Pyar ke Perspective

Hindi cinema lyrics have always pondered on the notions of Pyar, Ishq Mohabbat etc. lets look at some unique perspective from the eyes of our lyricist.

http://thequark.tumblr.com/post/217044941/pyar-ke-perspective

ChiLoPy

No it is not an exotic dish but Chichi, Lolo's song expressed in Python. On Desi's request here is the python code for the song "Saton Janam Tujhko Pate"

SWOT Analysis of Bharatiya Sanskriti

Go with the flowchart

A true test of Chichi Lolo fans. Look at the flow chart and find out which Chichi, Lolo song is it about?

http://thequark.tumblr.com/post/197369317/go-with-the-flowchart

Hint: The movie was directed by David Dhawan :D

Finite State Morons

Ever wondered how Indian National Media pounds on an issue which requires serious discussions but instead it resorts to politician bashing and blaming the "system". Or worthless issues become breaking news and length debates are carried on for example Rakhi Sawant's wedding and Shashi Tharoor's tweet controversy. Here is how I see it:

http://thequark.tumblr.com/

समलैंगिक कुक्कुर और बाबा बामदेव का उपचार (प्रहार)

सुनने में आया है की विदेश की कलाकारा geri haliwell के कुत्ते समलैंगिक निकले! तो अब आधुनिक ख्याल के लोग कहेंगे इसमे क्या बड़ी बात है | पर हमारी संस्कृति ये सब allow नही करती | समलैंगिकता एक विदेशी विकृति है और हमारी संस्कृति को खा जायेगी अगर इसको रोका न गया| दरअसल भारतीय संस्कृति हिन्दी फ़िल्म के हीरो की उस बहिन के समान है जिसकी अस्मत लूटने को फिरंगी लुटेरे, भ्रष्ट नेता और दुष्ट गुंडे सदा कोशिश करते रहते हैं और बचाने वाले हैं समाज के तमाम ठेकेदार जो भारतीय संस्कृति को "बचाने" का कोई मौका नही छोड़ते | एक पुरूष दूसरे पुरूष से प्यार करे ये हमें गवारा नही क्यूंकि ये natural नही है | हाँ बड़े बड़े बाँध बनाना, सैकडों मंजिलों की इमारतें बनाना ये सब natural है | अजी साहब जब हम एक पुरूष और स्त्री के प्यार को ही नही झेल सकते तो पुरूष-पुरूष (या नारी नारी) का प्यार क्या चीज़ है

मैं सुश्री halliwell से आग्रह करता हूँ की अपने प्यारे टामी (या जो भी उन कुक्कुर श्रेष्ठ का नाम हो) को बाबा बामदेव के पास ले जाए | बाबा बामदेव जब अपनी योग विद्या से बड़े बड़ों को straight रस्ते पे ला सकते हैं तो क्या कुत्तों का योग से भला नही हो सकता? (सुश्री पैरिस हिल्टन यदि आप सुन रही हैं तो कुत्तों के कपड़े के बाद कुक्कुर योग धाँसू आईडिया है)| after all man ij aalso e sosal animal

कायावती को पत्र

प्रीय जगत बहन सुस्री कायावती,

आपकी माया और काया दोनों महान है | रक्षाबंधन का दिन आया और चला भी गया और आपके अनेक भैय्यों में किसी ने आपकी सुध भी न ली | यों तो इस पर्व पे बहने अपने भाइयों की सलामती की दुआएं मांगती हैं पर आपके सब भैय्ये इस दिन आपसे सलामती की दुआएं मांगते हैं | पूरा देश राखी के स्वयंवर में इतना मशगूल हुआ की आपके बारे में किसी ने न सोचा, आख़िर आपके लाल हाथों को पीला करना आपके भैय्यों का ही फ़र्ज़ बनता है| जगत कल्याण और शिलान्यास से आपको समय नही मिलता और इस बेदर्द दुनिया और जालिम समाज ने आपके 'मुलायम' दिल को कठोर बना दिया है जो आप अपने बारे में सोचना भूल गई| राखी के स्वयंवर के बाद भारतवर्ष को एक और सच का सामना करना चाहिए, कौन होगा वो बांका 'सुवर' जो हाथी पर सवार होकर आयेगा और बहन कायावती के चरण पकड़ के हाथ थाम लेगा? मैं माननीय टीवी चैनल वालों से आग्रह करता हूँ की एक और वास्तविकता शो बनाया जाए - "कौन बनेगा कायावती का पती"

