivalry skirmishes to picking up fight in frustrated state of mind to murder.

Another important aspect was protagonist repent illegal means not for ill mother (read Deewar) or confused parentage (read Parvarish) but outcome of their own violent means. They never get steeped into gutter of criminal world and their is no glorification of violence. In essence the tussle between evils of society are not directly mapped to personal revenge and question of what path should be taken is left unanswered just when audience where convinced taking law in one's own hand is the way to go(unlike Rang De Basanti).

Defining moment for me was when Shashi's (Madan Jain) brother distances him, Shashi finds relief in the fact that last barrier of family's respect is removed and his tussle between two worlds of employed middle class salaried men and criminal do-as-you-please is removed for he had been a trishanku all the while.

The role of social worker Manda and her grand mom and their discourses remain aloof from over utilized words of love, peace and non violence and are based on 'Shradhha' or trust (please correct me if I am wrong) which need not be about being religious. The debates are terse and clearly avoid hyperbole, action sequences are no novelty just that they do not carry AK47s or pistols always, some of them are quite long drawn. Music does not interfere with the narrative and in fact the prayer adds a lot to what movie tries to convey.

For a first movie N. Chandran showed a lot of maturity which unfortunately he could sustain only till Tezab which carries the same subtext as Ankush.

[Observation] SRK the gal stealer

It has been observed that Shah Rukh Khan's oeuvre has been taking another man's girl:

Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa: This is one of the cutest and heart felt movie I have seen coming out of SRK's stable, the rest are dud studs. Two boys fighting for ek aanaa (Are bhai mere paas ao chaar aana le lo). Though he tried hard SRK lost her to get Juhi Chawla at then end. Now we know more was yet to come.

Baazigar: 'Haar ke jeetne wale ko bazigar kehte hain' despite desperate measures from Sushant Ray [Inspector Karan] he could not have Kajol, neither did SRK but who cares about Sushant Ray.

Darr: Now this was hell of a creepy movie made by SRK and I am sure he could never out do himself, how could he with deep into all the chocolate romance and KJo . SRK gave new lease to crank callers and parents dreaded naming their girl child : K k K k iran. (Was this the start of K fantasy for KJo).

Anjaam: SRK vs MD. This was indeed a unique movie devoid of cloying romance, butterflies-in-her-eyes heroine. Madhuri was not some one's gal but what the hell SRK went for her and did not get her.

DDLJ: Simran was going to marry Kuljeet [Parmeet Sethi] no wonder heartbroken he went for Archana Puran Singh

Yes Boss: Bubbly Juhi Chawla was going for Sidharth Chaudhry [Aditya Puns-Choli]. SRK was even pataofying her for his boss but...

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: Now this time he took a long shot and took Sallu's gal yes Kajol right in the wedding ceremony and Sallu was more than happy to give her. Sallu a bird in hand is better than 2 in the bush they say. Or 'hath ko aya moonh na lagaya' as Crime Master Gogo [SuckThee Kapoor] said in Andaaz Apna Apna

DevDas [pronounced as Dev The Ass]: This was a movie where he lost the gal, went for her and then died at her doorstep. This indeed an out lier where he did not get the lady and still the movie was a hit

Chalte Chalte: In true SRK style he just walked away with Rani from Sameer [Jas Arora]. He proved he can get his gal back even when she left him post marriage

Kal Ho Na Ho: Though he himself did not take a gal away but SRK found his protégé in Saif giving him all the tricks for 'chhe din, ladki in'.

Paheli:SRK here was taking well his own girl! The ghost SRK took human SRK's gal. People who stayed alive till the end please let me know who got her?

Chak De: Well there was no other guy's girl for him but who cares he had his plate full

Om Shanti Om: Now ShantiPriya was even married to horse-on-dope-look-alike Arjun Ram-Pal [i.e. friends of uncastrated adult male sheep] but eventually got her in afterlife. Little known fact is that Sandhya [a.k.a Sandi] was my gal before she went away to Mumbai for that darned audition :( so that makes a double whammy.