आपका
क्वार्क

सोफिया का स्वयंवर

तो बात ये है की हमारे पड़ोस में एक आंटी जी हैं जिन्होंने guinea pig और खरगोश पाल रखे हैं जो बाग़ में खूब अठ्खेलियां करते हैं | खरगोश थोड़ा नई है तो guinea pig उसका तिरस्कार करके भगा देते हैं, तो अब उस अकेली बेचारी मायूस खरगोश के लिए एक जीवन साथी ढूँढा जा रहा है, जीवनसाथी डाट काम पे क्या इंसान छोड़ा और जानवरों का भी मेल होता है? होता हैं तो वहाँ तो देखा ही जाएगा पर पाठकों से निवेदन है की उनकी नज़र में कोई सुंदर, सुशील, अच्छी कद काठी वाला झबरीला बांका नर खरगोश हो तो एक ठो फोटू (और bio data) सहित हमे contact करें|

आपके लिए सोफिया की फोटू हाजिर है



अंकल जी की कितनी सेवा करती हैं ये तो पता नही पर खरगोश के दिल की धड़कनें तो आंटी को दूर दूर तक सुनाई दे जाती है, उसकी वो सूनी विरह की वेदना से लिप्त आँखें बर्दाश्त के बाहर है| जब उनके रख रखाव और साफ़ सफाई के बारे में पूछा गया तो पता चला मादा खरगोश तो बहुत साफ़ रहती है, guinea pig भी वैसे तो साफ़ ही रहते हैं पर कभी कभार आंटी को उनके पिछवाडे पानी से धोने पड़ते हैं! क्या विडम्बना है आदमी अपने पिछवाडे तो सादे कागज़ से पोंछता है और अति प्रीय guniea pig को मिलता है सिर्फ़ पानी! खैर राखी को तो उसका जीवन साथी मिल ही गया है देखते हैं बेचारी मादा खरगोश को उसका मन चाहा वर मिलेगा की नही

Update:
पाठकों को ये बताते हुए बड़ी खुशी हो रही है की सोफिया का जीवन साथी ढूँढ लिया गया है, गोरा चिट्टा सा एक handsome नर खरगोश जिसकी आँखें नीली नीली हैं और नाम है सिम्बा, विडम्बना का कोई अंत नही खरगोश का नाम सिम्बा! सोफिया और सिम्बा दोनों आधुनिक ख्यालों के हैं तो पाठक अभी शादी की आस न बाधें अभी उन्हें एक दूसरे के बारे में जानना है, शादी तो होती रहेगी

जर्मनी में बाल कटाई बड़ा रंग लाई

तो भई मियाँ क्वार्क पहुंचे बाल कटवाने वो भी किसी ऐरे गैर नउव्वेसे से नही एक जर्मन barber से | स्विट्जरलैंड में तो बाल छूने के भी पैसे, पैसे नही फ्रँक लगते हैं और बाल कटवाने हो तो पता नही कितने फ्रँक ले लेते हैं | इतने तो लगते ही हैं जितने में आप अपने देस में साल भर बाल कटवा सकते हैं (चम्पी सहित) | इसका कारण सिर्फ़ forex रेट नही है पर इन देशो में जहाँ manual labor की कमी है जिस भी चीज़ में परिश्रम की जरूरत पड़ती है वो यकायक महंगी हो जाती है | खैर economic ज्ञान छोडिये, हम तो सपने ले कर गए थे की इतने सारे पैसे दे रहे हैं जरूर सोने की कैंची से बाल कटते होंगे | कमबख्त हमे क्या पता था की सब काम मशीनी होगा | जिस खोपडे को देसी कैंचियों, चमाटदार चम्पी और सुगन्धित तेल की आदत थी उसे तो मशीनी कटाई गुदगुदी ही लग रही थी |

पर मरता क्या न करता भई बाल बड़ा के भालुओं में गिनती भी तो नही करा सकते, किसी extinct होती species से मेल खा गए तो जू में बंद कर लेंगे वो भी जर्मन जानवरों के साथ | तो बैठ गए कुर्सी में चालु हो गई कटाई (जी हाँ कटाई सही शब्द है किसी खेत की कटाई से कम नही थी हमारे ज़ुल्फिकाओं की कटाई) | जब style के बारे में पूछा गया तो हमने मुहँ से बोल तो दिया की "छोटे" पर मन ही मन कहा की ऐसा काटो ऐसा काटो की २ महीने तक फ़िर तुम्हारे यहाँ कटवाने न आना पड़े | मजेदार बात तो ये हुई की कलम अर्थात sideburn की कटाई में हमसे पूछा गया की क्या १ cm काफ़ी रहेगा ! "अरे क्या फट्टा लगा के काटा जाएगा ?!" यही सोच के हमने मन ही मन ठहाके लगा लिए और अपना कपार barber के हवाले कर दिया, समझो की तुम पिकास्सो या डा विन्ची जैसे कोई महान कलाकार और मैं एक खाली कैनवास भर दो जिस रूप रंग में एक महान कृति बन जाए (बस बाल छोटे काटना) | बाकी सब तो ठीक था पर अपने देसी नउव्वे की तरह न तो मुफ्त की फिल्मी मैगजीन पड़ने को मिली और न ही समाज और राजनीति की संगीन चर्चा | बस थमा आए दोनों - euro और बाल एक मीठे से दांके के साथ|

इम्तिहान की घड़ी

तो जैसा की पहले भी होता आया है आज फ़िर एक उबाऊ इम्तिहान की तैय्यारी के बीच में एक पोस्ट लिखा जाएगा| अब कोई नया विषय तो मिल नही रहा तो इम्तिहान पे ही ब्लॉग लिख देते हैं :) | हिन्दुस्तानी में जिसे इम्तिहान कहते हैं उसका अंग्रेज़ी शब्द बड़ा अच्छा है examination अर्थात आपको examine किया जा रहा है| Laboratory के किसी चूहे या मेंडक की तरह आपका test या आपके ऊपर test किया जा रहा है जिसका जानलेवा नतीजा जल्द ही पता चल जाएगा |

Exam में भी अपने देश का कोई टक्कर नही है भाई | जब इम्तिहान का मौसम आता था तो मानो यूं लगता था की पूरी कायनात का exam है, दस कमरे छोड़ के भी कोई गाना चला रहा हो तो उसे बंद करा दिया जाता था| किताबों, कॉपियों और कलम का बाज़ार गरम हो जाता था और तमाम प्रकार के टोटके लगाये जाते थे, जैसे कौन सी shirt lucky है और कौन सी कलम करामाती| जिन्होंने ने कभी मेहनत कर मटकी न फोडी वो इम्तिहान फोड़ने की बात करते थे | गणित की परीक्षा न भी हो तो भीषण गणित लगती थी, किसने assignment में कितने अंक बना लिए हैं, अव्वल दर्जा पाने के लिए कितने और की जरूरत है| मेहनत करने का कोटा तो सीमित है तो किस विषय में कितना समय ख़राब किया जाए ऐसी ही रणनीतियों और अटकलों की गर्मी हर तरफ़ देखी जा सकती थी |

पर एक महाशय मेरे कमरे के करीब ही कहीं रहते थे और रोज परीक्षा को 'फोड़ने' के बजाये परीक्षा से फूट के आते थे और फूट फूट के linkin park का एक ही गाना बजाते थे - I tried so hard and got so far. अरे मियां हमे बताने की क्या जरूरत है हम कौन सा कद्दू में तीर मार के आते थे| जिन छात्रों ने साल भर कुछ पड़ लिया होता था उनकी मांग सेंसेक्स की तरह बढ जाती थी और मुहँ छोड़ सब रातें काली करने में जुट जाते थे |

स्कूल में तो इम्तिहान का सीधा हिसाब होता था की भाई कॉपी और किताब उठाओ पहले से आखरी chapter तक अभ्यास कर लो पर college में तो अलग ही रंग देखने को मिलते थे | विषय छोड़ के लोगों प्रोफ़ेसर के चरित्र और मनोविज्ञान का विश्लेषण करते थे | कौन सा प्रोफ़ेसर किस प्रकार के सवाल देता है उसके कैसे जवाब लिखने होंगे और यदि जवाब नही आते हो तो क्या लिखना चाहिए ये सब सोचने में पड़ने का वक्त किसे मिलेगा | सबसे बढ़िया छात्र होते थे जिन्होंने जन्म तो मनुष्य योनी में लिया पर आसार काम देव के वाहन की तरह थे - अर्थात तोता| एक महानुभाव तो एक धार में ऐसा रट्टा लगाते की शब्दों सहित comma, full stop. diagram number और यहाँ तक की appendix भी घोंट के पी जाते थे |

अब इस स्विस नगरी में भी इम्तिहान हैं, laboratory ke चूहे समान परीक्षण है पर हॉस्टल वाली वो बात नही है जहाँ आपको अपने साथी चूहों को इम्तिहान फोड़ते हुए देखकर कोफ्त हो सकती थी, या बगल वाले दडबे के चूहे की हालत देख कर आप ये सोच सकते थे की चलो चूहा दौड़ में मैं इसके तो आगे हूँ | छुरी के नीचे काटना तो है ही तो साथ में कौन कौन कैसे काटने वाला है ये जान के ढाढ़स बाँध नही पाता| तो बस इस ही बात पे एक पुराना गाना याद आ गया - "तुम पुकार लो":

दिल बहल तो जाएगा इस ख्याल से
हाल मिल गया तुम्हारा अपने हाल से

Brazil vs Nineteen Eighty Four

Recommendation from a friend and the tag dystopia prompted me to watch the movie, Brazil and it was worth every frame of it. People compare it a lot with Orwell's classic novel Nineteen Eighty Four but I beg to differ. Comparison of a movie and a novel is futile as both of them are completely different media of expression but nonetheless one can look at subjects and themes they delve in. If put a gun on my head I would any day say Nineteen Eighty Four is a far greater work than Brazil. How can I not choose a novel, after reading which I hated to wear my office badge!