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna [a.k.a. Kabhi Alvida Na Dekhna]: Love triangle? square? Forget all that try making the most complex polygon out of 4 points! Ever tried, I am sure you will get KANK. Well as with Paheli I could not finish the movie, some please let me know did SRK and Baby-AB got to swap their better halves?

I might have left few, readers are requested to add to the observation originating from my dear friend and room mate Asheesh Kumar.

Trivia: Does any one remember Yeh Lamhe Judaai Je (2004) between SRK and Raveena Tandon? Found this baffling entry in IMDB while doing 'research' for the post.

Summary:
90s saw the tectonic shift in guys n gals running away from house which was Amir Khan's forte [QSQT, Dil, Dil Hai ki Manta Nahi]. The rate drastically dropped after SRK's entry and soon it became fashionable even for straight-out-of-crib actors like Jimmy SherGill to come prancing in a wedding and take away the gal with family's consent. And stories did not end when hero and heroine fall in love / get married.

Jodha Yuckbar

Now I am all ears and eyes for a historic retelling of yonder age epics if done in a good 'taste'. Mr. Gowarikar's movie paints Mr. Jalaal in modern color. That too is acceptable but to make him a caricature of liberal, democratic, peace loving, metro sexual, secular, benevolent king straight out of Nandan kids magazine stretches the point a little too far.

I would accept that too but then to go on and make a drab story written as if a school boy has to fill pages in a subjective exam where need of the hour is to give at least 12 points in answer to a six marks questions. "How Akbar met Jodha and how he deflowered her" is one line summary of this epic. You might need it in your next board exams so take notes bummer.

It is like Gobhi Manchurian served in Bangalore's eateries. The only similarity recipe has with anything remotely Chinese is a certain Gobi desert somewhere northwards. Mr. Gowarikar uses clichés to pepper this tasteless Moghlai dish:

* Husband's Health?: Go pray in front of gawd and wait for the song to end and wait for divine providence to shine through beautiful window. But wait, where are the clanging bells? And lashing rains? Sure you could have some lightning too. Atleast she could have banged her forehead at the mandir-ki-chaukhat if you could have allowed her

* Babe acting pricey?: Show some brawns with a sword to turn her on. Still no luck. Invite her for a sword fight [ahem, ahem], let things get a little sultry and ..... oh the maid interrupted (Jalaal's thought bubble: "ménage à trois? [winky] [winky] no sen-sooar board will not be able to digest this, forget it will take her some other day. bourgeoisie b*&^h"). Nothing prevails give a pro poor budget and win her back ("Hmm it is politics that turns her on").

* Mahamanga's kahaani ghar ghar ki antics never worked because she did not think aloud like saas bahu vamps. I can't recall that serial in which some lady in a throaty, husky voice would should 'Nikkaa' at appearance of vamp. Mahamanga lacked the kilos of makeup too.

* Extended end fight which seemed like Dandiya Raas. The clichés should not be tampered with. No car chases? Have some horses some camels thrown around and you get clincher of a climax.

* Death in beloved arms: Let all the parties converge at single point and all wet complaints 'geele shikwe' get resolved. "Hum tumhe samajh na paye sumermal... Bhaisaaa..., jodhaaa...". But where was the melodrama? It should have been something like this:

J: "Bhaisa aap hume yun chhod ke nahi ja sakte"
J: "Keh dijiye ki ye jhooth hai. Ek bhadda mazaak"
J: "Aap tomato sauce laga ke aye hain, kahiye na"
S: "main ja raha hoon jodha..... jalaal jodha ka dhyan rakhiyega, bade nazon se pala hai ise"
S: "Dekh behna maine ab tak teri rakhi apni kalai main baandh rakhi hai apni Timex ke saath"

(Readers are requested to play a melancholic veena at the background when reading the above dialogues)

Overall I think Yuckbar should have done following additional to what Mr. Gowarikar made him do:

* Worn red ribbon to support the cause against AIDS
* Decriminalized homosexuality
* Brought Uniform civil code
* Issued decree to punish any one caught farting in public (it causes global warming jahaan panaa)

Radio Eff 'Em

People in Bang-galore esp. the code monkeys who are found in company provided vehicles to commute would relate to my rants better. What can you do sitting in a closed vehicle with fellow passengers whose social life is as dead as yours? Only topic of discussion can be speculation on infrastructure projects in Bangalore and project details of the organization that you just left behind a while ago.