The comparisons rely on a totalitarian, anonymous, unwieldy, inhumane bureaucratic system which plays a major role but not definitive role in Orwell's classic. Brazil gives one aspect of the anomalous system, burden of innocence where a bug (literally a bug) in the system sucks in the protagonist in an absurd whirlwind classifying him a terrorist. The notion of guilt reminds me of Kafka's The Trial but the two works are quite different as in guilt is much more emphasized and central in Kafka's work. Nineteen Eighty Four goes beyond a government system and paints a horrific picture of a perversion that seeps in every aspect of society. From a language which is being continuously "simplified" to remove all shades and ambiguities of a natural language to schizophrenic doublethink to abolition of family and orgasm, 1984 is an all engrossing quagmire of a system.

Brazil on another hand is an absurdist satire on a consumerist self obsessed society so disconnected to reality that after witnessing a terrorist bomb attack high society ladies still discuss their beauty treatment! Life in the world is a game of rules with individuals as pawns pushed and pulled by obscure forms. This where Brazil limits itself and probably Terry Gilliam would have added more depth if he had read the novel. Protagonists in Brazil unlike 1984 are neither too villanous nor heroic, they are just doing their jobs - playing by the rules or trying to get a way around them like Sam Lowry (contrast his intent of helping a loved one with defiance of Winston Smith of 1984 and you will get the idea)

Nonetheless Brazil stands as a brilliant piece of work in itself. The overpowering buildings remind me of Orson Welles rendition of Kafka's The Trial. Welles used geometrically aligned compositions in his frames to create an overpowering surrounding but both of them use behemoths, shadows to get that eerie feeling. Background score esp. Acquarela do Brasil (Watercolor of Brazil) is haunting but only discerning audience would find the relevance and meaning of the song in the movie and hence the title. The dream sequences are a visual treat and the climax uplifts the movie. Few users of IMDB term aspects of the movie as surreal but I won't beg to differ but simply differ. If you want surreal go watch Luis Buñuel (note: start with "Diary of a Chambermaid" his most accessible movie). The movie clearly demarcates the real from the imaginary so I won't classify it as surreal but absurd yes. Do watch the movie if especially if you like dystopia.

Shatranj ke Khilari (The Chess Players)

Based on Munshi Premchand's story of the same name this masterpiece from Satyajit Ray brilliantly depicts accession of the kingdom of Awadh by East India Company. Premise of the story is comparison of the accession to a game of chess. A game of chess is a war where troops are deployed, strategies are laid out but no lives are lost and no blood is shed. And so was the accession.

The movie goes beyond just a description of historical turn of events and shows the bafflement of the British with Indian ruling class. General Outram who has to oversee the annexation is ignorant of India and is venomously contemptuous of its culture and practices. He is amazed at debauchery of ruler of Awadh who dances with "bells in his feet like a nautch girl", "also dresses up like a Hindoo god" and has 400 concubines. And yet despite being so engrossed in worldly pleasures still is a pious man who prays five times a day. Patronage of singers, artists and performers and even indulgence of the rulers in these activities used to be a source of bemusement for East India Company officers for a long time.

General Outram's distaste and disinterest of Urdu poetry is not matched by Captain Weston (who else can play a indophile British with impeccable accent better than Tom Alter) whose mere presence dilutes the polarity of two cultures. The character shows not all Britishers were disdainful of Indian ways. It is a pity that despite Alter's histrionic skills and command in Hindi as well as Urdu he got the evil foreigner roles in numerous Indian movies.

The story is quite sympathetic towards Nawab Wajid Ali Shah, so sensitively portrayed by Amjad Khan that you can't believe he is the same guy who played the hideous dacoit Gabbar Singh in Sholay. On one hand he loves worldly things, songs, dances [a beautiful thumri choreographed by Shree Birju Maharaj], flies kites and yet he is a god fearing pious man. He acknowledges his shortcomings as a ruler yet is resentful of the British for dethroning him and having to give his crown to a mere General of East India Company. Despite his flaws he is loved by the masses and British know this so a violent takeover is out of question and here lies the key of the story, this is the point which makes annexation similar to a game of chess.

The movie juxtaposes the power play of aristocrats with life of two nabobs, portrayed by Saeed Jaffrey and Sanjeev Kumar, who are avid players of chess. The noblemen get so engrossed in their game of chess that they forget responsibilities, neglect their households and even start playing chess near their lawyer's death bed in the pretense of visiting him!The two have inherited their wealth and status by inheritance due to bravery of their ancestors. Though they boast of courage yet they escape to a nearby village for a game of chess towards the end when rumors of annexation are rife.

The intricacies of the game of chess also highlight cultural differences between Indian subcontinent and the British. Any chess enthusiast from South Asian subcontinent would (should) know there are vernacular versions of the game in terms of placement and movement of chess pieces. The queen in formal, international (and British here) version is called a Vazir (minister to the ruler) in Indian version. This fact is highlighted at the end after the British armies march peacefully to take over Awadth one of the nabobs claim that the time of Vazir is gone and now its time for the queen to rule. And the ultimate difference between the two ways? Well the English way is faster, which is a take on rapid industrialization brought by British.

Other noticeable performances are from Shabana Azmi as wife of Mirza Sajjad Ali (Sanjeev Kumar) and Victor Bannerjee as the Prime Minister of Wajid Ali Shah. Victor Bannerjee doesn't has a long screen presence but he just captures the moments without even speaking, notice his expressions during the thumri and you will get something ugly is going to come.

Art direction gives really transports you to the that era and Musical score though is used so well throughout yet stands brilliantly at some places like when the two Mirza play chess in lawyer's house or at the starting.

Some of my favourite moments:

The starting scene has two nabobs playing chess and there is a black background but the beauty of this comes to the fore when Mirza Sajjad Ali's servant emerges from the darkness for hukka refill thats when role of the background comes into play, depicting how there is nothing other than chess in their universe. The same technique is used for Wajid Ali Shah's introduction too.

The use of animation and Amitabh Bachchan's narration in his rich baritone sets the mood and places the story in right context which shows narrative capabilities of Satyajit Ray.

Such is the madness of the chess players that when Sajjad Ali's wife steals the chess pieces they use vegetables in place of the pieces!

Wajid Ali Shah resigning to his fate by reciting 'Jab chhod chale Lakhnou nagari...'

Here are some of Wajid Ali Shah's words:

सदमा ना पहुंचे कोई मेरे जिस्म-ऐ-ज़ार पर
अहिस्ता फूल डालना मेरी मजार पर

हर चंद ख़ाक में था मगर ता फलक गया
धोखा है आसमान का मेरे गुबार पर

Wound not my bleeding body,
Throw flowers gently on my grave,
Though mingled with the earth,
I rose up to the skies,
People mistook my rising dust for the heavens

Genius and Intuition

Following is an article I had written for Petals, a portal for self expression at my first job

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Intuition though quite an inexplicable phenomenon yet attracts attention from scientists, mystics and laymen alike. I will take intuitions in the context of geniuses with specific reference to Ramanujam as portrayed in a biography aptly named "The Man who knew Infinity".

The book attempts to take a holistic view of Ramanujam's life, his early years, dominant yet caring mother, his leaning, place in which he lived, the soil on which he walked on. It attempts to describe an oriental mystic and genius meeting the renowned eccentric mathematician Thomas Hardy. This is a recurring theme and comes up in subtle ways, clearly chalking out a line between east and west.

Second aspect of the book is the chasm in which the book is written. This chasm is the view of phenomenon of intuition as seen by the Orient and the Occident. The divide overshadows any other perspective of events described in the book.

Where did Ramanujam's magical intuition come from? Was his work a fluke (though a string of flukes, if this is true)? Was it because of his religious beliefs as he used to claim? We are not answering these questions, for the questions and asking of these questions is what matters to us here.

In his prolific book "The Argumentative Indian" written by Nobel laureate Prof. Amartya Sen also discusses this aspect in a different manner and slightly different context. Prof. Sen takes example of Indian mathematician namely Aryabhatta and Varahmihira. Their work and source of inspirations in some or the other ways were always likened with their religious beliefs. The point is not whether their religion beliefs made an impact or not. The point which he puts forth is why this question is asked only in cases of oriental thinkers.

In Ramanujam's case, the interest in mystic gets accentuated because he himself told appearances of goddess Namagiri, who informs him all the solutions which became humongous feats in mathematical intellect. He had a deep interest in astrology – not as an amateur, nor a practitioner, but as a serious pursuit which is evident in the prediction of his early death made by himself.

Ramanujam was a strange dichotomous character for the west. A religious, mystic genius in mathematics who worked on intuition rather than rationale, his works were flights of fancy. Flashes of intuitions, boisterous mathematical claims without a proof at hand were commonplace with him. Though many of his claims finally proved to be wrong, the ones that were right, proved to be prolific.