Yea get alive with Radio Eff 'Em. "Radio FM [frequency] [channel name] [catch line]" is the template for their introduction together with a jingle to jangle your nerves. The shock treatment , in pavlovian manner, will make you salivate every time the RJ spouts the station name: "Radio One whatte fun" "Sakkath Haut Maga" "Station for fat-a-fat generation"

The claim purported by these agencies is that its all about music whereas music is the last thing in their minds. Now all of them have random people calling them to answer quizzes, place a song request. The most irritating ones are when these radio jockeys call people on their relatives or friends behest to pull boring hoaxes and making us privy to dazzled recipient's ignominy. Stoned happy go lucky jockeys seem to possess a cloying aura touching every one's soul through ears in a singsong manner. RJ Vasanti Hariprakash seemed an exception with some grey cells between ears instead of reverberating vacuum.

The channels do increase non-Kannada speaker's Kannada diction by a few words: Swalpa, Sakkath, Maga, Hedi (Madi is already on their tongue) but the spectrum of music that they cover is narrow like Bangalore's by lanes ("Rafi. Whooz this gruffy ruffy doode? Listen to sakkath haut suckeera!!"). Channels give endless rehash of same 'latesht' songs which listener would encounter soon in another channel. Forget oldies of yonder age when things where black n white there are many classic and even catchy number of 70s, 80s, 90s. What happened to them?

The idea for the post came when last night in my own cab I was browsing radio channels which was more like monkey testing. Thats when I accidentally visited AIR and suddenly time slowed down, noise outside seemed irrelevant and I could feel cool, moist air billowing from coolers of my old home in hot loo-ridden North Indian summers as I would tune radio at my home waiting for dinner to be served shouting at the fan of the gigantic cooler with no aim at communication. For the uninitiated there are kool acoustic effects produced if you shout near different part of the coolers. Thats what they do not teach in your engineering schools.

"Is gaane ki farmaish ki hai jabalpur se humare nanhe sathiyon ne jinka naam hai chunnu, munnu, pappu, raju, pinki aur sunita" "Geet ke bol likhe hain anjaan ne, mukhya awaaz hai kishore kumar ki aur ........." Wow it was so soothing compared to blaring private channels competing with traffic noise. And AIR plays the latesht numbers dyoode.


PS: BTW I was mulling over the tagline : "Musth maja madi" and thought what piece of unimportant junk it is. Just claiming to have fun might not be the best tag lines in the world. Then the truth hidden in vocabulary crypts dawned on me. Musth (with the mandatory hech at the end) is actually a little known English word meaning:

An annual phase of heightened sexual excitement in the males of certain large mammals (especially elephants); is associated with discharge from a gland between the eye and ear

Now did you gather it is a hidden comment on mammal discharges and not just a soulless play of word for yuppy generation and people say we lack sex education.

AurKuchh(Orkut) nahi chahiye mujhe

Now communication is a basic human necessity apart from roti, kapda aur makan (and zeenat aman). Researchers say humans can handle prolonged thirst and hunger but would go mad if left with no one to share their thoughts. From smoke signals to pigeons, from teligrams to emails, from Alex Bell to Anil Ambani, communications have come a long way.





Now social networking is empowering people to reach across boundaries and share their life with others. Any internet user worth his clicks has to have an orkut account (more so if you are Portugese, Brazilian or of Indian sub continent). Owned by Google and named at its creator: Orkut Büyükkökten (Please do not try to memorize the spelling or pronounce it and worst make dirty puns of the name. Move ahead with the post) it has captured imagination of a sizable number of users (To sound informed and kool visit the wiki page).

The users range from college/school friends who meet daily and go home to scrap to an old acquaintance in your alma mater to some random guy who saw you activity in an orkut community and lo behold half of humanity wants to be friends with you especially if you are hot looking female with a profile pic as your own.

Now Orkut has got two great features. Scrapbook and Message Inbox. Like a true engineer (I have a piece of paper that says so) I would explain you communication mechanism with diagrams and professional looking ones at that.

Scrapbook: It is like the wall in front of your house where friends can park their car in whatever manner they can and whenever they can and rest of the neighborhood knows who has payed you the visit. That is fine but it also allows:

• Stangers to relieve themselves of nature's call even if you put obnoxious warnings ("Yahaan peshab karna mana hai", "Dekho gadha m&$# raha hai")

• Promote their business ("Ek moje pe do joote free free, bhayankar chhoot, aaj hi aye.....")

• Protesters to put messages and slogans ("Dilli chalo", "XYZ ko apna mat daan karen")

• Cheesy advertisements ("___ rogi mile ya likhe Dr. Ashok/Hakeem Usmani ko")

Well the last ones are found on walls near railway tracks just outside city limits. Forget the stranges here is a sample scrapbook conversation with parenthesized thoughts of the scrap writer.

Fig 1

Message Inbox: Now in an innovative streak orkut people have extended the basic tenets of 'right to speech' to 'right to shout at the top of your voice in some one's ear and then give a loud burp too'. Fig 2

The barrage of mails pouring hard at your inbox satiates all your desires for communication and even if you are naive enough to start deleting the messages one after another, clicking as furiously as you can you know it is an attempt in vain, you will end up in Sisyphus' infinite loop.

Wait I just got pinged for some hot (scathing) profile pic, ttly dude (and dudettes)

Note: In Fig 2. The un-parenthesized parts are actual messages and parenthesized one's are the readers reaction. Do share your interesting experiences with orkut

Valentino Diwas

The problem with Valentino Diwas is that even if you are against it you have to profess it profusely

• It is just a fad
• It is a marketing pogrom
• Every day is a Valentino Diwas
• I do not believe in such days
• It is blatant westernization

Lauv is in the air or is it pollution

To sting and not bite

Now the English speaking media might deride it as kitsch but it is pure wholesome entertainment. Just like New 'Atta Maggi Rice' gives taste bhi health bhi. Go no further I am talking of common man's news cum entertainment channel 'Aaj Tak'. Now people who think they are too intellectual smirk at it being crass and carrying nothing informative and at the most gossip or flimsy stories. Complains range from the kind of language used to barrage of images and sounds thrown at audience to lower their intellect. What the critics miss is excellent product placement aimed at Indian market.


Let me elaborate. Visit a barber's shop if you are a male, a visit to shopping mall (any other chance to get a high from spending spree) if you are a lady or a nice social get together if you are either of the afore mentioned categories. A common thread amongst these would be banter. Indians have the habit of gossip and its modus operandi is different in different sections of society but it exists. There are some hidden connections between gossip, powers of brain and intolerance, unravel them here. Gossip is not only a networking mechanism but a stress buster. Is some one from the English media taking notes on this! I want this published tomorrow in your page-3 column titled 'Gossip a Stress Buster. Researchers have shown...'. a lot better than itch free pajamas and pain can alter brain.

Now that you my readers are convinced about +ve parts of gossip let us come to the +ve aspects of the new channel. Unlike DD who use unadulterated Hindi, Aaj Tak uses Hindustaniglish (Yes Hindustani = Hindi + Urdu and Hindustaniglish = Hindustani + English).

As wholesome entertainment is promised each aspect of people involved is covered. e.g. there rumor mills worked overtime on Hindi film actress Kareena Kapoor (aka Bebo) and Saif Ali Khan.

• Bebo never came on screen in a bikini, but she will do some exposure in an upcoming flick
  
• Saif is a rock star with this stint with rock band
  
• Saif has Bebo's name tattooed on his forearm
• Astrological charts gave a green signal
  
• Saif's kid was also shown fiddling with guitar with rock star like expressions.
  