His life also gave a picture of colonized India, where a genius of his stature had no formal education to make him eligible for research work. His brilliance was scoffed off in his own land and would be recognized truly, albeit with apprehension in west.

मानोगे नहीं ...

भौतिकी (physics) एक ऐसा विषय है जो हमे हमेशा से भाता रहा है | क्या आपने शाखा से गिरे सेब से विज्ञानं की नयी शाखा निकलते देखी है?! भौतिकी के दाहिने हाथ के खेल का किस्सा तो हम सुना चुके हैं, और हिंदी भाषा वाला भी | यह किस्सा कुछ और है | बात है CBSE board के इम्तिहान की जिसका कुरुक्षेत्र शहर से थोडा दूर था तो हम सब छात्र एक ही बस में जाते और आते थे | कुछ हम थे जो समीकरणों (equations) और सूत्रों (formulas) में सर फुडाते रह गए और कुछ वो थे जिन्होंने भौतिकी को भगवान् से मिला डाला ! नहीं नहीं हम श्रीमान भूरे (dan brown) के सहपाठी नहीं रहे | da vinci छोडिये ये तो angel, demon के बाप तक पहुँच गए |

इन महानुभाव का एक जुमला हुआ करता था "भाई .... तुम मानोगे नहीं ....." (अरे बंधू जब तुम्हे पता है की हम नहीं मानने वाले हैं तो बता काहे रहे हो! खैर ये बात तो किसी और मुद्दे की है...) | तो भौतिकी की परीक्षा ख़तम हुई और छात्रों का काफिला सवालों और उनके जवाबों में उलझा, मध्हम कदमों से आगे बढ ही रहा था की किसी ने उन महानुभाव से पूछ ही लिया "यार कैसी हुई तुम्हारी परीक्षा" बस फिर क्या था उन्होंने वह महान शब्द कह डाले "की आज तो यदि ब्रम्हा जी भी नीचे उतर के बोल दे की बेटा तुम पास हो गए हो तो में कहूँगा..... आप झूठ बोल रहे हैं"!

(अपने ही बनाए माटी के पुतले के इतने अटूट विश्वास को परमपिता ब्रम्हा भी कैसे झुठला सकते थे तो ....)

हिंदी कक्षा के व्यंगात्मक वाक़ये

तो मुद्दा ये है की हमारी पाठशाला में शिक्षकों को रचनात्मकता और नवाचार भाता न था | बात है हिंदी परीक्षा की जिसमे प्रश्न आते थे वही घिसे पिटे स्त्रीलिंग से पुल्लिंग और विपरीत | तो एक महानुभाव को जब भगवान का लिंग बदलना था (तिरस्कारी और असंभव काम है जानता हूँ) तो महाशय का जवाब रहा मादा भगवान | शिक्षिका ने उस छात्र को महात्मा के खिताब से तो नवाजा पर अंक न दिए |

दूसरा वाक़या भी हिंदी कक्षा का ही है, दूसरे किस्म के घिसे पिटे सवाल आते थे दिए गए एक शब्द पे वाक्य बनाने के | अब कई ऐसे क्लिष्ट शब्द आते थे की बच्चों के हाथों से तोते उड़ जाते | मसलन एक शब्द आया विहंगम | अब विहंगम किस चिडिया का नाम है इसकी तो आधे से ज्यादा लोगों को हवा भी न थी | फिर क्या लोगों का रचनात्मकता दिमाग चल गया | एक राम बाण वाक्य निकाला गया जो सब दुःख दूर कर दे | भाई किसी भी संज्ञा का लिंग बदलने के लिए वह संज्ञा नर है की मादा इतना तो पता ही होना चाहिए पर ऐसी कोई भी बाधा इस राम बाण वाक्य में न थी | और वह महान वाक्य था "विहंगम एक अच्छा शब्द है" | कुछ छात्र तो यहाँ तक न रुके उन्होंने सवाल को ही जवाब बना डाला और स्याह अक्षरों में लिखा "शिक्षिका ने विहंगम पे वाक्य लिखने को कहा" | इस वाक्य ने तो शिक्षिका को अवाक कर दिया | अब इस बात को झुठलाया तो नहीं जा सकता की शिक्षिका ने वाक्य लिखने को कहा है, ये तो अटूट सत्य है और इस वाक्य में आवश्यक शब्द भी है तो वह शिष्य को पुरस्कार में भारत की खोज शून्य तो भेंट दे नहीं सकी हाँ कक्षा में निवेदन जरूर किया की ऐसे वाक्य लिखिए जिनसे शब्द का अर्थ उभर के आये और मन मसोस कर आधे अंक दिए|

Socially Relevant Songs

Now that Indian National Congress has endorsed the song Jai Ho, we are truly recognizing movie songs as potent devices for engaging public. Hindi movie songs offer such a vast expanse than mere entertainment. The lyrics some times transgress mere personal feeling of love between two individuals and appeal to higher goals. Here are some suggestions of Hindi cinema songs which can be endorsed (@legal eagles, can I get a patent or royalty if some one actually starts using them?)