Now the readers have to take a note these bullets are only a summary of 1 hour program. People are treated visually with clips to show Bebo and Chhote Nawab's histrionic skills, glam-amorous photos and Hindi movie songs relevant to the issue at hand (Mera Band bajwao song in this case where the protagonist talks of bachelorhood and a woman with red scarf).

To enrich the audience with scientific breakthroughs and latest findings Aaj Tak covered how dinosaurs became extinct because of mosquitos 'ate' them. For visual aid they even made an animated dinosaur getting devoured by a bunch of mosquitoes. How we learned laughter from Monkeys was also a humbling piece of research shared by your channel. Do they show Aaj Tak in Australia? I doubt.

Interviews with movers and shakers of the world like Rakhi Sawant (Video not available), Nisha Kothari by big daddy Prabhu Chawla. His incisive questions about 'Jhumroo' in 'Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag' her mannerisms gave new light to the discussion so I recommend whole heartedly to watch that video. For other celebs check youtube.

Now as guardians of the society it is a duty of a news channel to report any funny business going on. Two executives anal-yze the situation with incisive comments and an adrenaline (Or testoterones?) rush to set the mood('A:Darshak bahut betaab ho rahe honge Bebo ke baare main jaanane ke liye. B: Haan aap to apni seat se uchhal ke baahar hi aa gaye Mr. A').

Like an artists master stroke Aaj tak stung who sting. They exposed a racket of women being used for so called sting operations and even black mail. Aaj Tak dare devils met these girls and posed as industrialists, politicians etc. who wanted to carry out sting oeprations. Now if you know about 'Six Degrees of Freedom' and a claim that world is a small place because every one is connected to rest of the world by at most six links you would not be amazed at what Aaj Tak did. They found a hidden link between these industrialists and your own starlet Babe-O
(noticed the big O ;)). After a lot many breaks they finally revealed the truth. One of the girls of foreign origin named Kareena was caught on camera and then they showed:

Exhibit A: Parde ki Kareena (who was a spy in remake of Don, if you didn't get the connection)
Exhibit B: Asal zindagi ki Kareena (the foreigner in question)

Like answer to good old 'diff' questions in Indian schools subtle difference between the two exhibits where highlighted.

But the sting couple nights back was mother of all exposés. All the hidden links between Hindi cinema and Mafiosi were unraveled. McMohan explained clockworks of financial dealings, Monica Bedi gave her choice of leading man in her biopic: Salman and Sunny.
Aditya Puns-choli talking of SRK's masculinity, Lawrence D'Souza discussing about an attack made on him in 'Satya' style and music director Anwar discussing musical predilections of 'D' and in between would break into one his own songs. Manjrekar's conspiracy theory of Sanzu Baba's conversation with Bhai. All this gave a heady feeling that Ethen Hunt, Jason Bourne, James Bond can't give let alone Da Vinci Code or Sherlock Holmes.

To ye thhe SomeAchaar Aaj Tak, chatkare (aur khatti dakare) lete rahiye kal tak

Update: As I am typing this update at my home Aaj Tak is covering Sanjay Dutt's marriage with Manyata. The channel is all gaga with happiness. Shehnai in the background, pyrotechnics overlapped over the newly weds' photo-op. In true investigative spirit no stone is left unturned:

• Where should they visit for honeymoon.
  
• It is basant panchami today, an auspicious event for nuptials hence expert comments from a pundit ji is taken
• The logistic details of proceedings
• Her dance skills in Gangajal's item number: "Alhad Mast Jawani"
  
• Paste muses of Sanjay and their body of work

Some sound bytes

• Saj gaye Sanju
• Manyata Munna bhai ki
• Kaun hai manyata? Dilwanaz ya Dilnasheen?

Memetic Mutations

The young upwardly mobile junta in India has renewed old traditions especially a large class of youngsters who are:

* Graduates (or about to be)
* Can spout English
* Are Mathematically Able(If 3rd side of a triangle is 4th power of the factorial of 1st two, then How many legs does an average cow has?)
* Can Dream (Suits, Salary and Job to kill for)

If the 1st criterion is not yet resolved they are seen in dingy hostel rooms else in swanky clothes serving time in an organization which is committed to collaboratively enhance corporate opportunities to exceed customer expectations (Link).