The first one is a no bummer. Indian Aviation Industry can definitely borrow from Subhash Ghai's latest megalomania: "Aaja main hawaon main utha ke le chaloon tu hi to meri dost hai". Though they have other options like "Aaj main oopar, aasmaan neeche" but Ghai's classic wins hands down.

With all due respect if Shree Bachchan ji's social campaigns (not the UP me jurmkam hai types) are not drawing in the crowds then use this Sunny Paji song for eye donation: "Tere chehre pe apni nazar chhod jaunga"


Whats the link between Jumping Jack Jeetu and a one lakh car. No prizes for this. Nano main sapna, Sapna main Sajna, Sajna pe dil aa gaya.
What better way to woo your paramour than buy her/him a Nano! The surreal and dreamy song sequence is an apt sample for Freudian analysis of an entire cinematic decade. I implore readers to watch the entire clip to see Jeetu and Sree getting high on pot.

Our dear, healthy Health Minister, Ramadoss can definitely use Shahid Baba and Balan aunty's healthy song recommending papaya for people with blood pressure issues. High BP, khaye papita (or so it sounded to me) and he is not stoned enough Shahid baba is going to take you higher on a papaya diet!

A-New Mallik meets Rapidex English Speaking course. With rising economy our musical genius should rise to the occasion and educate the masses in the truly global, queen's language. Append each Hindi line with its translation and Voila!

dekho barish ho rahi hai -> its raining, its raining, its raining
mera dil ro raha hai -> my heart is paining, its painting, its paining



Yours truly Govinda, the hero of your average cinema going Richshaw-walla educates people about traffic manners: Maine paidal se ja raha thha, une cycle se aa rahi thee. Chi chi and Lolo chose various modes of transportation to address a vast range of people - pedestrian, cycle, moto, auto hell even an airplane The brilliant piece of infotainment can replace the illustrated books used as teaching material for kids to learn various modes of transport.




It has been rumored that a television channel which provides content related to popular science is in talks with Farhan Akhtar for the environmentally conscious song listing various kinds of snakes and enumerate their physiological characteristics: Zehreeley Zehreeley, kale, peele, neele. After all daddy dear made the classic Madhuri Dixit numeracy song!

The Kurious Kase of Missing Kalashnikov

Well examinations can do strange things to stranger people. Gates for the blitzkrieg were about to be opened and people were in a mugging frenzy. Amidst the chaos some innovative people find newer ways to screw other people's head. Our protagonist, lets call him S was a firm believer in the adage - "When rape is inevitable lay down and enjoy". Not only did he believe in it but wanted others to experience the statutory offense too.

With the subterfuge of revision S saw a worthy pursuit, egrossed in text book, and posed a seemingly innocent question. "Have you seen the Kalashnikov Theorem?". The choice of the fake name of theorem itself tells volumes about S. The hunt, lets name him G gave a bewildered expression which changed to that of a deer caught in front of headlight when S gave him a random page number and moved on casually. G could not believe after all the lecture notes, hours of going through every nook and crany of book he did not even know THE kalashnikov theorem. He metaphorically kicked himself in the nuts but when he could not locate Kalashnikov theorem or even the scent of it, G caught hold of S and started asking him where the heck is Kalashnikov theorem in the book. At least S can tell him what was the theorem about.

S gave a guffaw and told him it was a lie, he was just messing with G but he was up for a twist in the tale. G went furious, taking that to be some game plan on S's part to avoid G getting that weird theorem which can turn the table in G's favor. If only he could know the Kalashnikov. S was still laughing but G entered in a state of denial like a Hindi Cinema character actor who is still in disbelief that his/her object of love is dead. "Ye nahi ho sakta, keh do ki ye ek jhooth hai, ek bhadda mazaak." (Expletives and blasphemies edited out, this is a family oriented blog). G was literally roughing up S like Hindi Film police inspector to divulge the whereabouts of Kalashnikov. "Tera to baap bhi batayega ki Kalashnikov kahaan chhupa rakha hai". Much to his dismay G's dismay he could not extract the confession in time and he went to exam one theorem less but still wondering when exactly was S messing with him.

As for the moral of the story, if you get one do put it up in the comments. We had a nice laugh after this. If you ask him, G would not even remember the incident. As for the exam, I do not remember anything about it except there was no question related Kalashnikov theorem.

Jai Ho!

Time: Diwali Night, 2008
Location: A student house in Zurich
Occassion: Diwali Pooja

So a bunch of desis, mostly techies studying in Zurich (sounds paradoxical right) gathered for a pooja. Now engineers with there last minute resourcefulness had not arranged for an idol of deities to perform rituals. Quick came the fix, a laptop was fetched, Google image search gave an appropriate pic to worship and even the Aarti was found on youtube. The pious students had their mind set on Goddess of wealth (with new found fervor from recent recession) and the Lord of Obstacles (much needed because of the impending, imminent exams). Eyes closed and palms folded in devotion (and job opportunity at the back of mind) but who remembers the lyrics (its the feelings that counts ain't they and a little bit of melody) were trying to sync up with one other and the youtube Aarti.

The deviant mind chooses worst of the moments to deviate. A realization dawned on me, what if the building's caretaker who knows nothing about Indian culture at all suddenly pops in the hall curios because of chanting sound. He would surely connect the dots and realize, "Now that's why these Indian buggers are so good in Information Technology, they worship laptops!"

Ye kya ho raha hai

I was caught in a "Ye kya ho raha hai beta duryodhan" moment. Yes the Hindi mythological cinematic equivalent of WTF (you have to watche Jane bhi do yaro umpteenth time to understand that). Off and on I used to check sitemeter statistics of my blog and get amused by weird search keywords people use and how one or the other of my blog posts come up as search result for unrelated keywords. No stellar or spectacular feat but amusing yes. Some posts on Hindi cinema lyrics, Rakhi Savant (interestingly savant means a scholar).

What compelled me to write this post was a yahoo search from a Pakistani ISP and the keywords were peshab ki pic (Pictures of Urine). My post which comes as the 4th (and 5th also!) result is actually a rant about Orkut and only last two of the three keywords match with the post content and comments.

Even if I consider imperfections of search engine algorithms and factor in that some people get blog hits out of retro sleaze, what I can not fathom is what compelled the person to search for photographs of urine on internet!

* Does it (the searcher) wants to check if its color of pee is normal?
* Or it has never urinated in its life and wants to know how it looks
* Some strange fetish (I do not want to venture in this line of thought)

So here I end my post and I plea yahoo people to redirect such freaks somewhere else

Pro Crass tination

Heavy snow beating down the city, awake at 0200 hrs, inevitable barrage of examinations (that word makes me imagine being under a microscope) of the author and he still finds reasons to procrastinate studies time and again. Few things you realize during exams:

* The den needs cleaning
* Garbage needs to be thrown out
* You need a nice pen even before you flip the first page so off you go to buy a nice one
* Can not work without a coffee

And now the blog.

Living near and moving around a wide variety of international students I have came across many non-Indian people with a healthy curiosity in India (rare are the chronic cases of Indophilia). Exchange of cultural exchanges ensues after acquiring acquaintance over different dinner or visit to a friend's place. Some cliched and stereotypical topics always come up:

* Hindi Cinema (referred to the derogatory name: Bollywood)
- The heroine has to change 17 dresses in a song sequence
- Couple get teleported to and from Switzerland instantaneously
- Couple break into song n dance at the drop of the hat

Now to this I do not have any answer, this is an existential question. How the hell can a fish tell a well frog why is sea water salty hence I can not explain why Amitabh Bachchan used to kill the villain after eating all his bullets.

* Indian Food
- spicy
- the better ones might know : chicken tikka masala, naan, biryani
- weird non vegetarians : pork, beef, fish, eggs (theoretically 2 raised to the power of 4 = 16 combinations)

* Kamasutra
- No they do not teach Kamasutra at school there would be a riot if it were to happen
- No every Indian is not an expert in it
- AFAIK it is not a manual to achieve the big O (frankly told to a couple who gave a knowing smile to each other)

* Gods
- Yea there is a plethora of Gods in India
- They dance, play, romance, fight, take human form and what not
- I know it is complex, probably you can do a master thesis on the list, for now take Brahma, Vishnu, Mahesh that will do

But what threw me off was one guy asked me about the mammilla (word changed for obvious reasons) song. Half baffled and half embarrassed I asked him to show it on youtube. I expected some sleazy rendition of a popular song or a bawdry parody but it turned out to be Sushmita Sen's Dilbar Dilbar song which got Buffalaxed to mammilla song. The poor soul all the while thought text presented in the video to be English translation of actual lyrics. I had a hard time conveying him the actual meaning amidst uncontrollable laughter. India and Indians are indeed queer, quirky but we are yet to reach that state of what should I call, I am out of words, perversion, insanity, masochism?

After having a hearty laugh I recollected the real great time I had with my friend Hari who introduced me to the funniest of all Indian Buffalaxed songs: Benny Lava quite a while ago.