The reader by now must have guessed it is the annual pilgrimage of MBA aspirants - The CAT yatra. Like a secret cult they have secret code words: GD, PI, Vocab, Quant, LR which people of the inner chambers know. When a member meets another one the password is "Tayyari kaisi chal rahi hai" or "Kaisa hua" replied by an encoded rant which only their ilk can decode.

"Lag gayi yaar"
"XYZ to phod raha hai"
"Uske itne aye, tere kitne aye"
"Is baar kitna solve kiya"
"Ye speed wala thha"
"Isme accuracy chahiye thhee"

Obviously how can the pilgrimage be without brief sojourns like T.I.M.E. or P.T. and numerous other coaching centers which assure the darshan. Through rigorous mediation and regular players held weekly en mass they cleanse their souls. Those who have faith and determination, the purest of the pure get moksha, nirvana, bliss and those who don't well "Baba bade dayalu hain"

ASCII Me

Thanks to Amit Agarwal I got the link of a kool tool to play for a while :)
ASCGen is a Windows app to convert images into ASCII text. The good part is it is a lot hassle free and gives you few options to tinker around.

To install it on your Windows machine you will need a .Net fix for older machines, as they claim comes with it default.

Have a look at my ASCII self.

गुगली गणित की

a: Research has shown that drinking beer can be good for health by improving digestion, hydrations and couple of other 'tions'. [Accompanied with link to a really low quality, run of the mill article by a popular web portal]

b: Yeah right! It suggests test was done on 25 students they didn't even bother to go beyond their department I guess. Aam ke aam aur guthliyon ke daam! Aye boyz lets haav sum beaah and run for the gawd damn sayks, gotta shauw sum vital staatistix. I would say the perfect work life balance

b: A cutting (no bleeding, slashing and decapitating) research has shown that birthdays are good for longevity! The more you have the longer you live

a: Yeah wacko, another research shows 2 comes after one in series of natural numbers.

This lead me to a diversion towards a geek book I had read titled 'Godel, Escher, Bach' by Douglas Hofstader. In it there is a part where he explains what those mathematicians lost in formal theory do when they are not performing compulsory chores of life.

Some guy named Peano (not it is not a misspelled Piano) did some break through work in this field. These blokes do some really ass kicking work using a snazzy sounding words like axiom, premise, intrinsic property. To deconstruct the crap this guy laid the foundation by propounding few axioms like:

0 is a natural number.
For every natural number n, S(n) is a natural number.
S is successor function so S(0) = 1 and 2 = S(S(0))

Now this might sound like a hyped Hindi Cinema flick gone dud like 'Roop ki Rani Choron ka Raja', 'Asoka' or recent 'Aja Nachle'. Talking of fundu mathematics and then saying 2 follows 1. Even my housemaid with limited knowledge of mathematics knows 2 comes after 1. And what is this business about S? Filling up your pages of thesis by larger font, line height and paragraph setting is different but ssseriously duude flooding it up with S is a lot to grasp. Sounds more like a precursor to Kta Kapoor or kRkakkekskhk kRkokskhkaknk.

Well it seems Peano's work was used by Godel to derail Hilbert's Program. The guy like a Bond movie's megalomaniacs wanted the mathematical world to be conquered [Not Safe for Work because you might go mad till you hit the full stop or bang your boss's head]. Like Sauron in Lotar (LoTR) wanted one ring to rule 'em all. Hilbert's grand scheme was to give some mathematical system which can prove all other mathematical systems (like boolean arithmetic, vector algebra etc etc all those things you hated in school/college). So our Bond like Mr. Godel gave Hilbert's medicine back to him by proving his shit can't prove his own shit (:-0, don't ask me further about this else i shall puke a lot of S's and greek symbols on you). Mathematicians cohabit their own little crazy world throwing conjectures, hypothesis, axioms and what not.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSShhhhhh.... koi hai!